Arthur Poe quotes from A Series of Unfortunate Events

Poe

I'm beginning to think it was a mistake to listen to that oddly dressed consultant who walked into my office with no references and no identification, and who suggested that I put you in Count Olaf's care.

Poe

I must say, other than a gaping middle age-shaped hole in the window, I can see no sign of struggle or break-in.

Poe

The point is that you just can't start jumping to conclusions. You jumped to the conclusion that this note was a forgery, and now you're jumping to the conclusion that a villainous man who swore he'd stop at nothing until he got a hold of your parents' enormous fortune is involved in some plot to get a hold of your parents' enormous fortune.

Poe

I don't approve of children being burned at the stake, but it is the rules, and one must always follow the rules.

Poe

I may forget a name, but I never remember a face.

Olaf

Don't you miss the vivid imagination of childhood?

Poe

I never had one.

Olaf

An imagination or a childhood?

Poe

It's a catastrophe. It's unprecedented. It's off-book, it's unfortunate. The Baudelaires are lost and unsupervised. Do you know what that means?!?

"Without supervision."

Olaf

How tedious.

Poe

Oh, compliment taken.

Count Olaf

I've always been honest about my desires, orphans: you, maimed or dead, and your fortune in my rarely-washed hands. That's more than the rest of these people can say.

Violet Baudelaire

These people are here to help us.

Count Olaf

Help you? Look around! I see a banker who cares more about a promotion than three orphans.

Arthur Poe

Vice President of Orphan Affairs.

Count Olaf

I see a man who was too afraid to protect you, and a woman who values paperwork over people's lives. I see a vice principal who was more than happy to let me into his school, as long as I stroked his ego.

That's a lie! He only stroked my... violin.

Count Olaf

I see rich people who only cared about you because you were "in", and villagers who only took you in to do their chores. I see volunteers whose complicated codes and pretentious literary references are useless against the real treacheries of the world. And presiding over them all, a justice so blind she let me marry you. These so-called decent people have done more to help my schemes than any of my associates.

Count Olaf

[seeing them push all the buttons in the elevator] What are you doing, Baudelaires? If we stop on every floor, I'll never reach the roof in time to poison everyone!

That's brilliant! If we stop on every floor, we can warn everyone!

Klaus

And save all these people.

Count Olaf

Only the ones who will believe you.

Klaus

The hotel is on fire!

Fire? Olaf, you're finally thinking big.

Count Olaf

There's no fire. The Baudelaires are trying to trick you! Whatever you do, stay where you are!

Violet

We're not lying! Can't you smell the smoke?

Count Olaf

That's from the barbecue for the cocktail party!

The Woman with Hair but no Beard

Typical Olaf. Throwing a party instead of starting a fire.

And after we tried so hard to set a bad example.

The Woman with Hair but no Beard

You have disappointed us for the last time.

Count Olaf

I certainly have.

[immaturely as elevator door closes] You're a disgrace to the legal profession!

Klaus

Fire! Fire!

Arthur Poe

Argh! Klaus? You shouldn't add false reporting to your list of crimes.

Next, they'll be saying Count Olaf is here!

Count Olaf is here! There really is a fire! You have to leave!

Follow me. I'm such a genius, I'll find the exit blindfolded.

Arthur Poe

It's like the blind leading the blind. [grabs an elephant statue] I've got you, sir.

Klaus

Fire!

Babs

Fire? Oh, no! No, no, no!

I think the stairs are this way!

Babs

I think the stairs are that way!

I don't like to argue. Let's compromise and just stand here.

Violet

Esmé, Carmelita, the hotel is on fire. You have to get out!

Why should we listen to cakesniffers?

Esmé Squalor

She's right. You orphans are as dishonest as my ex-boyfriend.

Count Olaf

[knowing what will happen] No, seriously, it's a big fire. I swear. Also, the sugar bowl is definitely not down in the laundry room.

Esmé Squalor

He's lying. We'll take the stairs to the laundry room and grab it ourselves! At last, the sugar bowl is mine!