Max Black quotes from 2 Broke Girls

Max

Come on, Chestnut, go poo-poo near the hipsters. Hey, how cool would it be if we could get Chess to go poo on a hipster?

Caroline

How can all of those people have $75 just to dance at a laundromat? I've been doing my roots with white-out.

Max

Hipsters in Williamsburg will pay for anything if it makes them feel like they're in on something new no one else knows about. All you need's a gimmick.

Caroline

So, tell me, did you give Peach the card?

Max

No, I didn't.

Caroline

Why?

Max

It was like my mouth wouldn't let me do it.

Caroline

That's crazy. What's so hard about going up to Peach and saying, "Good afternoon, Peach. Exciting news... I started a cupcake business. Here's our card. Please pass them out to all your friends and help us launch our exciting new business venture. Thank you."

Max

That sounds needy, like when someone asks you to come to their one-woman show. "Somebody date-raped me, and I didn't think I'd live through it, but I did, and now I'm stronger, and, uh, still needy."

Max

Call him right now! He can't come over here. Look around! I have his napkins hanging up everywhere. He'll think I'm Dexter. [intercom buzzes] Don't answer that. Don't you...

Caroline

[answering intercom] Come on in, Johnny. Yes, I did it. I need a bed.

Max

You are so selfish!

Caroline

Yes, I'm selfish, and you're Dexter. So, quick... help me take down the napkins. Oh, God, there are so many! How come I never noticed how many there were before?

Max

I don't know. Same reason you didn't notice your father stealing everybody's money?

Caroline

Really? Really? Now when I'm helping you?

Max

You're right. We'll trash you later.

Caroline

I have a surprise. I redecorated my room. I scoped out some cheap fabric in bedding places down on Houston Street. What do you think? [pulls down her Murphy bed]

Max

I think you've made a vagina.

Caroline

What?

Max

Sister, you may think that sex is the last thing on your mind, but you turned your bed into a vagina.

Caroline

Do you think my vagina has curtains?

Max

I don't know how long it's been.

Caroline

I'm tired. I'm going to bed.

Max

Okay, but I still have to make the cupcakes to bring by that place tomorrow. I don't wanna keep you awake, so why don't you sleep in my bed tonight and I'll pass out on your vagina?

Caroline

Okay, but you better buy me breakfast in the morning.

All right, let's go around and introduce ourselves and tell us why you came tonight. Let's start with the cute guys.

Always!

I'm Steve, I thought this would be a fun idea for my bachelor party. I'm getting married to Michael... right there.

So cute. God bless!

And I'm Michael.

I'm Michael as well.

Michael.

Oh... So many Michaels. [turns to Max] And you are?

Max

Michael. No, I'm Max.

Oleg

Pick up. Table 10, table 12, table six...tee9.

Caroline

Oleg, there is no table 69.

Oleg

There could be.

Caroline

Oleg just sixty-nined me, and now I don't remember any of the table numbers.

Max

Look, he's never gonna stop sixty-nining us. Forget the table numbers. Here's how you remember your orders. You just give people nicknames. Look, I got Thin Cee Lo, Fat Rihanna, Jon Beret Ramsey, and Kristen Bad Wig.

Caroline

Oh, okay. I got Seth Rogaine, Child Molester Moustache, and Lesbian Justin Bieber.

Max

[to Oleg and Han] What are you staring at? It's just clothes.

Oleg

Max, you look like a lady. Tonight when I dream of having sex with you, as always, this time I will ask you to stay.

Caroline

Max, you look perfect for your date.

Max

It's not a date.

Caroline

It is.

Han

No, it's not. It's booty call.

Max

There is a fresh, white billboard. I'm climbing it with my friend, and we're putting up his artwork.

Han

Booty call on billboard. If it's after 2:30, call is for the dirty.

Max

What's that from? Dr. Seuss' Oh, the Places You'll Put It In?

Caroline

You'll never guess who just came into the restaurant. You'll be very happy.

Max

Gary, the fat guy from Teen Mom?

Caroline

Someone you like, someone you want to kiss, someone you're hot for.

Max

Tyler, the skinny guy from Teen Mom?

Max

I kissed Johnny.

Caroline

What? When?

Max

He came by the apartment right after you left.

Caroline

I was only gone 20 minutes. What'd you do, shine a bat symbol on your vagina?

Caroline

You're lucky I edited your application.

Max

Why, what was so bad?

Caroline

You requested to work in Santa's sex toy shop. Max, that's not even a thing.

Max

Tell that to my candy-cane-shaped vibrator.

Caroline

Max!

Max

I call it "Santa's big helper."

Max

It'll be a miracle on 34th Street if we make it out of the bottom of this slave ship without elf scurvy.

Hi. I couldn't help but overhear you mention Miracle on 34th Street. That's my absolute favorite Christmas movie.

Caroline

Mine too!

My second favorite is It's a Wonderful Life.

Caroline

Mine too!

Max

I've got Schindler's List on Blu-ray.

Hi. I'm Mary.

Caroline

I'm Caroline.

[turns to Max] Hi. I'm Mary.

Max

It's cool, we don't need to talk.

Han

Look, two parties of cool hipsters are sitting at tables near wall. [referring to a group of four hipsters sitting next to two homeless men]

Max

You think those are six hipsters? Okay, let's go over this one more time. Hipster or homeless pop quiz, ready?

Han

Ready.

Max

Hipsters wear?

Han

Skinny jeans.

Max

Homeless wear?

Han

Dirty jeans.

Max

Hipsters listen to?

Han

Radiohead.

Max

Homeless listen to?

Han

The voices in their head.

Max

Hipsters have?

Han

Beard and a blog.

Max

Homeless have?

Han

Beard and so much sadness. I see sadness, there and there.

Max

I'll handle this. [walks toward the group of hipsters] I told you before, I don't want your kind in here. Take a trendy hike. Better step it up. The Apple Store closes at ten.

Han

Max, why did you kick out the hipsters?

Max

'Cause I could not be in the background of another Instagram photo.

Max

Oleg, take a picture of your junk on this customer's camera.

Oleg

Done.

Max

Aren't you gonna ask why?

Oleg

No need.

Caroline

I just saw Oleg's...

Max

Yeah, that might have been my fault. Kind of a shock seeing it for the first time.

Han

Don't forget to pick up customer comment card. Customers very important. It's all about the fans.

Max

Yeah, I'm not a fan of hearing what people have to say. For instance, what's happening right now—not a fan.

Han

Max, feedback from customers is very important business tool. Perhaps we'll pump the brakes on sour waitress attitude.

Max

There's only one tool that can change my 'tude, but I'm gonna need two AA batteries and a 20-minute break.

[dissing Caroline] And so sorry to hear about your father being a criminal and you being penniless and all that ugliness. But it is kinda karma. You are where you are now, and I'm back on top.

Max

Look, Jeffrey, I know we just met, but there's no way you're a top.