Chief quotes from Where in the World Is Carmen Sandiego?

Chief

Gumshoes, Carmen Sandiego and her troop of troublesome tricksters have tried it again. This time, they crashed the Caribbean. Throughout most of the Caribbean and South America, the ancient tradition of Carnival is alive and well. The practice goes back to early days of Christianity. Just before the solemn season of Lent, everyone gets together and has one last big party. One of the best places to see the celebration of color, costume, and calypso is in Trinidad and Tobago. The people of this island nation take their fun seriously. Plans for next year's bash start almost as soon as this year's rebels have finished and all that planning and perspiration pays off in a two-day panoramic display of joy, imagination, and artistry. Or it did until Double Trouble, those pernicious party pouncers, dove into the festival and drove off with it. Gumshoes, your mission is to do in those double negatives, cruise the Carnival back to Trinidad and Tobago, and then catch Carmen Sandiego.

Dance all night and eat all day. Say no more, we're on our way!

Zip that infernal chatter!

Mrs. Pumpkinclanger obviously has a bee in her bonnet. Gotta go talk to her again. Sorry, are we buggin' you again, Ms. P?

Again?! Try "constantly"! Those terrible twins are in a festival for the birthday of the monkey god. On a small island of the tip of the Melee Peninsula. It's quite a scene. Chinese mystics who claim to be possessed by the monkey god filling good trans and pills there tongues and teeth would spill. It's all good clean fun and everyone enjoys themselves. Now, go apprehend that dreadful duo, and leave me in peace! Please!

Okay. Often wonder what Mr. Pumpkinclanger's life must be like. Haven't you?

Chief

Gumshoes, Carmen Sandiego's gang of goons have glommed again. This time, it happened in our nation's capital, Washington, D.C. The Supreme Court is the highest level of the judicial branch of government for the United States. It has final say in matters of constitutional law. The court includes a Chief Justice and eight Associate Justices. They're appointed by the president, confirmed by the Senate, and served until they decide to retire. Now since they don't run for office, they can make decisions without worrying about what voters might think. But yesterday, in an attempt to impress her social studies teacher, Patty Larceny swiped the court, Justices and all. This brazen bib for brownie points must not go unpunished. Your mission: put Patty in the pin, save the Supremes, and then catch Carmen Sandiego.

It's now time for our second clue. So, listen very closely. This one comes in now-- We turn to a gal who is presently choreographing Madonna's next world tour. Nana Rap, whatcha got for us?

Word to the gumshoes, Gregmeister. Let's rock the house! (rock music plays)

Nana Rap, ladies and gentlemen!

Convene that court and move out fast. Head for a nation where King Hammurabi once ruled.

Sure, Carmen. That was part of ancient Mesopotamia. It's where they created writing, and... and the wheel, and the 60-minute hour, and...

And unfortunately for us, Patty, they created one of the first systems of law. Its main principle was the strong shall not injure the weak. Ha! Can you imagine?

Gee, Carmen, how did you ever learn so much about the law?

I make it a point to know my enemies.

Rat, that Yeti is drawing too much attention. Head for the Atlantic Coast of the United States. Hide out in Grover's Mill, a small town east of Princeton.

Aw, don't send me to the states, Carmen.

You'll like it. The place is famous for a big media hoax. It happened on Halloween Eve in 1938. People were listening to their radios when they heard a report that space creatures were invading near Grover's Mill.

Gee, I didn't know Kneemoi hung out in the Garden State.

It wasn't Kneemoi. It was a radio drama, but lots of people thought it was true and panicked.

Geez, if I could get that kind of attention, just think. Newspapers, magazines, CNN--

FBI, criminal court, jail.

Yeah. Yeah. I'll stay outta sight.

Tahare, we're gonna start with you. You have 75 crime bucks. How much did you risk?

(reveals his wager) I risked 50.

50 crime bucks. What'd ya say?

(reveals his answer) I said the Aegean Sea.

