[At "Herring Houdini", a fake restaurant run by Olaf's acting troupe]
[deadpan] Welcome to Herring Houdini, home of pickled fish.
HHHook-Handed Man
Everything here's been prepared for you!
PFPowder-Faced Woman 1
And very quickly!
PFPowder-Faced Woman 2
But not because we got a phone call five minutes ago.
HHHook-Handed Man
For the children, we offer a tour of the kitchen!
Where they'll probably not be thrown into a burlap sack.
HHHook-Handed Man
And for the adults...
BMBald Man
[appears, offering] Vodka martinis?
Which don't have any sleeping potion in them, at all.
[Jerome and Esmé, bewildered, do not initially respond.]
Mr. Squalor, we can't eat here.
O"Gunther"/Olaf
This sounds perfect, please. Yes!
JeromeI don't like to argue. I'll let my wife decide...
[composes herself] ...Vodka in a martini?
[The hook-handed and bald men nod eagerly.]
Are we living in garbage?! [leaves in disgust, followed by Jerome and the Baudelaires. Olaf gives his troupe an annoyed look.]
PFPowder-Faced Women
[simultaneously] Isn't this a fine kettle of fish!
[At Café Salmonella]
LYLarry Your-Waiter
Hello, I'm Larry, your waiter. Welcome to Café Salmonella, the city's innest restaurant, and the only restaurant serving an all-salmon menu, including beverages and table linens! [begins handing out menus]
It's that same waiter. He's everywhere we go--
He's always trying to help us.
O"Gunther"/Olaf
[without fake accent] Larry... [resumes accent] I, ah...I think I'm feeling queasy, please, and I need to run back to pretty lady's apartment, where there is nothing hidden, by the way!
LYLarry Your-Waiter
[stops Olaf] Nonsense, sir! We've had the menu translated especially for our foreign guests.
O"Gunther"/Olaf
And what language did you have it translated into, please?
LYLarry Your-Waiter
The one you speak most fluently.
O"Gunther"/Olaf
Ah, well, well, well, I speak all of them hella fluently!
LYLarry Your-Waiter
[sits Olaf down as Olaf groans] Then there's nothing to worry about! [finishes handing out menus, then offers Jerome and Esmé two glasses of pinkish liquid] May I start you off with still or sparkling salmon-flavored water?
[incredulous] Salmon-flavored...? [laughs] You are making my mouth water and turn pink!
Jerome
How do you make your water salmon-flavored?
LYLarry Your-Waiter
We put salmon in it.
Jerome
I'll have regular water, thank you.
Nonsense! Jerome, what if someone sees you drinking it? [to Violet and Klaus] Regular water isn't in!
But it's the primary ingredient in aqueous martinis...
LYLarry Your-Waiter
I think the young people might enjoy playing along with the theme of Café Salmonella [holds up a piece of paper with "V.F.D." written on it] and its Virulently Fishy Decor!
Jerome
We just have to wait till Thursday. That's when all these unfortunate events will be over and I go back to the real love of my life. We met at a support group for people who have escaped horrible partners. He got a telegram from J.S. too, but he couldn't be here. He's busy at his lumbermill.
Well, I have someone too. She also received a telegram, but couldn't make it either. She's in prison for bank robbery.
A Series of Unfortunate Events · 83 quotes
