Mrs Slocombe quotes from Are You Being Served?

Mrs Slocombe

Yes well, I met my husband in a German air raid. His face was lit from an incoming incendiary. He threw me flat on me face and said: "Look out, here comes a big one!".

Mr Lucas

They didn't have much time for chatting in those days.

Mr Mash

There we are Miss Brahms.

Miss Brahms

Oh, no thank you, I don't wear them. I don't like the rough material on my skin.

Mrs Slocombe

You will wear pyjamas tonight, Miss Brahms! Suppose there was a fire and you had no clothes on?

Miss Brahms

Oooh, I'd be first to get rescued!

Good evening, I am Madame Trixie, and this is the Trixie trio.

Mr Rumbold

Welcome to Grace Brothers.

Ooh, champagne!

Mr Mash

Beer for the band's behind the piano. (Walks away)

Where do you want the orchestra?

Mr Rumbold

Uh, well over here, ladies, I think. By the, er, pianoforte.

Mrs Slocombe

[Drunk] Well, Captain Peacock, it looks as though we're going to be able to trip the tight lanfastic...

Captain Peacock

I beg your pardon?!

Mr Humphries

She wants you to rip her tight elastic.

Captain Peacock

Perhaps you'd better sit down, Mrs. Slocombe, we're starting in less than an hour.

Captain Peacock

These were taken on my holiday last year.

Mrs Slocombe

Oh, doesn't it look hot?

Captain Peacock

Oh you're right, yes. Yes, that's the worst of the desert.

Miss Brahms

Doesn't Mrs. Peacock look well?

Captain Peacock

Yes, she does, yes. We went back to Bessamachu, where we scored our first big victory.

Mrs Slocombe

Oh, that was where you had your honeymoon.

Captain Peacock

No. No, that was where... That was where we pushed Rommel back. Yes, I was dug in at this very spot for about seven whole days. It's a motel now, you know. Oh it was absolute hell, you know. The heat, the sun, flies, the sandstorms, the monotonous food.

Mrs Slocombe

Oh what you poor boys must have suffered.

Captain Peacock

No, that was last year at the motel.

Mr Rumbold

Hope I'm not interrupting anything, Captain Peacock.

Miss Brahms

No, he's just showing us his holiday pictures.

Mr Rumbold

Well, perhaps we could look at those after the store closes. Now, I'd like a word with everybody if you could get them to gather round.

Captain Peacock

Yes, of course, sir.

Mrs Slocombe

What is it, Mr. Mash?

Mr Mash

Did you put in an order for twenty-seven galvanised buckets?

Mrs Slocombe

And what would I be doing in Ladies' department with twenty-seven galvanised buckets? This is the Ladies' department, not a farmyard!

Mr Mash

We could be milking a jersey.

Miss Brahms

You ready?

Mrs Slocombe

No, no I can nip it in a bit more yet. [Breathes in] Now! [Brahms checks tape measure] What is it?

Miss Brahms

77

Mrs Slocombe

Oh, don't it sound a lot in metric?

Miss Brahms

Yes, well you've put on four whatever-they-ares.

Mrs Slocombe

Centipedes, Miss Brahms.

Mrs Slocombe

There's a naked man in there, in his underpants!

Mr Humphries

That's nothing Mrs. Slocombe, you wait till the honeymoon!

Mrs Slocombe

Some of us have long memories, you know – I haven't forgotten being flung flat on me back on Clapham Common by a landmine. And the German Air Force was responsible!

Mr Lucas

All the other times she was flat on her back, the American Air Force was responsible.

Mrs Slocombe

You know, there's only two things I like about Germany: Curt Jurgens and Gorgonzola."

Miss Brahms

Gorgonzola isn't German!

Mrs Slocombe

Oh. Then there's only one thing I like... No! I tell a lie. I like Irving Berlin!

Mrs Slocombe

I'm not selling German Sex Knickers.

Captain Peacock

Sechs is just the German word for six.

Miss Brahms

What do they use for sex?

Mr Mash

Same as they use everywhere else.

Mr Mash

Here you are Mrs. Slocombe, twelve bras.

Mrs Slocombe

I wonder what the German is for them... Bustenhalter? [Brahms pulls out a very large bra] Blimey, whatever size is that?

Miss Brahms

It says here clean.

Captain Peacock

Klein Miss Brahms, it means small.

Mrs Slocombe

They're well built, those German girls.

Mrs Slocombe

I do not respond to waves."

Miss Brahms

What about that man you met on your holiday?

Mrs Slocombe

Ah, that was different; he was waving from his yacht!

Mrs Slocombe

Captain Peacock, would you use your senior position to tell Mr. Lucas to shut his cake hole?!

Captain Peacock

Mr. Lucas, you are not indispensable. There are many young men who would bend over backwards to get into Grace Brothers.

Mr Humphries

That's one of the qualifications.

Mr Lucas

You nearly got me the sack then.

Mrs Slocombe

You should have been put in one at birth.

Mr Rumbold

These aspirins don't seem to be doing any good at all.

Mr Humphries

Perhaps you need an icepack?

Mrs Slocombe

How about having a woman?

Mr Lucas

No, I think he's better to stick to the aspirins.