[At "Herring Houdini", a fake restaurant run by Olaf's acting troupe]
[deadpan] Welcome to Herring Houdini, home of pickled fish.
HHHook-Handed Man
Everything here's been prepared for you!
PFPowder-Faced Woman 1
And very quickly!
PFPowder-Faced Woman 2
But not because we got a phone call five minutes ago.
HHHook-Handed Man
For the children, we offer a tour of the kitchen!
Where they'll probably not be thrown into a burlap sack.
HHHook-Handed Man
And for the adults...
BMBald Man
[appears, offering] Vodka martinis?
Which don't have any sleeping potion in them, at all.
[Jerome and Esmé, bewildered, do not initially respond.]
Mr. Squalor, we can't eat here.
O"Gunther"/Olaf
This sounds perfect, please. Yes!
I don't like to argue. I'll let my wife decide...
Esmé[composes herself] ...Vodka in a martini?
[The hook-handed and bald men nod eagerly.]
Esmé
Are we living in garbage?! [leaves in disgust, followed by Jerome and the Baudelaires. Olaf gives his troupe an annoyed look.]
PFPowder-Faced Women
[simultaneously] Isn't this a fine kettle of fish!
[At Café Salmonella]
LYLarry Your-Waiter
Hello, I'm Larry, your waiter. Welcome to Café Salmonella, the city's innest restaurant, and the only restaurant serving an all-salmon menu, including beverages and table linens! [begins handing out menus]
It's that same waiter. He's everywhere we go--
He's always trying to help us.
O"Gunther"/Olaf
[without fake accent] Larry... [resumes accent] I, ah...I think I'm feeling queasy, please, and I need to run back to pretty lady's apartment, where there is nothing hidden, by the way!
LYLarry Your-Waiter
[stops Olaf] Nonsense, sir! We've had the menu translated especially for our foreign guests.
O"Gunther"/Olaf
And what language did you have it translated into, please?
LYLarry Your-Waiter
The one you speak most fluently.
O"Gunther"/Olaf
Ah, well, well, well, I speak all of them hella fluently!
LYLarry Your-Waiter
[sits Olaf down as Olaf groans] Then there's nothing to worry about! [finishes handing out menus, then offers Jerome and Esmé two glasses of pinkish liquid] May I start you off with still or sparkling salmon-flavored water?
Esmé
[incredulous] Salmon-flavored...? [laughs] You are making my mouth water and turn pink!
How do you make your water salmon-flavored?
LYLarry Your-Waiter
We put salmon in it.
I'll have regular water, thank you.
Esmé
Nonsense! Jerome, what if someone sees you drinking it? [to Violet and Klaus] Regular water isn't in!
But it's the primary ingredient in aqueous martinis...
LYLarry Your-Waiter
I think the young people might enjoy playing along with the theme of Café Salmonella [holds up a piece of paper with "V.F.D." written on it] and its Virulently Fishy Decor!
[seeing them push all the buttons in the elevator] What are you doing, Baudelaires? If we stop on every floor, I'll never reach the roof in time to poison everyone!
JSJustice Straus
That's brilliant! If we stop on every floor, we can warn everyone!
And save all these people.
Only the ones who will believe you.
[the elevator stops at the lobby]
Fire? Olaf, you're finally thinking big.
There's no fire. The Baudelaires are trying to trick you! Whatever you do, stay where you are!
We're not lying! Can't you smell the smoke?
That's from the barbecue for the cocktail party!
Typical Olaf. Throwing a party instead of starting a fire.
And after we tried so hard to set a bad example.
You have disappointed us for the last time.
JSJustice Straus
[immaturely as elevator door closes] You're a disgrace to the legal profession!
[the elevator stops on another floor]
Argh! Klaus? You shouldn't add false reporting to your list of crimes.
VPVice Principal Nero
Next, they'll be saying Count Olaf is here!
JSJustice Straus
Count Olaf is here! There really is a fire! You have to leave!
VPVice Principal Nero
Follow me. I'm such a genius, I'll find the exit blindfolded.
It's like the blind leading the blind. [grabs an elephant statue] I've got you, sir.
[the elevator stops on another floor]
Fire? Oh, no! No, no, no!
JSJerome Squalor
I think the stairs are this way!
I think the stairs are that way!
JSJerome Squalor
I don't like to argue. Let's compromise and just stand here.
[the elevator stops on another floor]
Esmé, Carmelita, the hotel is on fire. You have to get out!
CSCarmelita Spats
Why should we listen to cakesniffers?
Esmé Squalor
She's right. You orphans are as dishonest as my ex-boyfriend.
[knowing what will happen] No, seriously, it's a big fire. I swear. Also, the sugar bowl is definitely not down in the laundry room.
Esmé Squalor
He's lying. We'll take the stairs to the laundry room and grab it ourselves! At last, the sugar bowl is mine!
A Series of Unfortunate Events · 83 quotes
