Klaus Baudelaire quotes from A Series of Unfortunate Events

Olaf

Well, I hope I can prove myself to be the father you never had.

Klaus

We had a father.

Olaf

Yes, I know. And a mother. Remarkable woman. Flammable.

Klaus

At least Aunt Josephine's trying. She wanted to get us gifts, even though she didn't know what we liked. We shouldn't complain.

Violet

You're right. She means well. Even though she's terrified of everything, we shouldn't complain.

Klaus

You're right.

Klaus

I want to complain anyway.

I know Sir can be prickly, but you have to understand, he had a very terrible childhood.

Klaus

I understand. I'm having a very terrible childhood right now.

Hello, I'm Larry, your waiter. Welcome to Café Salmonella, the city's innest restaurant, and the only restaurant serving an all-salmon menu, including beverages and table linens! [begins handing out menus]

Violet

It's that same waiter. He's everywhere we go--

Klaus

He's always trying to help us.

[without fake accent] Larry... [resumes accent] I, ah...I think I'm feeling queasy, please, and I need to run back to pretty lady's apartment, where there is nothing hidden, by the way!

[stops Olaf] Nonsense, sir! We've had the menu translated especially for our foreign guests.

And what language did you have it translated into, please?

The one you speak most fluently.

Ah, well, well, well, I speak all of them hella fluently!

[sits Olaf down as Olaf groans] Then there's nothing to worry about! [finishes handing out menus, then offers Jerome and Esmé two glasses of pinkish liquid] May I start you off with still or sparkling salmon-flavored water?

Esmé

[incredulous] Salmon-flavored...? [laughs] You are making my mouth water and turn pink!

Jerome

How do you make your water salmon-flavored?

We put salmon in it.

Jerome

I'll have regular water, thank you.

Violet

So would we.

Esmé

Nonsense! Jerome, what if someone sees you drinking it? [to Violet and Klaus] Regular water isn't in!

Klaus

But it's the primary ingredient in aqueous martinis...

I think the young people might enjoy playing along with the theme of Café Salmonella [holds up a piece of paper with "V.F.D." written on it] and its Virulently Fishy Decor!

A cheerful attitude is the most effective tool against sickness.

Klaus

I thought antibiotics were.

Violet Baudelaire

[concerning Fernald] We're not going anywhere with him!

I'm not abandoning my brother! He's the only family I have left.

Klaus Baudelaire

He-he's dangerous! He's wicked!

Violet Baudelaire

He burned down Anwhistle Aquatics! I read about it in a Volunteer Factual Dispatch. It said Fernald betrayed V.F.D.; he committed arson, and joined the wrong side of the schism!

You still don't get it. There is no wrong side of the schism.

Violet Baudelaire

Of course there is! One side puts out fires, and the other starts them!

... You should have seen the fire. [In a flashback, Fernald is shown weeping in a boat as he watches Anwhiste Aquatics burn] I was an apprentice at Anwhistle Aquatics when I learned what Gregor Anwhistle was cultivating in his Grotto. A fungus so powerful, it could destroy V.F.D.'s enemies once and for all. He was playing with fire. I warned him it was volatile. If the fungus got out, it could destroy everyone! But he didn't listen, so I decided... to fight fire with fire. I'll never forget the sight of it- like the sea was burning. It was the worst day of my life. But what choice did I have?!

I did a terrible thing for a noble reason, and I paid for it. [raises his hooks] I lost my hands in the fire, and I got kicked out of V.F.D. My stepdad was so furious.

He never told me why you did it. He just said there were secrets too terrible for young people to know.

[scoffs] He used to say that to me, too. He was a fool.

He is not a fool! He is a noble man.

Klaus Baudelaire

And V.F.D. is a noble organization! They'd never cultivate something that would harm people.

Tell that to your little sister.

Klaus

Do you think we can trust Kit?

Violet

Since we got into her taxi, she's broken at least nine traffic safety laws, driven into a hedge, and recruited us to spy for a secret organization. I like her.

Klaus

Me too.

Klaus

Look at Count Olaf. He's about to go to jail. Why does he look so calm?

Violet

Maybe he's acting calm.

Klaus

We both know he's not that good of an actor.