Sorry. It is not the Aegean Sea.

(sings to the tune of "Puff the Magic Dragon") Puff the Magic Yeti!

Chief

The is Lynne Thigpen speaking for "Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego" and remember, stealing never grants your wishes. You end up washing jailhouse dishes. (Due to a factual error in this game, Tahare Campbell has been invited to play a new game in our next season.)

Chief

And this is Patty Larceny, Carmen's sneaky sophomore snitcher.

(singing) P-P-P-Patty

Chief

Her last known whereabouts: Edinburgh, Scotland. Bobby the Dog belonged to a shepherd named John Grey. On market days, Grey and Bobby always stopped for lunch at a tavern across the street from Greyfriars Church. When Grey died in 1858 and was buried in the churchyard, the dog refused to leave his master's grave. For 14 years, Bobby left only once daily to eat at the tavern. When Bobby finally went to doggy heaven, friends built a statue of him near the churchyard. And, it stood there until today when Patty, armed with a heavy duty leash, tempted the terrier with a savory smelling dog biscuit. First, he resisted her advances, but then she collared him and walked him away. Gumshoes, you've got to find out where that...

(singing) Woo-woo-ooo-oo

Chief

...LITTLE DOG GONE!

Carmen, this bronze dog is awfully heavy and he doesn't even know any tricks.

Don't whine, Patty dear. The Gumshoes have sniffed you out. Go to an island nation east of Mozambique.

Hey, I'll stash the loot there.

You won't be the first. Pirates use this island as a base in the 17th and 18th centuries. It's also famous for its chameleons-- lizards who can change color.

If I were a chameleon, I'd go for a nice floral print.

Your color's going to be jail cell gray if you don't get moving. Now, scoot.

Chief

Oh, this guy is such a good driver.

He knows how to stay on a straight line. That's for sure.

Chief

Yeah.

Chief

And this is Eartha Brute, Carmen Sandiego's brawny brawling burglaress.

(singing) Eartha Brute HUH!

Chief

Her last known whereabouts: Western Pennsylvania. In 1935, department store owner Edgar Kaufmann commissioned architect Frank Lloyd Wright to build a vacation home near a waterfall on Bear Run. Wright surprised Kaufmann with a plan to build a house directly over the waterfall. The building called Falling Water was completed in 1939. One scholar called Falling Water a complete masterpiece of 20th century art. Well, today, that complete masterpiece is completely gone because Eartha barreled up Bear Run, admired the architecture, and bolted with the building, waterfall and all. Gumshoes, it's a fright when...

(singing) Woo-woo-ooo-oo

Chief

...MIGHT TAKES WRIGHT!

Chief

All together now!

Wait for the Wagon.

The M'zab (Shoeprints are revealed)

Nothing!

Thank you!

Whatever! (Greg laughs)

You guys ready?!

YEAH!!

I just wanna make sure that everybody is really ready for this. Okay? So everybody, repeat after me! It's time...!

It's time...!

To catch...!

To catch...!

Carmen Sandiego!

Carmen Sandiego!

I said it's time...!

It's time...!

To catch...!

To catch...!

Carmen Sandiego!

Carmen Sandiego!

It's time...!

It's time...!

To catch...!

To catch...!

Carmen Sandiego!

Carmen Sandiego!

Lemme hear you cheer! Let's do this! (to Kavir) C'mon, man!

Chief

And this is Top Grunge, Carmen Sandiego's festering farrago of filth.

(singing) Top Grunge

Chief

His last known whereabouts: West Point on New York's Hudson River. The U.S. Military Academy was founded here in 1802. Among its nearly 50,000 graduates, presidents Ulysses S. Grant and Dwight D. Eisenhower. Students are called cadets and after graduation, they become second lieutenants in the U.S. Army. The first graduating class consisted of ten men. Nowadays, more than 900 men and women graduate each year. Or they did until today when Top Grunge rode into formation. Dreaming his dreams of military glory, Grunge hopped on his chopper and heisted the whole academy. Gumshoes, you've got to clean up this...

