Henchperson of Indeterminate Gender quotes from A Series of Unfortunate Events

Olaf

You know, in many ways I am married to the sea.

Henchperson of Indeterminate Gender

This is actually a large lake.

Olaf

I am married to the sea, but my girlfriend is a large lake.

Henchperson of Indeterminate Gender

[deadpan] Welcome to Herring Houdini, home of pickled fish.

Everything here's been prepared for you!

And very quickly!

But not because we got a phone call five minutes ago.

For the children, we offer a tour of the kitchen!

Henchperson of Indeterminate Gender

Where they'll probably not be thrown into a burlap sack.

And for the adults...

[appears, offering] Vodka martinis?

Henchperson of Indeterminate Gender

Which don't have any sleeping potion in them, at all.

Violet

Mr. Squalor, we can't eat here.

This sounds perfect, please. Yes!

Jerome

I don't like to argue. I'll let my wife decide...

Esmé

[composes herself] ...Vodka in a martini?

Esmé

Are we living in garbage?! [leaves in disgust, followed by Jerome and the Baudelaires. Olaf gives his troupe an annoyed look.]

[simultaneously] Isn't this a fine kettle of fish!

Lemony Snicket

Of course, not all mentors are good. Many years ago in my own organization, there were those who preyed on impressionable minds by taking them in at a point in their life when they might be particularly lost or vulnerable.

You look lost.

Count Olaf

[scoffs] How can I be lost? There are signs everywhere, which seems kind of dumb for a secret organization.

Woman with Hair but no Beard

We meant figuratively. [They step forward]

Count Olaf

Who are you? [stiffens] Wait... You're that man with the hair and the woman with the beard, or vice versa! I've heard about you.

And vice versa. We know what happened at the opera.

Woman with Hair but no Beard.

And we know how you've spent your nights since.

Wandering these tunnels.

Woman with Hair but no Beard

Directionless.

Alone.

Count Olaf

...Have you been following me?

With great interest, for some time.

Woman with Hair but no Beard

Your friends in V.F.D. betrayed you, but a young man with your talents doesn't need friends.

He needs guidance.

Count Olaf

I'll pass. I'm a tortured, brooding loner now. I've even taken up journaling. I'd rather be alone.

Woman with Hair but no Beard

Why, what a pity.

There's so much we could teach you. [Olaf looks intrigued]

Lemony Snicket

Bad mentors can lead you down a slippery slope, whether you encounter them years later at the top of a mountain, or you belong to their acting troupe.

They've been in that tent for a wile. I wonder what they're planning.

I hope it's a picnic.

It's never a picnic.

Not anymore.

Henchperson of Indeterminate gender

I joined Count Olaf because I thought he could teach me things, like how to harness my natural charisma into a career in the performing arts. [sighs] But I'm beginning to question my life choices.

[nods] I know what you mean. I get the serious creeps from those serious creeps.

Henchperson of Indeterminate gender

They definitely killed those carnival freaks.

Oh, yeah.

[simultaneously] Dead as doornails!

[to Sunny, who is in a birdcage] What do you think they're up to, baby? [they all look at her]

Sunny Baudelaire

*indistinct garble (Trouble.)