Lemony Snicket quotes from A Series of Unfortunate Events

Lemony

If you are interested in stories with happy endings, then you would be better off somewhere else. In this story is there not only no happy ending, there is no happy beginning and very few happy things in the middle.

Lemony

This story will be dreadful, melancholy, and calamitous. A word which here means "dreadful and melancholy."

Lemony

Sunny Baudelaire was an infant, a word which here means, "A person of the age at which one mostly speaks in a series of unintelligible shrieks that most people had trouble understanding what she was saying."

Lemony

Hello. My name is Lemony Snicket. And I am sorry to say that the alleged entertainment you are watching is extremely unpleasant. From the beginning of this miserable tale 'til the last melancholy scene, I cannot think of a single line, a single word, that does not chill me to my deepest bones.

Lemony

The word "standoffish" is a wonderful one, but it does not describe Count Olafs behavior toward the children. "Standoffish" refers to a person who for various reasons is not associating with others. It is a word which might describe somebody who, during a party, might stand in a corner instead of talking to another person. It would not describe somebody who provides one bed for three people to sleep in, forces them to do horrible chores, and strikes them across the face. There are many words for people like that. But "standoffish" isn't one of them.

Lemony

Marriage is like sharing a root beer float or agreeing to be the back half of a horse costume. Even when it's happening on stage, you should only do it with the people you love.

Lemony

Lousy Lane is perhaps the most unpleasant lane in the world. It runs past an orchard of trees which once produced apples so sour one only had to look at them to feel ill. It circles a horseradish factory so the entire area smells bitter and strong.

Lemony

It is now necessary for me to use the hackneyed phrase, "Meanwhile, back at the ranch." The word "hackneyed" here means used by so many writers it is a tiresome cliche. While, "Meanwhile, back at the ranch" is a phrase to link what is going on in one part of a story with another part, and has nothing to do with cows or creamy salad dressing.

Lemony

If the story of the Baudelaire orphans were a weather report, there'd hardly be any sunshine to be seen. Instead there would be cloudbursts of unhappiness, blizzards of despair, misery in the form of sleet storms, various cold fronts of terror, horror, attacks of allergies, not to mention the threat of a devastating hurricane lurking just off the map.

Lemony

Of course, if you are allergic to a thing, it is best not to put that thing in your mouth. Particularly if the thing is cats.

Lemony

Sailing across Lake Lachrymose in a hurricane offers a plethora of challenges. "Plethora" is a word which here means "Too many to list," but I will try.

Lemony

If you like stories in which children enjoy pleasant rides in truck beds on their way to colorful destinations, where they finally solve the curious mysteries plaguing their lives, that story is streaming elsewhere.

Lemony

"Out of the woods" is an expression referring to the fact that woods are dangerous places to be. Hansel and Gretel, two siblings enter the woods and are menaced by an elderly cannibal. Little Red riding Hood, a wolf enters the woods and is menaced by a rude little girl. And Walden, a poet enters the woods and is menaced by revelations that we should abandon civilization and live by a pond.

Lemony

For example, if an optimist were to have his right arm bitten off by an alligator, he might say, "Oh, boy, half-price manicures for life." As for the rest of us would say, "Ah, my arm." "Optimist" is not to be confused with "optometrist," a word meaning "health care professional who performs eye exams." Although both can be dangerous.

Lemony

Unless you are a murderer or a taxidermist, it is rare to have actual skeletons in your closet as opposed to metaphorical ones.