(singing) Woo-woo-ooo-oo

Chief

...OFFICERS' MESS!

Chief

Greg, you'd better come into my office.

Yeah, Chief. I'll be right there. You guys, if you'll excuse me for just a moment. The Chief obviously is a need of me. (enters the office, where the Chief has ping-pong balls on her desk) What's up, Chief?

Chief

Uh, Greg, something weird is going on. I can't explain it, but a certain thing happens whenever anybody says Carmen's last name, so from now on, it's just Carmen.

Okay. Okay. Don't worry, Chief, I won't say "Carmen Sandiego".

Chief

Thanks, Greg. I knew I could count on you.

I'm sorry. Never again. I promise. I won't say "Carmen Sandi... armpit." Carmen Sandieggsalad. Carmen Sandielephant.

Chief

Oh, for goodness sake, Greg! I keep thinking you're about to say "Carmen Sandiego".

Uh, uh, Chief, do you think maybe this is maybe a good time for the home viewer contest?

Chief

Yes.

'Kay.

Great. See ya later. (exits the office, but the Chief stops him)

Chief

Uh, Greg. Greg, one more thing.

Mm-hmm?

Chief

You-- You know the squeak in my chair.

Oh, yeah.

Chief

I wonder if you could just check it out for me.

Squeak in a chair? All right. (sits down)

Chief

Right there. (to the ceiling) Carmen Sandiego!

Nope. No squeak that I could find. I gotta get back to work. See ya. (exits the office)

Chief

And this is Wonder Rat, Carmen's snout-faced, self-promoting crony in crime.

(singing) Wonder Rat

Chief

His last known whereabouts: Cody, Wyoming. Showman Buffalo Bill Cody founded this town. His traveling Wild West Show made stars out of Annie Oakley and Chief Sitting Bull. The show's memorabilia is now displayed at Cody's Buffalo Bill Historical Center. Some say Bill's greatest achievement was turning himself into a legend. Well, oneself promoter deserves another and the other showed up today. When Wonder Rat, Carmen's second rate superhero stole the whole town. Wyoming is wailing and we've got to whip that wonder weasel. Gumshoes, your job is to wrangle that rat and his...

(singing) Woo-woo-ooo-oo

Chief

...ROARING RODENT ROAD SHOW!

Chief

This is Lynne Thigpen for Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego?. And remember: Our gumshoes are strong and steady, and some them have moms named Betty. Not mine but some of them do.

Chief

And this is Wonder Rat, Carmen's wicked whiskered windbag.

(singing) Wonder Rat

(singing) Woo-woo-ooo-oo

Chief

...THE PERSIAN SUBVERSION or THE GRABBING OF THE GULF!

Hiya, Chief. Listen, I was expectin' you to call me in.

Chief

Well, I couldn't, Greg. My intercom doesn't work, and look, (shows her magnifying glass) my magnifying glass won't magnify. The blotter won't blot. Well, I can't even open my drawers.

Chief, listen. Maybe your desk is outta gas. Now, when was the last time you had it filled?

Chief

Well, you know, I've been so busy, I haven't even thought about it lately.

Look here, this is your problem. It's bone dry, huh? I'll fill it up for you. (taps the left side of her desk to summon the monitor she had previously used for the Photo Recon segment in Season 2)

Chief

Oh, thanks. And while you do that, I'll tell the home viewers at home about the contest. (Greg puts a gas pump in the top of the monitor to have her desk filled with gasoline and cleans the "windshield"; during this the contest is announced)

Heck of a deal. All right, uh, pull thing there, Chief. (removes the gas pump and the Chief starts her "car" and Greg taps the monitor to descend back down) All right. Safe as always.

Chief

(hands Greg his tip) There you go. Keep the change.

Thank you. Drive safely.

Chief

(turns on her "headlights") You bet.

