Max Black quotes from 2 Broke Girls

Caroline

Mr. Hutchinson, this is my friend, Max. Max, this is Leo Hutchinson, one of my father's attorneys.

Max

Oh, I've never known a lawyer who wasn't court-appointed for me. Well, except for the ones on Law & Order. Have you ever been on that show?

No, I'm a real lawyer.

Max

You look like someone who was on that show. Are you sure you didn't represent the woman who ate her child?

I've never represented anyone who ate their child... on Law & Order. Caroline, I'm sorry to drag you into this, but the prosecutor is asking for you to give a deposition regarding your father's case.

Max

Anything I can do to help? I'm pretty courtroom savvy. I mean, I haven't seen every episode of Law & Order, just, like, 400 of them.

Max

Anal leakage. [Caroline looks shocked] The grande dame of side effects. [the nurse gives each a small plastic cup with a drug inside] Well, bottoms up.

Caroline

Max, don't say that after "anal leakage."

Caroline

Max. Do you have any gum? My breath tastes like someone else's breath.

Max

You're asking me if I have any gum? That's like asking New Jersey if it has any sluts.

Caroline

Great. There were onions in my street meat. Listen to me. "Onions in my street meat." Last year, I was taking meetings on Wall Street. This year, I'm eating meat from the street by a wall.

Max

[searching her purse] Let's see. Phone, chapstick. A pill! Could be birth control, could be ecstasy. Waiting for a day off to find out. Why wait? [takes pill] If I start touching your hair in an hour, don't let me have sex with anyone.

Caroline

Before I forget, I printed up more of our cupcake business cards so we can hand them out tomorrow at the Williamsburg crafts fair.

Max

Ooh, can't wait. Me and you handing out free cupcakes, stuck between hipsters selling crochet iPad sleeves and Salt-n-Pepa salt and pepper shakers.

Caroline

We're not just giving them away for free. It's marketing. One person eats it and spreads it around to their friends.

Max

So we're herpes.

Caroline

I made a call to a connection I know and got us a real cupcake job. And it's in Manhattan. It's the first birthday party for the son of a socialite. 60 cupcakes with buttercream frosting. Up top!

Max

[surprised] Buttercream?

Caroline

This is not the response I was expecting from my business partner. I was expecting, "Wooo! Awesome job! Thumbs up, buddy!"

Max

Why? Is your business partner on a show on Nickelodeon? Look, I don't do buttercream. Buttercream is a bitch. If it doesn't stay refrigerated, it falls apart as fast as a two-celebrity marriage.

Max

[notices an odd-looking man typing on an old typewriter and approaches him] Wow! Bummer, dude. You have a time machine and somehow it got programmed to this crap diner?

I must admit, I am quite taken with steampunk.

Max

Oh, steampunk! Right, I remember that trend. It happened for, like, ten seconds back in 2000-and-are-you-kidding-me? Dude, seriously, you're sitting in a public place tap-tap-tapping on an oldie typewriter? What are you? In The League of Extraordinarily Pretentious Gentlemen?

Aren't you being a little aggressive?

Max

Yup. That's how people are here in the present where we live. But don't get me wrong, I'd like to go back in time, too. Maybe stop 9/11 or that creep who had sex on my shoe, but I can't.

Present? Where's that uniform from? Like, 1998?

Max

Oh, stop, or I'm gonna have to shoot you with a Smith & Wesson I'm currently packing in my bloomers.

Caroline

[after Sophie finds an invitation to the Metropolitan Museum's annual gala in Caroline's hate mail] This is my favorite social event in all of New York. I've gone every year since I was 18. It's a fashion ball at the Museum of Art—

Max

Yeah, I know what it is. I catered it last year.

Caroline

Max, how weird. We were probably right in the very same room.

Max

Then there's a good chance I spit in your drink. Not really, unless you were acting all prissy and demanding.

There's a good chance I spit in your drink.

Caroline

What are we gonna do with our dresses? We can't leave them out here. I need them inside. I have to look amazing when I meet Martha Stewart.

Max

What does it matter what we're wearing? We're still gonna be the two crazy girls chasing her down with a cupcake.

Caroline

That's why it matters.

Max

[spots a big steel box] Oh, ooh! I know. Here. Help me get the shelves out of this. We can hang our dresses in here and push them in.

Caroline

Brilliant. Kind of like the Louis Vuitton travel wardrobe I used to have.

Max

Or the service elevator I was born in.

Caroline

[while on the phone] My father wants to know if you'll come out to the prison and finally meet him.

Max

Sure.

Caroline

Great. We'll see you tomorrow. Bye. [hangs up]

Max

I'm not going.

Caroline

What? Why'd you say yes?

Max

'Cause you never tell a man in prison "no," he could hang himself with his belt.

Max

[receiving a catalog at the Channing estate auction] Actually, I need two: One for me, and one for my friend... [Caroline walks in wearing a brunette wig] Zooey Deschanel. What? You look like her.

Caroline

Everybody does. It's the least expensive look you can do and still get laid.

Max

[after hearing a group of hipster girls using the word "vagina"] Well, it's over. I can't say it anymore. The vagina's gone mainstream. What's next? A clothing line at Target?

Caroline

Aw, Max, I'm sorry. It's your favorite word.

Max

And my favorite body part. But now everyone's saying it.

Caroline

Well, we can pick another word for it. Something cute, like cookie.

Max

Yeah, it sounds like a good idea until you walk past a bunch of Girl Scouts selling their cookies on the street.

Caroline

Max, have you seen my phone? I wanna take a picture of this bad tip and put it on Instagram. Getting loose change used to be so depressing, but now I can share it with strangers.

Max

Let me sum it up: Twitter is stupid, and Instagram is Twitter for people who can't read.

Caroline

I don't like this movie, it's violence against women. Let's go see that Katherine Heigl rom-com sequel.

Max

Talk about violence against women.

Caroline

You said you'd take a bullet for me. You'd never take a bullet for me.

Max

Probably not, no one ever takes a bullet. It's just something people say that they don't mean, like "How was your day?" or "We'll stop if it hurts."

Caroline

We're gonna be great. We got this, girl.

Max

Okay, stop. On every reality show, people say lame things that we can never say. No fist bumping, no high fives. You can't tell me to "bring it," "shut it down," or "put our cupcake business on the map." You can't tell me to "go, girl" or "bring my A game," and we don't "got this." Cool?

Caroline

Cool. But we do got this, right?

Max

Yeah, we got this.