Jerry Russo quotes from Wizards of Waverly Place

Theresa

Let's find Alex and get out of here.

Jerry

Right, and before she figures out that there's a school on board.

Alex

Did you guys know that there's a school on board?

Jerry

Not until you apologize for almost biting my daughter's neck and turning her into a vampire for all of eternity!

Alright, alright, we're sorry! Why don't we smooth it over with a little bit of ice cream?

Jerry

Really? You're about to turn our daughter into a vampire, and you think you can just "smooth it over" with some ice cream?

So you don't want the ice cream?

Jerry

No, we want the ice cream.

Theresa

Jerry!

Jerry

Um...and I think we need more of an apology.

Unlimited toppings?

Jerry

I accept your apology. I'll take mine in a cup.

Alex

Dad! They were just about to eat our blood!

Jerry

That's right! This is unacceptable! Harper was going to be the one to take care of us in our old age!

Harper

(quietly) Yes!

Alright! I'll make dinner, too! Who's up for some really rare steaks?

Justin

Hi, dad. You must have noticed how down I was and wanted to come talk.

Jerry

No, we need the table.

Justin

[Referring to their aunt] Well we're gonna have to find a way to get her back here so she can retake the test!

Jerry

Well, the problem is nobody knows where she is!

Justin

Well we're gonna have to find her then!

Max

[Stands up] I have a magnifying glass, will that help?

Justin

[Looks to his dad than back] She's not tiny!

Max

You said she was an ant!

Jerry

Okay, are you ready for your word, Max-

Max

[interrupts] Max! M-A-C-K-S. Max.

Jerry

Th-that isn't your word that's your name...and you misspelled it!

Max

[shakes head] I should've asked for a definition.

Jerry

Your word is.....hippopotomonstrosesquip­pedalio­phobia.

Could you use it in a sentence?

Jerry

Hippopotomonstrosesquippedali­o­phobia is an annoying word, and I'm not gonna say it again.

Jerry

THAT'S the sentence.

Justin

Mason. Alex doesn't want to see you, and not to gloat, but I know Juliet doesn't.

Mason

I came to fix things.

Theresa

(whispers to Justin) Make him write down what he wants to say to her. That accent of his gives him an unfair advantage.

Mason

Alex. I didn't mean what I said earlier. I was in shock from seeing Juliet but I wanna be with you.

Alex

Really?

Mason

Yes, I do.

Alex

Mason, look. I've been in shock before, too.. like, when I accidentally made my brother disappear.. or I accidentally made my parents not know who I was.. or I accidentally got trapped in a horror film.. or I accidentally-

Theresa

Honey.. honey, we know.. you've messed up a a lot.

Alex

Yes. But still, I've never accidentally told someone I love them, when I didn't.

Mason

Alex, I know it's hard to believe, but if you just let me explain-

Alex

I think you've said enough.

Jerry

You have to go now, Mister.

Mason

Yes, sir. I'll, be on my way, then. And I'll regret my mistake, for the rest of my life..

Max

Alex went to Pennsylvania!

Jerry

The Keystone State!

Justin

Are you sure she didn't say Transylvania?

Max

I don't know. Say 'Pennsylvania' with a British accent.

Justin

(in normal voice) Transylvania.

Max

That was it.

Max

[comes home] I did it. I told Nancy the truth.

Jerry

We're proud of you Max.

Theresa

Isn't it easier telling the truth, honey?

Max

I'm so relieved that I told her I'm a wizard.

[do a spit take]

[look at Max] YOU WHAT?!?!

Theresa

Max! When I told you to tell the truth to Nancy I meant to her the truth about being a Russo, not about being a wizard!

Max

You wanted me to tell her the truth but not the whole truth? This truth thing is confusing, mom. To tell you the truth.

Alex

Yeah, I mean you tell the truth you get in trouble. You lie you get in trouble. We're probably just better off not talking to each other.

Jerry

What did Nancy say when you told her?

Max

She didn't believe me.

Jerry

Max, you really need to work on how you give information when you tell a story. I mean, if I had a ketchup bottle when you said you told her, I would have squeezed it and ketchup would have been flying everywhere.

Jerry

Harper please hand me the ketchup. [Harper gives Jerry the ketchup]

Max

But then I took her on a magic carpet ride and she totally believed me.

Jerry

Ahhh! (squeezes the ketchup bottle)

Theresa

[opens her mouth]

[examining the fringe on his jacket] When cowboys used to get really, really hungry, they ate these things, right here.

Jerry

No, the other thing.

Chanting makes it important.

Jerry

No, the other thing.

[points at his jeans] I bought these jeans pre-ripped. [walks away]

Alex

It's fun, right?

