Didn’t your parents teach you anything?
They taught us to survive.
Well they do say, "Those who can’t do... teach."
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
[At "Herring Houdini", a fake restaurant run by Olaf's acting troupe]
[deadpan] Welcome to Herring Houdini, home of pickled fish.
HHHook-Handed Man
Everything here's been prepared for you!
PFPowder-Faced Woman 1
And very quickly!
PFPowder-Faced Woman 2
But not because we got a phone call five minutes ago.
HHHook-Handed Man
For the children, we offer a tour of the kitchen!
Where they'll probably not be thrown into a burlap sack.
HHHook-Handed Man
And for the adults...
BMBald Man
[appears, offering] Vodka martinis?
Which don't have any sleeping potion in them, at all.
[Jerome and Esmé, bewildered, do not initially respond.]
Mr. Squalor, we can't eat here.
O"Gunther"/Olaf
This sounds perfect, please. Yes!
I don't like to argue. I'll let my wife decide...
[composes herself] ...Vodka in a martini?
[The hook-handed and bald men nod eagerly.]
Are we living in garbage?! [leaves in disgust, followed by Jerome and the Baudelaires. Olaf gives his troupe an annoyed look.]
PFPowder-Faced Women
[simultaneously] Isn't this a fine kettle of fish!
[At Café Salmonella]
LYLarry Your-Waiter
Hello, I'm Larry, your waiter. Welcome to Café Salmonella, the city's innest restaurant, and the only restaurant serving an all-salmon menu, including beverages and table linens! [begins handing out menus]
It's that same waiter. He's everywhere we go--
He's always trying to help us.
O"Gunther"/Olaf
[without fake accent] Larry... [resumes accent] I, ah...I think I'm feeling queasy, please, and I need to run back to pretty lady's apartment, where there is nothing hidden, by the way!
LYLarry Your-Waiter
[stops Olaf] Nonsense, sir! We've had the menu translated especially for our foreign guests.
O"Gunther"/Olaf
And what language did you have it translated into, please?
LYLarry Your-Waiter
The one you speak most fluently.
O"Gunther"/Olaf
Ah, well, well, well, I speak all of them hella fluently!
LYLarry Your-Waiter
[sits Olaf down as Olaf groans] Then there's nothing to worry about! [finishes handing out menus, then offers Jerome and Esmé two glasses of pinkish liquid] May I start you off with still or sparkling salmon-flavored water?
[incredulous] Salmon-flavored...? [laughs] You are making my mouth water and turn pink!
How do you make your water salmon-flavored?
LYLarry Your-Waiter
We put salmon in it.
I'll have regular water, thank you.
So would we.
Nonsense! Jerome, what if someone sees you drinking it? [to Violet and Klaus] Regular water isn't in!
But it's the primary ingredient in aqueous martinis...
LYLarry Your-Waiter
I think the young people might enjoy playing along with the theme of Café Salmonella [holds up a piece of paper with "V.F.D." written on it] and its Virulently Fishy Decor!
The management regrets it cannot allow any orphans to escape at this time.
*indistinct garble* (Someday, Olaf's perfidy will end.)
[frowns] What does "perfidy" mean?
*indistinct garble* (Treachery, basically)
Ahhh. You know, you're clever, and you're good with your teeth. If you play your cards right, you could join our troupe instead of surrendering your life and your fortune in more or less that order.
Hey, whattaya think you're doing? Heyy!-
You are in big trouble!
... What am I supposed to do with this?
Ohh... Oh, no! You're not bribing your way out of this! What am I supposed to tell the boss when you're not in that elevator shaft?!
[Gasps with horror for a moment]... Oh, well that worked out.
OOlivia
(about Olaf) He just made a left-hand turn without signalling.
JJacques
That man's villainy knows no bounds.
Who are you? Wait... the smell of paste, the glassy-eyed stare of someone who works with children. You're that school librarian!
OCOlivia Caliban
That was a long time ago.
It wasn't that long ago; it was actually just, like, a few-
JSJacques Snicket
The jig is up, Olaf.
"Jig?"
JSJacques Snicket
It's a phrase which means "Your scheme has been undone." As Dante once said-
(scatting) Ubshubshadoobadoobang!
JSJacques Snicket
... Dante never said that.
COCoung Olaf
(scatting) Shoobadybabidybowow...
...Owww.
OCOlivia Caliban
Tell us where the triplets are.
Triplets? I thought they were twins.
JSJacques Snickett
Where are they? Where did you put them?
Wait, there's two of them, right? One who writes poetry and one who cries all the time?
OCOlivia Caliban
We shouldn't do this here; anyone could walk in this saloon who's over eighteen.
JSJacques Snicket
You know what these are?
Uh, Bracelett Things of Justice? No, it's on the tip of my tongue...
OCOlivia Caliban
Time's up, they're handcuffs.
(sarcastically) Handcuffs? Who knew?
JSJacques Snicket
(cuffing Olaf) Gag him.
Ah, no, that bandanna's not my color; I'm more of a spring-summer-
OCOlivia Caliban
(gags him) You don't deserve to wear colors that compliment the undertones of your complexion.
JSJacques Snicket
Fun, isn't it?
OCOlivia Caliban
What?
JSJacques Snicket
Getting your man.
(gagged) I only have one question: who is Dante?
JSJacques Snicket
Dante was an Italian poet, thirteenth century; he wrote The Divine Comedy.
(gagged) Oh.
Trapped. Caught like a bat in a trap. These dark, bare walls are closing in. I call to you, spirits of the jail cell! Save me! Save me! How long has it been? The days turn to months...
JSJacques Snicket
It’s been 8 minutes, would you like some tea?
AAnabelle
Hold on a moment. We can't simply burn people at the stake whenever we want. We're civilized people.
JJemma
How about after supper?
AAnabelle
Okay.
Do you smell smoke?
LLarry
There's a touch hickory in the dumplings.
Not literally. Figuratively.
LLarry
I always smell smoke figuratively.
I heard from Mr. Poe.
LLarry
Sorry about that, but you do work for him.
I don't approve of children being burned at the stake, but it is the rules, and one must always follow the rules.
LLarry
This was a good town once, with good people who helped each other, who put out fires. It can be a good town again.
A noble man has been murdered. Look in your hearts and ask yourselves, what do you really want?
JJemma
To burn children.
What are you waiting for? Shoot!
You try loading a harpoon gun without ruining a manicure.
I have!
BMBearded Man
A cheerful attitude is the most effective tool against sickness.
I thought antibiotics were.
Paperwork makes the world go round.
I thought money did that.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's A Series of Unfortunate Events pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.