Violet Baudelaire quotes from A Series of Unfortunate Events

Violet

We wouldn't go to the end of the driveway with you, much less international waters.

Violet

I hope Mr. Poe isn't too worried about us.

Violet

Good point.

Violet

First of all, first impressions are often wrong.

Olaf

Very true. For example, your first impression of me may be that I'm a terrible person. But, in time, Baudelaires, I hope you'll come to realize... you haven't the faintest idea.

Klaus

At least Aunt Josephine's trying. She wanted to get us gifts, even though she didn't know what we liked. We shouldn't complain.

Violet

You're right. She means well. Even though she's terrified of everything, we shouldn't complain.

Klaus

You're right.

Klaus

I want to complain anyway.

Violet

You're not a sea captain.

Olaf

Oh, yes, I am. It says so on my business cards.

Violet

Why do you hate us so much?

Olaf

Because it's fun.

Olaf

Didn’t your parents teach you anything?

Violet

They taught us to survive.

Olaf

Well they do say, "Those who can’t do... teach."

Henchperson of Indeterminate Gender

[deadpan] Welcome to Herring Houdini, home of pickled fish.

Everything here's been prepared for you!

And very quickly!

But not because we got a phone call five minutes ago.

For the children, we offer a tour of the kitchen!

Henchperson of Indeterminate Gender

Where they'll probably not be thrown into a burlap sack.

And for the adults...

[appears, offering] Vodka martinis?

Henchperson of Indeterminate Gender

Which don't have any sleeping potion in them, at all.

Violet

Mr. Squalor, we can't eat here.

This sounds perfect, please. Yes!

Jerome

I don't like to argue. I'll let my wife decide...

Esmé

[composes herself] ...Vodka in a martini?

Esmé

Are we living in garbage?! [leaves in disgust, followed by Jerome and the Baudelaires. Olaf gives his troupe an annoyed look.]

[simultaneously] Isn't this a fine kettle of fish!

Hello, I'm Larry, your waiter. Welcome to Café Salmonella, the city's innest restaurant, and the only restaurant serving an all-salmon menu, including beverages and table linens! [begins handing out menus]

Violet

It's that same waiter. He's everywhere we go--

Klaus

He's always trying to help us.

[without fake accent] Larry... [resumes accent] I, ah...I think I'm feeling queasy, please, and I need to run back to pretty lady's apartment, where there is nothing hidden, by the way!

[stops Olaf] Nonsense, sir! We've had the menu translated especially for our foreign guests.

And what language did you have it translated into, please?

The one you speak most fluently.

Ah, well, well, well, I speak all of them hella fluently!

[sits Olaf down as Olaf groans] Then there's nothing to worry about! [finishes handing out menus, then offers Jerome and Esmé two glasses of pinkish liquid] May I start you off with still or sparkling salmon-flavored water?

Esmé

[incredulous] Salmon-flavored...? [laughs] You are making my mouth water and turn pink!

Jerome

How do you make your water salmon-flavored?

We put salmon in it.

Jerome

I'll have regular water, thank you.

Violet

So would we.

Esmé

Nonsense! Jerome, what if someone sees you drinking it? [to Violet and Klaus] Regular water isn't in!

Klaus

But it's the primary ingredient in aqueous martinis...

I think the young people might enjoy playing along with the theme of Café Salmonella [holds up a piece of paper with "V.F.D." written on it] and its Virulently Fishy Decor!

Count Olaf

Have you ever hunted, Violet?

Violet Baudelaire

Of course not.

Count Olaf

Well, if you had, you'd be familiar with a particular experience. There's a particular moment, at the end of a long hunt, when you have the animal cornered. And the animal looks into your eyes, deep into them, to see if there's any mercy in there. And when it sees that there is not, it gives up. It gives its life to you. Well, I have you cornered, Violet, and I have no mercy.

Violet Baudelaire

[concerning Fernald] We're not going anywhere with him!

I'm not abandoning my brother! He's the only family I have left.

Klaus Baudelaire

He-he's dangerous! He's wicked!

Violet Baudelaire

He burned down Anwhistle Aquatics! I read about it in a Volunteer Factual Dispatch. It said Fernald betrayed V.F.D.; he committed arson, and joined the wrong side of the schism!

You still don't get it. There is no wrong side of the schism.