[opens terrace door] Ah! Sunshine!

Jerry

(to Alex) Why is there a chicken on the terrace?

Alex

Uh well off the record, the chicken is gonna lay an egg that's gonna tell us who's gonna win the wizard competition. Now on the record, I don't- what chicken?

Max

Woah. Did the magic chicken move all the furniture around?

What?

Justin

Uh, Max calls Dad Magic Chicken.

Jerry

Right. And I call him (pointedly) Boy Who Should Stop Talking.

Max

Hey, magic chicken!

Jerry, your son's calling you.

Jerry

What? Oh, uh, right, uh, we do love our nicknames in this family, (to Alex) don't we, What Should We Do Now?

Alex

Yep, yep that's my nickname!

Justin

My nickname is, I'm Sorry Mom and Remember I'm the Good One Usually the Victim.

Kinda long isn't it?

Justin

I brought a...hamburger. (Max takes it out of his hands and starts eating it)

Alex

They gave Justin a hamburger, he must have rolled over! What did you tell them?!

Jerry

Did you tell them we're you-know-whats?!?! (Justin nods. Alex and Jerry gasp in shock)

Theresa

Did they let you use the bathroom? WAS IT WORTH IT?

Alex

[on Mason's back and jumps off] Whew, we're back. Hm, long walk!

Mason

[breathing heavily] Yep! For some of us it was!

Alex

Excuse me! My arms are tired from hanging on and trying to steer. Your ears are really tiny but really cute. [smiles]

Mason

[smiles and rubs his ear]

Justin

While we were stuck in that government facility I was afraid I would never see Waverly Place again. I missed you. [kisses the ground] There was definitely a horse parade here recently.

Jerry

[exhausted] I must have lost thirty pounds on that walk. Do you know how long it's going to take me to gain them back?

Justin

Why is the Sub Station all boarded up?

Theresa

Oh gosh. I gotta get in there! I wanna take a bath without someone yelling at me, "Hey lady, get out of my pool!" [bangs on the door]

Harper

Go away government agents! I have a soda gun and its loaded with root beer!

Jerry

Harper, it's us! We escaped from the government guys!

Harper

I'm not falling for that! The real Russos are too lame to escape from anywhere.

Alex

Harper!!! [bangs on the door] Open up!! We'd flash in there but we don't have our powers. We only got back by hitching rides, taking buses, and a lot of walking.

Mason

[whips his head to her] YOU DIDN'T WALK AT ALL!!! YOU HAD ME CARRY YOU LIKE A CAMEL!!! [smiles] Love.

Harper

Too lazy to walk? Oh Alex it really is you! All right, hold on. I'll let you in. I just have to dismantle a bunch of booby traps I set up to protect myself.

Harper

Hi guys.

Theresa

[walks into the Sub Station] It's so good to be home! [gets hit by one of the traps] AH! [falls down and is unconscious]

Harper

Oops. I forgot to get rid of that one.

Theresa

You think they'd want anything to do with us anymore? You guys don't even have your powers. You're nothing without them. Nothing. (puts the ice pack on her face)

Justin

Guys come on. There's something wrong with the portal.

Justin

I can't contact anybody in the Wizard World. I've tried WizCom, WizPhone, WizText, and just straight up yelling into the thing. (opens portal door) Hello! Are you listening?

Mason

Nothing but a WizEcho.

Alex

(snorts) It's just a regular echo, Mason. We don't put "wiz" in front of everything.

Jerry

Look! The Wizmergency Wizlight is on! That means the powers are still down. Oh no, the government must have captured everyone.

Alex

This is bad. That means they still have Professor Crumbs too. (goes in the restaurant kitchen and picks up the phone) Hello? I'd like to speak with the officer in charge.

Jerry

What are you doing?

Alex

I'm calling the police. We have to do something to save the Wizard World. Hello officer yes I'd like to report-

Justin

(grabs phone) That you are doing a great job. Yep. Keep it up. Love ya! (hangs up phone) Alex! What were you gonna tell them?

Alex

(trying not to laugh) Not that I love them.

Justin

People don't hear it enough. Alex, you know you can't reveal magic.

Max

Even I know that. That's why I just make people think I'm dumb. So if I slip up they'd figure, "Ah the kid's an idiot." I slip up all the time so...who's dumb now?

Jerry

Alex, you can't call the police. We just need to lay low for awhile until this blows over and do nothing.

Alex

The wizard world is captured and you want us to do nothing? Fine. (goes upstairs)

Theresa

The one time we ask the laziest girl on Earth to do nothing, she wants to do something!

Mason

I'm just happy she didn't ask me to carry her up the stairs.