That little man disrespect me. He-He insult my food, my English, my "hyjane."
MaxIs there anything I can do to cheer you up?
Max
If I hug you, will you go back to work?
Max
Two-second hug. I'm going in.
[Max and Oleg hug, Caroline comes into the kitchen]
[Max and Oleg pull away; Max's yellow shirt zipper is pulled down revealing her cleavage]
[Caroline points to Max's shirt revealing what had happened]
Max
[to Oleg, in shock] Whoa! How did you do that? Your hands never left my back!
I am like David Blaine of zippers.
Max
[annoyed] I was trying to cheer you up.
[Caroline is at the counter]
[Max walks in the apartment]
Max
Hey. What's that smell?
Max
You lit the pilot light?
[Caroline gestures to the new stove; Max is shocked]
Max
No way! The BlueStar in purple! What the-? How could you afford that? You sold your TAT?
Sold them all. Spent it on the oven, next-day delivery fee, and installation.
Max
That woman gave you a better price?
No, she pulled a gun on me. So I went to every gold store in Brooklyn, leveraged their offers against each other, until I got enough to buy the BlueStar.
Max
You didn't have to do that.
After what I did, there were no more words, only ovens. And our future means more to me than rings from my past. I told you; I'm in this for the long haul. And for the record, I hated lunch with those girls. I'd rather split a Kit-Kat in a bathroom with you any day.
Max
I'm sorry, I wasn't listening. I was staring at my new boyfriend over there. I wanna make out with it! [excitedly runs over to the new oven] Ha, ha. Mmm.
Max
[kisses the oven, burning her lips in the process] Ow, hot.
[the oven dings]
Max
[in amazement] There is not a ding!
There's a ding. My rings bought a ding. You wanna hug me, don't you?
Max
Yeah.
Max
Yes, I am. But if you unzip my shirt, I'm gonna be pissed! Impressed but pissed.
[Caroline and Max hug]
Max
We just need to grab ten boxes of Duncan Hines cake mix and we're done.
Why would we need to do that?
Max
Why do you think? To make the cupcakes.
I thought the cupcakes were homemade.
Max
They are, I make them in my home.
You've been using a boxed cake mix?
Max
Relax, I only use it when I'm tired. And I add a secret ingredient of my own to the mix that makes them irresistible.
So you have no shame using the store-bought mix?
Max
I've no shame about anything. Shame is overrated like Ke$ha. In fact, they should rename shame "keshame." "I just bought a Ke$ha album, I'm so keshamed."
TTanya
[in a Jamaican accent] All right now, your total is $70.49.
Wow, that seems like a lot.
TTanya
I don't make the prices, now do I?
No, I was just commenting.
TTanya
Well, it's not CNN, now is it?
Max
[pulls out a few coupons] Here, give her the coupons.
Max
Yeah, here.
Max, you use coupons? I had no idea.
Max
You're looking at me like I'm on To Catch a Predator.
We don't need to use those, I have my tip money right here.
Max
What are you talking about, I have coupons. Here, take them. [Hands Caroline the coupons]
[tries to give Tanya the coupons] I— I have— [turns back to Max] I can't, I don't want to. I've fallen so far, I can't fall any further. Don't make me.
Max
There's no need to go down a keshame spiral. [takes Caroline's hand with the coupons and puts it out to Tanya] Hi, she has coupons.
TTanya
Oh, now you tell me you have coupons? Should have told me before, now shouldn't ya?
I didn't wanna tell you at all, she made me. [turns to Max, imitating Tanya's accent] Now didn't ya?
Max
Look, it's not a big deal. Lots of people use coupons.
Max
Poor people, yes. Like us. People who stand at the cash register and say things like, "Wow, $70? That seems like a lot."
[Tanya scans all the coupons]
TTanya
Your new total is $12.70.
Wait. It just went from $70 to $12 just like that? The same food for less money? The exact same food? How is that even possible?
TTanya
You used coupons, now didn't ya?
[In the diner, after Sophie asked if the girls would consider working for her and then excused herself from the table for a moment]
I can't believe she would actually consider asking us to be prostitutes.
