Mrs Slocombe quotes from Are You Being Served?

Mrs Slocombe

It's something I do at home.

Mr Humphries

Well, that narrows things down a bit, doesn't it?

Mrs Slocombe

Mr. Spooner, if you're cheeky to me during working hours, you can expect a reprimand. However, any of your lip before we open and you'll get my umbrella up your hooter.

Captain Peacock

As that was the opening bell, a reprimand is all we can allow.

Mr. Rumbold, I must speak to you. There's a man in a blue overcoat looking through the window in your office.

Mr Rumbold

Well what's so strange about that?

He's outside and we're on the fourth floor.

Mr Rumbold

Good heavens!

Mr Spooner

Cor, who was that?

Captain Peacock

His new secretary.

Miss Brahms

Huh, bet they're paying her out for the electricity bill.

Captain Peacock

[Realising who Miss Belfridge is talking about] Blue overcoat?

Mrs Slocombe

Mr. Humphries!

Miss Brahms

Ooh, he's never climbed that drainpipe.

Mr Spooner

[Mock surprise] Ooh, not in those trousers.

Mr Humphries

About time, too. It's very draughty out here. Up a bit, George.

Mr Humphries

This is as far as I go. Thanks for the lift. Oh...

Mr Rumbold

This is most irregular.

Mr Humphries

I was just only using my initiative. I knew that the outside of the building was being painted, and after a little light banter with the workmen every morning, I took the advantage of their kind offer of a lift.

Mrs Slocombe

There's white paint on the back of your coat.

Mr Humphries

That must have been where I lost my nerve and he tried to steady me. D'you know I've no head for heights. And he was well over six foot tall.

Miss Brahms

Here, Captain Peacock, have you asked Rumbold yet about selling the perfume?

Captain Peacock

No. He's busy showing Miss Belfridge the ropes.

I bet she can't type with more than one finger.

Captain Peacock

That's exactly what my wife said when I showed her the photo.

Miss Brahms

What photo?

Captain Peacock

Oh er... in the senior staff magazine. Here. "Menswear News. Miss B. Belfridge wins top position as C. Rumbold's temporary secretary" Look.

Miss Brahms

She's in a bathing costume!

Mrs Slocombe

Just.

Captain Peacock

Well, it does liven up an otherwise abysmally dull publication.

Miss Brahms

Huh. Bet old jug ears didn't dare show that to his missus.

Captain Peacock

Not if he has any sense. Mine was even worried she was on the same floor as me.

Mrs Slocombe

Well, you do have quite a reputation, Stephen.

Captain Peacock

[Chuckles]

Mrs Slocombe

Well you used to.

Mrs Slocombe

Mr Harman, as Captain Peacock isn't here, I feel it's up to me to tell you that I don't want you on the floor at this time of the morning.

Mr Harman

My wife will be pleased to hear that. She's a very jealous woman.

Mrs Slocombe

Would you like my pump up your proboscis?

Mr Harman

Are you trying to put the wind up me?