Violet Baudelaire

Of course there is! One side puts out fires, and the other starts them!

... You should have seen the fire. [In a flashback, Fernald is shown weeping in a boat as he watches Anwhiste Aquatics burn] I was an apprentice at Anwhistle Aquatics when I learned what Gregor Anwhistle was cultivating in his Grotto. A fungus so powerful, it could destroy V.F.D.'s enemies once and for all. He was playing with fire. I warned him it was volatile. If the fungus got out, it could destroy everyone! But he didn't listen, so I decided... to fight fire with fire. I'll never forget the sight of it- like the sea was burning. It was the worst day of my life. But what choice did I have?!

I did a terrible thing for a noble reason, and I paid for it. [raises his hooks] I lost my hands in the fire, and I got kicked out of V.F.D. My stepdad was so furious.

He never told me why you did it. He just said there were secrets too terrible for young people to know.

[scoffs] He used to say that to me, too. He was a fool.

He is not a fool! He is a noble man.

Klaus Baudelaire

And V.F.D. is a noble organization! They'd never cultivate something that would harm people.

Tell that to your little sister.

Klaus

Do you think we can trust Kit?

Violet

Since we got into her taxi, she's broken at least nine traffic safety laws, driven into a hedge, and recruited us to spy for a secret organization. I like her.

Klaus

Me too.

Klaus

Look at Count Olaf. He's about to go to jail. Why does he look so calm?

Violet

Maybe he's acting calm.

Klaus

We both know he's not that good of an actor.

Count Olaf

I've always been honest about my desires, orphans: you, maimed or dead, and your fortune in my rarely-washed hands. That's more than the rest of these people can say.

Violet Baudelaire

These people are here to help us.

Count Olaf

Help you? Look around! I see a banker who cares more about a promotion than three orphans.

Arthur Poe

Vice President of Orphan Affairs.

Count Olaf

I see a man who was too afraid to protect you, and a woman who values paperwork over people's lives. I see a vice principal who was more than happy to let me into his school, as long as I stroked his ego.

That's a lie! He only stroked my... violin.

Count Olaf

I see rich people who only cared about you because you were "in", and villagers who only took you in to do their chores. I see volunteers whose complicated codes and pretentious literary references are useless against the real treacheries of the world. And presiding over them all, a justice so blind she let me marry you. These so-called decent people have done more to help my schemes than any of my associates.

Count Olaf

[seeing them push all the buttons in the elevator] What are you doing, Baudelaires? If we stop on every floor, I'll never reach the roof in time to poison everyone!

That's brilliant! If we stop on every floor, we can warn everyone!

Klaus

And save all these people.

Count Olaf

Only the ones who will believe you.

Klaus

The hotel is on fire!

Fire? Olaf, you're finally thinking big.

Count Olaf

There's no fire. The Baudelaires are trying to trick you! Whatever you do, stay where you are!

Violet

We're not lying! Can't you smell the smoke?

Count Olaf

That's from the barbecue for the cocktail party!

The Woman with Hair but no Beard

Typical Olaf. Throwing a party instead of starting a fire.

And after we tried so hard to set a bad example.

The Woman with Hair but no Beard

You have disappointed us for the last time.

Count Olaf

I certainly have.

[immaturely as elevator door closes] You're a disgrace to the legal profession!

Klaus

Fire! Fire!

Arthur Poe

Argh! Klaus? You shouldn't add false reporting to your list of crimes.

Next, they'll be saying Count Olaf is here!

Count Olaf is here! There really is a fire! You have to leave!

Follow me. I'm such a genius, I'll find the exit blindfolded.

Arthur Poe

It's like the blind leading the blind. [grabs an elephant statue] I've got you, sir.

Klaus

Fire!

Babs

Fire? Oh, no! No, no, no!

I think the stairs are this way!

Babs

I think the stairs are that way!

I don't like to argue. Let's compromise and just stand here.

Violet

Esmé, Carmelita, the hotel is on fire. You have to get out!

Why should we listen to cakesniffers?

Esmé Squalor

She's right. You orphans are as dishonest as my ex-boyfriend.

Count Olaf

[knowing what will happen] No, seriously, it's a big fire. I swear. Also, the sugar bowl is definitely not down in the laundry room.

Esmé Squalor

He's lying. We'll take the stairs to the laundry room and grab it ourselves! At last, the sugar bowl is mine!