Jack Donaghy quotes from 30 Rock

Jack

This isn't my first rodeo, Lemon.

Liz

Well, I've been to a rodeo too. It was a cat rodeo, in a gay guy's apartment.

Mr. Donaghy! What are you doing here?

Jack

I could ask you the same thing! But it would make no sense.

The ocean is for tools.

Jack

The ocean is awesome and for winners. You're for tools!

Jack

Just get him [Tracy] back in time for the show. I have a very full plate.

Liz

Really? Is it from that pie place?

Jack

And I'm tired of going to bat for you and your show.

Liz

Oh. Ok. Fine. But just to be clear....

Jack

There is no pie!

Jack

Whatever you do, don't speak first. Ninety percent of negotiations are lost by the person who speaks first. Because what is speaking a sign of?

...weakness?

Jack

You - out. Fired.

Jack

Oh, Diana, you're here, I thought you'd be at the house.

Diana

Oh yes, I dropped my bags off and shook hands with the baby but I wanted to come talk to you about Avery's situation.

Jack

Extracting an American from North Korea is a, ah, is a lot more difficult than arranging a round robin paddle tennis tournament.

Diana

What about arranging three round robin paddle tennis tournaments?

Jack

You know what? Avery loved a good fight. She used to call the cable company to dispute our bill just for the sport of it. She wouldn't stand for this dog and pony show.

Diana

I've organized several dog and pony shows and I'm offended by what you're implying.

Jack

How are you Avery's mother?

Diana

We have several things in common, Jack. We both married much, much older men -- which can be hard, or more often flaccid.

Jack

You have no interest in helping me. You're one of them. What do you make, five figures?

Forty grand a year. But don't let the woman who is blackmailing me know that.

Jack

And the police have no interest in helping me either – despite the hundreds of dollars a year I pay in taxes!

Jack

Liddy is at a baby leadership conference this week. The timing is perfect.

Tracy

I know what you're doing. The first time I got mugged I didn't leave my room for a week. I hid. But not in a tuxedo. All I had was a Chewbacca costume made out of used hair extensions. It made me feel invincible. Like someone who wouldn't get scared and freeze up when they got mugged.

Young Tracy

Perfectly executed Chewbacca sound!

Jack

The UN is useless, the State Department is full of Democrats, and as it turns out Amnesty International is nothing but a company that makes and sells candles...

Liz

That explains all the vigils!

Jack

You really are an extraordinary young man Kenneth. No matter what happens you always keep your chin up.

Kenneth

Medically it's a neck ridge.

Jack

You stay positive, you always believe that everything is going to work out! How do you do it?

Kenneth

Well, I'll tell you my secret, sir! [He leans in] I lie to myself. Every morning when I wake up, I say, "everything's going to be okay" but I'm lying! [Jack tries to stand, but Kenneth holds him in place] And I don't know how much longer I can do it. [he emits a pained squeal] Have a swell night, sir!

Jack

You don't need my advice.

Liz

But I still want it.