Jenna Maroney quotes from 30 Rock

Liz

How you doin'?

Jenna

There is no way that I am working with that guy. Do you know that he once got arrested for walking naked through LaGuardia?

Liz

Yeah.

Jenna

And that he once fell asleep on Ted Danson's roof?

Liz

Yeah, Tracy has mental health issues.

Jenna

He bit Dakota Fanning on the face.

Liz

When you hear his version, she was kinda askin' for it.

Excuse me, is this seat taken?

Liz

[sighs] Really, dude? I got to move my coat? There are like four empty seats over there - can't you just be cool?

Jenna

That guy wanted to buy you a drink!

Liz

Really? But I already have a drink. Do you think he'd buy me mozzarella sticks?

Jenna

Hey, I've gotta miss an hour of rehearsal today 'cause I just found out from my publicist that I've been booked on The View.

Pete

Oh, Jenna, that's great. For the first time in your life, you'll be in a room full of women and you'll be the least crazy one.

Jenna

Yeah, I know!

Liz

You've already made up your mind about this, haven't you?

Jenna

Oh, you're right, Liz! I should go for it!

Liz

You're not even listening, are you? Poop. Monkey butt.

Jenna

No, you're a good friend and thank you.

Okay, I'm Jeffrey. I am a mediator, and you two are having a dispute. Now why is that?

Jenna

Because Tracy thinks he can treat me unfairly because I'm a woman.

Tracy

What? Please, we are here because white folks think they can do whatever they want to do to black folks. It's like when Adrien Brody kissed Halle Berry at the Oscars! White people stole jazz, rock 'n roll, Will Smith, and heart disease! Now they think they can take my hard-earned money.

Tracy

Jenna, we're the most important people here, right?

Jenna

Well, of course, Tracy. We're actors. If we didn't exist how would people know who to vote for?

Kenneth

Mr. Jordan, Ms. Maroney. You wanted to see me?

Jenna

Kenneth, Tracy and I want to do something for the crew, you know, to thank them for being sick.

Tracy

We didn't know what to get them, but then I had a brain storm. It was a bad one, Jenna had to put my tongue guard in.

Jenna

But after he stabilized we decided we'd get them all hot soup.

Tracy

So... go do that.

Kenneth

Oh, all the other pages have gone home sick, I can't make any runs right now. Maybe the two of you could go get the soup.

Jenna

I don't understand.

Kenneth

Well, I'm saying you could get your wallet...

Tracy

My what?!

Kenneth

...and go downstairs to the basement...

Tracy

No!

Kenneth

...and you go to the soup place, and bring the soup back up here...

Tracy

With what? My arms?

Kenneth

...make sure to take your IDs with you.

Tracy

That'll be the worst part!

Jenna

[having an idea] I've got it!

Tracy

Give it to me! It's mine!

Liz

That's what I could do to Drew.

Jenna

Drug him? Liz, no. Having been on both sides of that, I could tell you it's not a good idea.

Liz

No, I'm going to tell Drew that I'm having a little welcome to the building party for him but there is no party and then when he shows up I'll laugh and say "oh it's the wrong night" and then he'll laugh and say one glass couldn't hurt and then I will put my mouth on his mouth!

Jenna

What is this?

Liz

Alright, Cheesy Blasters! [sings] You take a hotdog, stuff it with some jack cheese, fold it in a pizza - You got Cheesy Blasters! [spoken] And then all the kids say "Thanks, Meat Cat!" and Meat Cat flies away on his, um, skate board.

Jenna

He's evil, Tracy!

Tracy

He's evil Tracy? Oh, "He's evil" [comma], "Tracy."

Jenna

Future husband? Who did you put in your address book as "Future Husband"?

Liz

I have absolutely no idea.

Jenna

Well, whenever I find something weird in my cell phone, I can usually trace it back to last time I was drunk.

Liz

Oh my God, the dentist's office!

Jenna

Your dentist gets drunk with you, too?

Jenna

Jerem! Look how drunk I am and how full of cheese my mouth is!

That's not that much cheese.

Kenneth

A Mr. Brett 'Fav-ray' stopped by and, uh, dropped off this picture of a hot dog.

Jenna

Finally.

Kenneth

Oh, and the Chilean miners are all out, and they are very angry about what you've been saying about them.

Jenna

So I guess they're geniuses for getting stuck in a mine?

Kenneth

Also, your pharmacy called, and apparently you can't get a prescription for ecstasy.

Jenna

Ugh, thanks, Obamacare!

Jenna

What do you mean I don't have an obituary? I'm Jenna Maroney. I played Arts & Literature in the film adaptation of Trivial Pursuit.

I know who you are, Miss Maroney, but you're not on the list. They only make obits for people they think are, you know, important.

Jenna

[grabs list and reads] Like who? "Kim Jong-il?" I've never heard of her.