How tedious.
Oh, compliment taken.
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
Nice try, but this isn't Frank, it's Ernest!
FDFrank Denouement
Actually, I am Frank.
Curses!
Look at Count Olaf. He's about to go to jail. Why does he look so calm?
Maybe he's acting calm.
We both know he's not that good of an actor.
I've always been honest about my desires, orphans: you, maimed or dead, and your fortune in my rarely-washed hands. That's more than the rest of these people can say.
These people are here to help us.
Help you? Look around! I see a banker who cares more about a promotion than three orphans.
Vice President of Orphan Affairs.
I see a man who was too afraid to protect you, and a woman who values paperwork over people's lives. I see a vice principal who was more than happy to let me into his school, as long as I stroked his ego.
VPVice Principal Nero
That's a lie! He only stroked my... violin.
I see rich people who only cared about you because you were "in", and villagers who only took you in to do their chores. I see volunteers whose complicated codes and pretentious literary references are useless against the real treacheries of the world. And presiding over them all, a justice so blind she let me marry you. These so-called decent people have done more to help my schemes than any of my associates.
[seeing them push all the buttons in the elevator] What are you doing, Baudelaires? If we stop on every floor, I'll never reach the roof in time to poison everyone!
JSJustice Straus
That's brilliant! If we stop on every floor, we can warn everyone!
And save all these people.
Only the ones who will believe you.
[the elevator stops at the lobby]
The hotel is on fire!
Fire? Olaf, you're finally thinking big.
There's no fire. The Baudelaires are trying to trick you! Whatever you do, stay where you are!
We're not lying! Can't you smell the smoke?
That's from the barbecue for the cocktail party!
Typical Olaf. Throwing a party instead of starting a fire.
And after we tried so hard to set a bad example.
You have disappointed us for the last time.
I certainly have.
JSJustice Straus
[immaturely as elevator door closes] You're a disgrace to the legal profession!
[the elevator stops on another floor]
Fire! Fire!
Argh! Klaus? You shouldn't add false reporting to your list of crimes.
VPVice Principal Nero
Next, they'll be saying Count Olaf is here!
JSJustice Straus
Count Olaf is here! There really is a fire! You have to leave!
VPVice Principal Nero
Follow me. I'm such a genius, I'll find the exit blindfolded.
It's like the blind leading the blind. [grabs an elephant statue] I've got you, sir.
[the elevator stops on another floor]
Fire!
Fire? Oh, no! No, no, no!
JSJerome Squalor
I think the stairs are this way!
I think the stairs are that way!
JSJerome Squalor
I don't like to argue. Let's compromise and just stand here.
[the elevator stops on another floor]
Esmé, Carmelita, the hotel is on fire. You have to get out!
CSCarmelita Spats
Why should we listen to cakesniffers?
She's right. You orphans are as dishonest as my ex-boyfriend.
[knowing what will happen] No, seriously, it's a big fire. I swear. Also, the sugar bowl is definitely not down in the laundry room.
He's lying. We'll take the stairs to the laundry room and grab it ourselves! At last, the sugar bowl is mine!
IIshmael
So, tell me, how did three children like you come to be shipwrecked with a man like that?
It's a long story.
Extremely long.
Three seasons.
At last, you bow before the King of Olaf-Land.
We don't have time for your nonsense! We need your help.
You need my help? [laughs weakly, sneers] Well, well, well... how do you like them apples?
Take a bite of this apple. It'll dilute the poison.
I don't want your bitter fruit! I've lost too much to go on. My parents, my true love, my henchfolk, an enormous fortune I never really earned.
You have to go on. Do one good thing in your life, Olaf!
I've done lots of good things in my life. I once took in three orphans-
You made us orphans in the first place!
... Is that what you think?
We know it.
You don't know anything.
Please! You have to help Kit. Her baby is arriving, she could die!
[looks startled]...Kit... might die? [pause, he grabs the apple from Klaus] give me that.
[staring at Olaf's wound] That looks bad.
I've been worse.
Yuck.
KSKit Snicket
[awakens and sees Olaf] ...You!
[smiles sadly] I told you I'd do that one last time.
KSKit Snicket
You are a wicked man. You really think one kind act will make me forgive you all your failings?
... I haven't apologized.
Let me see your eyes.
KSKit Snicket
...Hm?
... "The night has a thousand eyes, and the day but one. Yet the light of the bright world dies with the dying sun."
KSKit Snicket
"The mind has a thousand eyes, and the heart but one. Yet the light of a whole life dies when love is done."
... I never forgot you.
KSKit Snicket
You hurt people.
Yeah. And people hurt me. [he groans and lays down next to her, weakened by his wound] It's all over now. What's that thing your brother used to say? "Man hands on misery to man..."
KSKit Snicket
[smiles] "It deepens..."
KSKit Snicket and Klaus Baudelaire
"...Like a coastal shelf."
[chuckles weakly] "get out as early as you can-"
"-And don't have any kids yourself."
...Olaf?
... He's gone, Sunny. He's dead.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's A Series of Unfortunate Events pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.