TV show quotes
Have you ever hunted, Violet?
Of course not.
Well, if you had, you'd be familiar with a particular experience. There's a particular moment, at the end of a long hunt, when you have the animal cornered. And the animal looks into your eyes, deep into them, to see if there's any mercy in there. And when it sees that there is not, it gives up. It gives its life to you. Well, I have you cornered, Violet, and I have no mercy.
Sometimes life feels like some dismal story, presented as entertainment by some cruel and invincible author.
Besides getting several paper cuts on the same day or receiving the news that your worst enemy was rewarded free ice cream, one of the most unpleasant experiences in life is a job interview. From the moment you introduce yourself, you are participating in a ritual you are likely to find humiliating and sinister. You may be asked to perform some meaningless task which you are in no position to refuse. You are likely to be watched carefully while you perform this task, and you likely have to pretend to be far more enthusiastic than you actually are. And you are likely to be evaluated, a word which here means tested over and over for no reason other than your own embarrassment. The worst thing about a job interview is that it is likely to fill you with despair, whether you are dismissed immediately and find yourself wandering unemployment across a desolate landscape, weeping and moaning or whether you are hired and find yourself wandering across that same desolate landscape, weeping and moaning in exchange for a salary.
Grief, a type of sadness that most often occurs when you have lost someone you love, is a sneaky thing, because it can disappear for a long time, and then pop back up when you least expect it.
I'm more than that. I'm a volunteer.
(sneering) Well, then... thank you for volunteering.
This advice was given to me by one of the bravest women I've ever known- a woman, who, at that very moment, was running for her life toward the edge of a cliff. Fortunately, like all women, my sister was an expert at doing the impossible.
Come, now. There's nowhere to run.
Except off a cliff.
Which we plan to throw you off anyway.
But perhaps this doesn't have to end in violence.
Give us the Sugar Bowl, and you can go.
Cross our hearts.
And hope to die. What do you say, Snicket?
I'd rather jump off a cliff.
Should we follow her?
We'll send the eagles; they're probably starving.
[patting her pregnant belly] Oh, you're a trooper, kiddo. I didn't have my first hang-gliding lesson 'till I was seven.
Of course, not all mentors are good. Many years ago in my own organization, there were those who preyed on impressionable minds by taking them in at a point in their life when they might be particularly lost or vulnerable.
You look lost.
[scoffs] How can I be lost? There are signs everywhere, which seems kind of dumb for a secret organization.
We meant figuratively. [They step forward]
Who are you? [stiffens] Wait... You're that man with the hair and the woman with the beard, or vice versa! I've heard about you.
And vice versa. We know what happened at the opera.
And we know how you've spent your nights since.
Wandering these tunnels.
Directionless.
Alone.
...Have you been following me?
With great interest, for some time.
Your friends in V.F.D. betrayed you, but a young man with your talents doesn't need friends.
He needs guidance.
I'll pass. I'm a tortured, brooding loner now. I've even taken up journaling. I'd rather be alone.
Why, what a pity.
There's so much we could teach you. [Olaf looks intrigued]
Bad mentors can lead you down a slippery slope, whether you encounter them years later at the top of a mountain, or you belong to their acting troupe.
They've been in that tent for a wile. I wonder what they're planning.
I hope it's a picnic.
It's never a picnic.
Not anymore.
I joined Count Olaf because I thought he could teach me things, like how to harness my natural charisma into a career in the performing arts. [sighs] But I'm beginning to question my life choices.
[nods] I know what you mean. I get the serious creeps from those serious creeps.
They definitely killed those carnival freaks.
Oh, yeah.
[simultaneously] Dead as doornails!
[to Sunny, who is in a birdcage] What do you think they're up to, baby? [they all look at her]
*indistinct garble (Trouble.)
[concerning Fernald] We're not going anywhere with him!
I'm not abandoning my brother! He's the only family I have left.
He-he's dangerous! He's wicked!
He burned down Anwhistle Aquatics! I read about it in a Volunteer Factual Dispatch. It said Fernald betrayed V.F.D.; he committed arson, and joined the wrong side of the schism!
You still don't get it. There is no wrong side of the schism.
Of course there is! One side puts out fires, and the other starts them!
... You should have seen the fire. [In a flashback, Fernald is shown weeping in a boat as he watches Anwhiste Aquatics burn] I was an apprentice at Anwhistle Aquatics when I learned what Gregor Anwhistle was cultivating in his Grotto. A fungus so powerful, it could destroy V.F.D.'s enemies once and for all. He was playing with fire. I warned him it was volatile. If the fungus got out, it could destroy everyone! But he didn't listen, so I decided... to fight fire with fire. I'll never forget the sight of it- like the sea was burning. It was the worst day of my life. But what choice did I have?!
I did a terrible thing for a noble reason, and I paid for it. [raises his hooks] I lost my hands in the fire, and I got kicked out of V.F.D. My stepdad was so furious.
He never told me why you did it. He just said there were secrets too terrible for young people to know.
[scoffs] He used to say that to me, too. He was a fool.
He is not a fool! He is a noble man.
And V.F.D. is a noble organization! They'd never cultivate something that would harm people.
Tell that to your little sister.
Hooky's defected.
Just because he doesn't have any hands?
Let him go. I don't care. We got everything we needed from him.
We needed a ride to the hotel.
Do you think we can trust Kit?
Since we got into her taxi, she's broken at least nine traffic safety laws, driven into a hedge, and recruited us to spy for a secret organization. I like her.
Me too.
(to Kit) I never want to be apart from you again, except in the restroom, at work, and when one of us is at a movie the other one doesn't want to see.
I hear this hotel has a spa, which is perfect because I'd like a face peel. Do you get to pick whose face, or you just peel it off whoever's around?
I don't think it works that way.
(about Carmelita) Remind me why we can't send her back to her parents.
We burned down their house with them inside.
Wait, what did you say?
Nothing, darling.
We just have to wait till Thursday. That's when all these unfortunate events will be over and I go back to the real love of my life. We met at a support group for people who have escaped horrible partners. He got a telegram from J.S. too, but he couldn't be here. He's busy at his lumbermill.
Well, I have someone too. She also received a telegram, but couldn't make it either. She's in prison for bank robbery.
I may forget a name, but I never remember a face.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's A Series of Unfortunate Events pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
