Mrs Slocombe quotes from Are You Being Served?

Mrs Slocombe

I notice she didn't cry like that when she thought it was me.

Mr Lucas

Funny that...

Mrs Slocombe

Is there no demand for mechanical pussies?

Captain Peacock

I'm told people prefer the real thing.

Mrs Slocombe

Oh, how ridiculous! What is there to learn about toys? All you do is bounce them, cuddle them or turn them on!

Mr Lucas

Just like girls, really!

Captain Peacock

Lallies and Willets [Polari for Legs and Breasts] – that's a Bristol firm, isn't it?

Mrs Slocombe

Never mind where they hang out, what's in it for us?

Mr Rumbold

Oh, this chap's quite a large shareholder. [He's a] professional dancer.

Mrs Slocombe

Oh, Mr. Humphries does a bit of dancing. Don't you, Mr. Humphries?

Mr Humphries

Oh yes. The word "versatile" has been applied to me before. [Begins to dance]

Mr Rumbold

I must stop you; he's only got one leg. And he is from Nigeria. Could you play a one-legged, Nigerian tap-dancer?

Mr Humphries

Not with any degree of sincerity, no.

Mr Lucas

It slipped right down, Mr Harman!

Mr Harman

Well it can't have gone that far, tell her to speak up a bit, and try and get Captain Peacock on the same mic...

Miss Brahms

What if he shouted up her skirt?

Mrs Slocombe

[Angrily] No one is shouting up my skirt, saying they recognize the face!

Young Mr Grace

[Wearing glasses] I can't find me spectacles, you read it.

Mr Harman

Uh, yes. Now, this is the oldest. [Points to chest of drawers]

Mr Grace

The bow front with the short legs?

Mrs Slocombe

That'll be you, Mr. Goldberg!

Shh! I want to hear!

Mr Harman

The top's in very good condition, bit of dry rot in the leg, and the knob's going to fall off! [Mr Goldberg is shocked)

Young Mr Grace

What about that pretty little piece?

Mrs Slocombe

That must be you, Miss Brahms.

Mr Lucas

Well, it certainly won't be you!

Mr Harman

Outwardly, in very good condition. Unfortunately it's got a screw loose! And the knockers aren't genuine...

Miss Brahms

[Outraged] Blummin' cheek!!

Mr Harman

That brings me to this one, here.

Mr Grace

Oh, the big chest?

Mrs Slocombe

[Appears uncomfortable]

Mr Harman

Once used by a lot of soldiers, there was a lot of odd things found in the drawers, which once removed, you could plainly see the ravages of time. Oh, and there's rising damp in the bottom. Now, we come to the pouf.

Mr Humphries

[Looks embarrassed]

Mr Harman

Outwardly in very good condition. A bit older than it looks, a bit saggy in the middle, and probably worth hanging onto if you're prepared to have it stuffed!

Mr Humphries

[Faints, collapses into Peacock's arms]

Mr Humphries

Oh you're nice aren't you!?

Mrs Slocombe

Mr Humphries, leave my pussy alone!

Mr Humphries

Before you say anything, I've got to use this because me mother's got me raincoat to queue up for her disability pension. I borrowed it off a very nice girl punk rocker that lives next door. It was her bridal gown.

Mrs Slocombe

Don't tell me she got married in that.

Mr Humphries

Married? She lived in it for a week with the groom before they found somewhere to squat.

Mr Humphries

Why has Mr Spooner been blackballed?

Mrs Slocombe

Because the fireman wanted a clear passage.

Mr Humphries

No further questions!

Mrs Slocombe

Oh, I'm better for that. What's been happening?

Mr Humphries

Well, Mrs. Peacock loves Captain Peacock, and Captain Peacock, alias Jack the Lad loves Mrs. Peacock, although he's got a very strange way of showing it. And Mr. Rumbold, it appears, was just masquerading, and I know from long experience that only leads to trouble. Ooh, and the maintenance men who have the wherewithal to open the locked window have just come out the pub.

Mrs Slocombe

Ooh, isn't that wonderful, Captain Peacock? All's well that ends well.

Captain Peacock

Mrs. Slocombe, since the maintenance men have just got on a 47 Bus, what makes you think it's all going to end well?

Mrs Slocombe

Oh, I've dropped the pot!

Mr Spooner

I think we've attracted attention, all right.

Mr Humphries

Somehow, I don't think a red policeman is not going to be on our side.

Mrs Slocombe

How are you today, Mr. Humphries?

Mr Humphries

Bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, Mrs. Slocombe.

Mrs Slocombe

*gasps* You've brought on my dream! Last night I dreamed that you were Squirrel Nutkin and I was a little lady squirrel. And you built your house half way up an oak tree.

Mr Humphries

Was it thatched in dandelion leaves?

Mrs Slocombe

*gasps again* How'd you guess?

Mr Humphries

I never use anything else!

Mrs Slocombe

Well, anyway, I climbed up your tree and I knocked on your little door, only you pretended you weren't in, so I had to kick it down. And there you were, hiding behind your acorns. What do you suppose that means?

Mr Humphries

It means that I'll have to build it a good size higher next year.

I'm going to take your name!

Mrs Slocombe

I'm sorry, madam, we're not allowed to give names.

Well, in that case, I... I shall remember your face!

Mr Spooner

Now I know why the miners said "One out, the lot out".

Captain Peacock

I say, that hasn't cooled me down at all.

Mrs Slocombe

Put it away, Miss Brahms.