Max
I know. I mean, me, I get, but you, I don't see it. You heard the guy, I look like I could "take a lot." [referring to a comment from one of the diner's waiters]
Max, it's not funny. Isn't it bad enough I may have gotten herpes from her Chanel gloss?
Max
Of course we're not gonna do it, but come on, you'd be a terrible hooker.
Thank you, I would be a terrible hooker. I have a heart, and soul, and dreams, and wanna fall in love and have a family.
Max
Oh, just say it, you're bad in bed.
[comes out of the kitchen after learning Sophie was at the diner] Kitchen was closed... But can now be open again for such a beautiful woman. Hello. I am the chef.
Max
Oh, here we go. Ukraine's gonna try to invade Poland. It's double D-Day.
Oleg, this is our neighbor, Sophie.
I would like to have a plate with sausage on it while I look over the menu.
Yowza. You are like someone super-sized Victoria's Secret angel. I'd like to Gisele on your Bündchens.
[hits Oleg in the crotch with a magazine] You're gonna act like a dog, I'll treat you like a dog.
I would like to hire you to clean my house.
Oh, yeah, this is possible. I will send girl. What is your address?
I don't want some girl. I want you to come clean.
Oh, you cannot get me to come.
Oh, I can get you to come.
No, I can no longer come anymore. No, Max and Caroline can come.
MCMax and Caroline
No, no, no, no, we're not coming.
So no one can get you to come?
Well, some people can get me to come... Just not you.
Hard to get... I like it.
Max
You realized I replaced that Purell with K-Y, right?
Max, please say you're kidding.
Max
Of course I'm kidding. I can't afford lube. I just use my tears.
Max, seriously, don't mess with my hand sanitizer. I've already caught poverty this year and I refuse to catch the flu.
[to Esther Rachael] I'm so happy to be in your warm and wonderful home. I was very close to my neighbors, the Kleins. In fact, they called me their honorary Jew.
Max
Stop now. This is like when you tell Earl you're practically black. We'll just get our money and go.
EREsther Rachael
Take our money and go? What are we, barbarians? Stay and celebrate a little! But, out here in the kitchen, away from the men. Sit, eat, come!
Max
Three of my favorite things to do!
Max
Dude, you and the webmaster have been talking "business" every day for a week. Is something going on there? Shouldn't the web be mastered by now?
Max
All right, but it's costing us $200. Might as well get something out of it. Maybe let him browse your Yahoo? Looks like he might have a big ol' hard drive with a lot of RAM.
Yeah, he's cute, but I don't want a relationship right now. And I don't do one-night stands.
Max
All right, so don't stand. Lay down.
That's not me—the next morning, doing the walk of shame. I always see those girls with their messed-up sex hair, carrying their heels, clutching their coats to hide last night's outfit.
Max
Going into Kinko's to use Google Maps so you can figure out where you are.
You really put the "ho" in "Kinko."
[At the prison, after Max offered to be searched by a guard so that Caroline could visit her father]
I'm so excited to see my father after all this time. How do I look?
Max
You look good. How do I look? Do I still have that freshly felt-up glow?
Well, that ginger over there thinks you look good. He's full-on staring at you.
Max
Well, I should hope so. If you can't get a dude in prison to check you out, it's time for a makeover.
[after someone knocks on the door] It's 3:00 a.m. Who would be coming over now?
Max
I don't know, my dealer, my other dealer? That guy who always asks if I know where my dealer is?
[Caroline turns around with a shocked look on her face after looking through the peephole]
Max
Who is it?
You can't handle what's on the other side of that door.
Max
Yesterday, I saw a guy on a stoop frenching his cat. I can handle anything.
[opens the door] Oleg, what are you doing here? And you put the "oh, no" in kimono.
Your upstairs neighbor Sophie is allowing me to have sex with her. And I came down to borrow some sensual oils. Preferably, ones that you can eat.
Max
[to Steve and Michael, a gay couple] I'll go grab some menus for you girls.
Max
Sorry. I'll go grab some menus for you ladies. [walks away]
MMichael
Love her... So Madeleine Stowe in Revenge.
MMichael
We love it. It's all about a young blonde woman who's out to seek revenge on everyone for destroying her family.
2 Broke Girls · 189 quotes
