Will Truman quotes from Will & Grace

Add four cups of cooking oil. Will, for you, that's two. Now, add two cups of chicken stock. Will, for you, that's one. Add a tablespoon of salt. Will, for you...

Will

[exasperated] Let me guess, half?

No, go ahead and use the whole thing. You're alone - you might as well bloat.

Grace

I knew the minute you said that to Jack, you were doing the wrong thing, but I was helpless to stop you.

Will

You hopped on board. You made the final sale.

Grace

You hypnotized me with your Svengali-like powers.

Will

And yet I can't get you to stop biting your toenails.

Grace

How else do you get them shorter?

You're such a good kisser! You kiss like a girl!

Will

I throw like one, too.

Karen

So has Grace met your new fella?

Will

Not yet.

Karen

Then how do you know if you like him?

Will

And never forget, dreams are like feathers: If you have enough, you can fly.

Nurse Sheila

Wow. Maybe I will get back into porn.

Grace

You know, the old Grace would have done this [smacks her hand onto Jack's forehead.] But now, I just have this new serenity thanks to Mr. Kabbalah.

Will

He's not a person! He's not like Mr. Peanut.

Jack

Uh, Mr. Peanut is not a person, Will.

Karen

He's a legume.

Will

She doesn't want to talk to you, dude.

Leo

"Dude"?

Will

I get pretty straight when I'm angry.

Grace

You and Vince are so lucky. You'll never know the pain of divorce.

Will

Well, that's because we're legally barred from the joy of marriage.

Vince

You know, this is a relationship. If a crew member goes overboard, the ship sinks.

Will

No it doesn't. That's a terrible metaphor.

Vince

You're a terrible metaphor!

Will

That's a comeback?

Vince

You're a comeback!

Will

[about Ned] What's wrong with being nice to him? He's our neighbor!

Grace

Will, follow the logic. First we're nice to him, then suddenly we're picking up his newspaper, then we're watering his plants. The next thing you know, there's a fire in the building and we're the ones who have to make sure he got out okay. I'd rather find out on the evening news, thank you.

Will

Oy, the gym is so far! It's such a schlep!

Grace

You go, goyim.

Will

I figured since you're practically a gay man, I should become a little Jewish.

Jack

I have very fondled memories of this place!

Will

You mean "fond".

Jack

That, too.

Jack

My boss is on my case. He says I've got to have a more professional relationship with my secretary, or else I have to fire her. He gave me an old tomato.

Will

"Old tomato?"

Jack

Yeah, when you have to do one thing or the other? You have to eat it or throw it. Old tomato.

Will

Oh, I see. I was confused, 'cause you know, I pronounce it "old tomahto".

Grace

I love the local news. So uplifting. Those two old farmers lost everything in the fire, and yet they still managed to persevere.

Will

Grace, you have to pay attention. The crystal meth lab in their barn exploded.

Grace

Still, we should send money.

Will

Now, Karen, before this reporter comes, remember that since Stan died, you are the face of Walker Inc. And, unlike the previous face, yours isn't covered in pudding. You need to take this interview seriously.

Karen

Relax, I'm great with reporters. Ever since I leaked a little information to Woodward and Bernstein, I've had them eating out of the palm of my hand.

Will

Do you really expect me to believe that you were Deep Throat?

Karen

Only to one of them.