Count Olaf

[seeing them push all the buttons in the elevator] What are you doing, Baudelaires? If we stop on every floor, I'll never reach the roof in time to poison everyone!

That's brilliant! If we stop on every floor, we can warn everyone!

Klaus

And save all these people.

Count Olaf

Only the ones who will believe you.

Klaus

The hotel is on fire!

Fire? Olaf, you're finally thinking big.

Count Olaf

There's no fire. The Baudelaires are trying to trick you! Whatever you do, stay where you are!

Violet

We're not lying! Can't you smell the smoke?

Count Olaf

That's from the barbecue for the cocktail party!

The Woman with Hair but no Beard

Typical Olaf. Throwing a party instead of starting a fire.

And after we tried so hard to set a bad example.

The Woman with Hair but no Beard

You have disappointed us for the last time.

Count Olaf

I certainly have.

[immaturely as elevator door closes] You're a disgrace to the legal profession!

Klaus

Fire! Fire!

Arthur Poe

Argh! Klaus? You shouldn't add false reporting to your list of crimes.

Next, they'll be saying Count Olaf is here!

Count Olaf is here! There really is a fire! You have to leave!

Follow me. I'm such a genius, I'll find the exit blindfolded.

Arthur Poe

It's like the blind leading the blind. [grabs an elephant statue] I've got you, sir.

Klaus

Fire!

Babs

Fire? Oh, no! No, no, no!

I think the stairs are this way!

Babs

I think the stairs are that way!

I don't like to argue. Let's compromise and just stand here.

Violet

Esmé, Carmelita, the hotel is on fire. You have to get out!

Why should we listen to cakesniffers?

Esmé Squalor

She's right. You orphans are as dishonest as my ex-boyfriend.

Count Olaf

[knowing what will happen] No, seriously, it's a big fire. I swear. Also, the sugar bowl is definitely not down in the laundry room.

Esmé Squalor

He's lying. We'll take the stairs to the laundry room and grab it ourselves! At last, the sugar bowl is mine!

So, tell me, how did three children like you come to be shipwrecked with a man like that?

Violet

It's a long story.

Klaus

Extremely long.

Sunny

Three seasons.

Count Olaf

At last, you bow before the King of Olaf-Land.

Violet Baudelaire

We don't have time for your nonsense! We need your help.

Count Olaf

You need my help? [laughs weakly, sneers] Well, well, well... how do you like them apples?

Klaus Baudelaire

Take a bite of this apple. It'll dilute the poison.

Count Olaf

I don't want your bitter fruit! I've lost too much to go on. My parents, my true love, my henchfolk, an enormous fortune I never really earned.

Violet Baudelaire

You have to go on. Do one good thing in your life, Olaf!

Count Olaf

I've done lots of good things in my life. I once took in three orphans-

Klaus Baudelaire

You made us orphans in the first place!

Count Olaf

... Is that what you think?

Violet Baudelaire

We know it.

Count Olaf

You don't know anything.

Violet Baudelaire

Please! You have to help Kit. Her baby is arriving, she could die!

Count Olaf

[looks startled]...Kit... might die? [pause, he grabs the apple from Klaus] give me that.

Klaus Baudelaire

[staring at Olaf's wound] That looks bad.

Count Olaf

I've been worse.

Sunny Baudelaire

Yuck.

[awakens and sees Olaf] ...You!

Count Olaf

[smiles sadly] I told you I'd do that one last time.

You are a wicked man. You really think one kind act will make me forgive you all your failings?

Count Olaf

... I haven't apologized.

Count Olaf

Let me see your eyes.

...Hm?

Count Olaf

... "The night has a thousand eyes, and the day but one. Yet the light of the bright world dies with the dying sun."

"The mind has a thousand eyes, and the heart but one. Yet the light of a whole life dies when love is done."

Count Olaf

... I never forgot you.

You hurt people.

Count Olaf

Yeah. And people hurt me. [he groans and lays down next to her, weakened by his wound] It's all over now. What's that thing your brother used to say? "Man hands on misery to man..."

[smiles] "It deepens..."

"...Like a coastal shelf."

Count Olaf

[chuckles weakly] "get out as early as you can-"

Count Olaf

"-And don't have any kids yourself."

Sunny Baudelaire

...Olaf?

Klaus Baudelaire

... He's gone, Sunny. He's dead.