Does no one seriously know what today is?
Tuesday?
The rapture?
S3 E7Drift Problem
Press that red button.
Is it going to kill everyone?
Press that blue button.
[Archer presses the button, activating a recording]
MModel
Welcome, Mr. Archer...
It does know my name!
MModel
...to the Dodge Challenger Special Agent Edition, brought to you by Dodge.
Thanks, Dodge!
MModel
[all features shown] Featuring a 440 V8 engine, six-speed manual transmission, and a top speed of 185. Heavy-duty suspension, runflat tires, bulletproof body panels and windows, twin 30-cal machine guns mounted in the front, antipursuit countermeasures in the rear.
It makes the Mach-5 look like a vagina.
MModel
The interior boasts mil-spec GPS, satellite communications, hi-fi stereo, rich Corinthian leather.
Corinth is famous for its leather!
MModel
And of course...
[She opens glove compartment revealing a bar with two bottles of liquor, two glasses, and ice]
LLawyer
[fast, over Archer's hysterical laughter] The in-dash bar is to be stocked with non-alcoholic beverages only. Dodge cannot stress this enough. Never ever ever drink and drive.
[Staring at his back-lit, in-car minibar] It's like looking into the face of God.
Well go on, give your mom a hug.
Oh, I don't think that's...
[Interrupting] Possible.
What?
Ugh, he's got an erection.
It's this Corinthian leather!
How much did Dodge kick in?
Not as much as you'd think.
Black, powerful, sexy. Like if Ron O'Neal was a car.
Who taught you to drive?
This guy I know called my dead father.
Oh... I...
Yeah, I bet you feel like a dick.
That was for Pearl Harbor!
S3 E8Lo Scandalo
Well, unless it was the creepy-old-people-bondage-sex police, why would anyone break in here and shoot him?! No answer? Okay, let's ask him. [Pulls off mask]
Holy shit!
Because he's Savio Mascalzone.
Uh...
Oh, for - The prime minister of Italy!
The what?! Wait, doesn't Italy use a king?
No, they don't "use a king!"
What year do you think this is?!
I... yeah, exactly. Good question.
I have a question, mother. Why does this chair have no seat...and WHAT...IS IN HIS ASS?!
Mother! What is in his ass?!
Oh, please. Don't act like you've never seen a "marital aid" before.
Not in a dead prime minister's ass!
And you can stop repeating that! We've established where it is!
[Discussing Operation Gladio]
It was a NATO stay-behind set up to counter a possible Soviet invasion of Western Europe.
But then it sort of turned into this whole weird crypto-fascist CIA shitshow, starring Allen Dulles and a bunch of former Nazis.
Thanks, Holly Hindsight.
Lawyer up. Call the cops.
What?
Oh, and hit the throttle on the bourbon because I'm gonna have to, uh, bust you in the face a couple times.
What are you talking about?
Self-defense, mother! It's your only shot! We'll have to uncuff him and "de-dildo" him, obviously...Smash up the furniture like he was chasing you all rapey. Fortunately, he's Italian so that shouldn't be too hard to sell.
I bet I'll never be able to have sex again without thinking about this! I bet I won't even be able to eat spaghetti and meatballs. Oh god!
What?
I could eat. Not necessarily spaghetti and meatballs, but, you know, not necessarily not spaghetti and meatballs. I mean I really like spaghetti and meatballs. Man, if I don't get some spaghetti and meatballs, I may literally die.
So, we've got a dead Italian prime minister in the living room which--
Sucks, because I bet he knew how to make sauce.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Archer pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.