If you are interested in stories with happy endings, then you would be better off somewhere else. In this story is there not only no happy ending, there is no happy beginning and very few happy things in the middle.
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
This story will be dreadful, melancholy, and calamitous. A word which here means "dreadful and melancholy."
Sunny Baudelaire was an infant, a word which here means, "A person of the age at which one mostly speaks in a series of unintelligible shrieks that most people had trouble understanding what she was saying."
First of all, first impressions are often wrong.
Very true. For example, your first impression of me may be that I'm a terrible person. But, in time, Baudelaires, I hope you'll come to realize... you haven't the faintest idea.
Well, I hope I can prove myself to be the father you never had.
We had a father.
Yes, I know. And a mother. Remarkable woman. Flammable.
Hello. My name is Lemony Snicket. And I am sorry to say that the alleged entertainment you are watching is extremely unpleasant. From the beginning of this miserable tale 'til the last melancholy scene, I cannot think of a single line, a single word, that does not chill me to my deepest bones.
Do you know what the question is I am asked most is?
HHHook-Handed Man
"Will you please leave the premises?"
The word "standoffish" is a wonderful one, but it does not describe Count Olafs behavior toward the children. "Standoffish" refers to a person who for various reasons is not associating with others. It is a word which might describe somebody who, during a party, might stand in a corner instead of talking to another person. It would not describe somebody who provides one bed for three people to sleep in, forces them to do horrible chores, and strikes them across the face. There are many words for people like that. But "standoffish" isn't one of them.
Marriage is like sharing a root beer float or agreeing to be the back half of a horse costume. Even when it's happening on stage, you should only do it with the people you love.
You know, some people say that the hardest job in the world is raising a child. But it is nothing compared to conceiving, writing, directing, producing, and performing in a theatrical presentation for the purposes of stealing their dead parents' fortune.
I'm beginning to think it was a mistake to listen to that oddly dressed consultant who walked into my office with no references and no identification, and who suggested that I put you in Count Olaf's care.
Lousy Lane is perhaps the most unpleasant lane in the world. It runs past an orchard of trees which once produced apples so sour one only had to look at them to feel ill. It circles a horseradish factory so the entire area smells bitter and strong.
I don't like fancy titles unless they get me a discount at the movies.
And I will go and find the children, who you say have hidden themselves in the reptile room because you chased them up and down the staircase with a knife.
A simple misunderstanding.
Yes. Well, I'm sure they'll be glad to hear that.
Well, I insist you come.
I insist upon staying here.
But I insisted first.
Well, I insisted louder!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's A Series of Unfortunate Events pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.