Count Olaf quotes from A Series of Unfortunate Events

Olaf

You know, some people say that the hardest job in the world is raising a child. But it is nothing compared to conceiving, writing, directing, producing, and performing in a theatrical presentation for the purposes of stealing their dead parents' fortune.

Olaf

The Virginian Wolfsnake can bludgeon you to death with a typewriter!

Olaf

Did you ever know a woman, truck driver, who took your heart and rattled it like a bay in a cage? Who joined you for years on a sequence of heists and schemes until the two of you were forced apart by circumstance, and also because you ran off in the middle of the night with a bunch of her valuables?

(in a Texas accent) I'm here to school you.

Violet

First of all, first impressions are often wrong.

Olaf

Very true. For example, your first impression of me may be that I'm a terrible person. But, in time, Baudelaires, I hope you'll come to realize... you haven't the faintest idea.

Olaf

Well, I hope I can prove myself to be the father you never had.

Klaus

We had a father.

Olaf

Yes, I know. And a mother. Remarkable woman. Flammable.

Olaf

Do you know what the question is I am asked most is?

"Will you please leave the premises?"

Monty

And I will go and find the children, who you say have hidden themselves in the reptile room because you chased them up and down the staircase with a knife.

Olaf

A simple misunderstanding.

Monty

Yes. Well, I'm sure they'll be glad to hear that.

Monty

Well, I insist you come.

Olaf

I insist upon staying here.

Monty

But I insisted first.

Olaf

Well, I insisted louder!

Olaf

Don't you miss the vivid imagination of childhood?

Poe

I never had one.

Olaf

An imagination or a childhood?

Jacquelyn

Telegram for a Mr. Count Olaf.

Olaf

It's just 'Count Olaf!' "Count" is my honorific; calling me "Mr." is not only redundant, it's an insult to my station. Who- [he opens the door, sees Jacquelyn and grins] Well, we meet again. You might want to ease up on the bronzer.

Jacquelyn

I hope you don't think you're going to Peru, 'Yessica Haircut'. [steps inside, closes the door behind her]

Olaf

I find it helpful to leave the country now and then. See some ruins, wait for the manhunt to die down, eat some cuy.

Jacquelyn

You won't be eating any cuy, unless it's served in a prison cafeteria.

Olaf

Why would I be eating in a prison cafeteria?

Jacquelyn

Because I'm taking you to prison.

Olaf

Well, good luck with that. [pulls out his knife] I'm armed.

Jacquelyn

Hm. [pulls out a cleaver] So am I.

Olaf

Child's play. [pulls out a machete]

Jacquelyn

Adorable. [pulls out a harpoon gun and holds it to his neck]

Olaf

Is that a harpoon gun? [drops his weapons] You'd never use it. One of your great gifts is your eminent compassion. You wouldn't squash a spider.

Jacquelyn

I like spiders.

Olaf

Well, that's good, because there's one on your shoulder right now.

Jacquelyn

I'm not falling for that!

Olaf

No, no, I'm serious. It's on your left shoulder. It's one of the bigger ones; I wanna say 'tarantula?' [shudders]

Jacquelyn

You're not going anywhere, you snake.

Olaf

You're forgetting, my dear Jacquelyn: snakes shed their skin!

Olaf

You know, in many ways I am married to the sea.

Henchperson of Indeterminate Gender

This is actually a large lake.

Olaf

I am married to the sea, but my girlfriend is a large lake.

Olaf

I remember it as if it were yesterday.

Josephine

Although it was only a few hours ago.

Violet

You're not a sea captain.

Olaf

Oh, yes, I am. It says so on my business cards.

Olaf

You drank all of my wine.

You poisoned my coffee.

Olaf

You tried to hypnotize me.

It was the only way to shut you up!