(as the Chief drives off) And don't play your radio too loud. You know what happened last time. (the Chief waves goodbye and so does Greg) See ya. (exits the office with the gas pump)

You'd better take the gulf on the lam.

I am on the lam, Carmen. I've been in 4 countries in the last 8 minutes.

I mean the Lam Sea. That's what the local people used to call it, anyway. The sea is officially part of Russia, so you see its modern Russian name on maps. Head for Sakhalin Island.

Gee, you'll think I'll run into any of my faithful devoted fans, Carmen?

No, they're both in prison, but keep your claws out of the water. The sea is full of crabs.

Hey, crabs love me! I'll get a crustacean ovation! (laughs)

I love drivin' this car, Chief.

Chief

Well, just don't push the ejector seat like you did the last time.

What'd he say?

We're goin' to North America!

(laughs) Do it again!

(point to the camera) We're goin' to North America!

Chief

And this is Kneemoi, that anti-social alien from Carmen Sandiego's band of baddies.

(singing) Kneemoi

Chief

Her last known whereabouts: Australia. Before the arrival of Europeans, Australia's Aborigines lived in small communal groups which hunted and gathered food. As they traveled from place to place, tribal elders used songs of myth and history as their oral maps. The song lines, called corroboree, are still sung by some present-day Aborigines. Or they were until today when Kneemoi absconded with the songs. She thinks they'd make great disco hits on her home planet Roddenberry. Gumshoes, you got to nail Kneemoi, catch Carmen, and put an end to...

(singing) Woo-woo-ooo-oo

Chief

...THE OUTBACK SOUNDTRACK HIJACK!

Chief

And this is Sarah Nade, Carmen Sandiego's screeching cyberpunk scofflaw.

(singing) Sarah Nade

Chief

Her last known whereabouts: northern Israel. In 1910, a group of Jews from Russia founded the Degania Kibbutz. A collective farmer owned the property together and worked for the good of the community. As more Jews moved to the area, more kibbutzim, that's the plural of kibbutz, were founded. Today, there are over 200 kibbutzim, home to roughly one in 30 Israelis and Degania is still going strong. Or it was until today when Sarah Nade jammed up the Jordan River. She lifted all the livestock. She pilfered all the produce. She inveigled all the industry. That's right, she keelhauled the whole kibbutz. Gumshoes, you've got to free that farm and factory, and tell Sarah Nade...

(singing) Woo-woo-ooo-oo

Chief

...COME BACK WITH THAT KIBBUTZ, TOOTS!

Chief

And this is Patty Larceny, that antisocial adolescent from Carmen Sandiego's crew of cretins.

(singing) P-P-P-Patty

Chief

Her last known whereabouts: Kazanluk, Bulgaria, The Valley of the Roses is a rural area near Kazanluk. For more than 200 years, the roses grown here have been the world's prime source of rose oil, a precious basic ingredient in perfume. Top perfume makers from around the world pay up to $2,500 a pound for Kazanluk rose oil. Or they did until today when Patty Larceny slipped into the valley, flounced furtively through the fields, and bagged every last bud. Gumshoes, you've got to catch that crooked kid and crush...

(singing) Woo-woo-ooo-oo

Chief

...THE KAZANLUK COLOGNE CAPER!

Chief

And this is Vic the Slick, Carmen's pocket-picking pinchmeister.

(singing) Vic the Slick

Chief

His last known whereabouts: Patagonia in Southern Argentina. Patagonia's Los Glaciares National Park is home to Moreno Glacier, a 22-mile long, three mile wide sheet of ice up to 200 feet thick. At the front of the glacier, a dramatic cliff rises from the water of Lake Argentina. Huge chunks of ice regularly break off and float away but even so, the glacier is getting bigger with every snowfall. Or it did until today when Vic the Slick hauled it off. He's planning to melt the ice down and make billions on Vic's Patagonian bottled water. Here's your job, gumshoes. Catch Carmen, stop the slick one and undo...

(singing) Woo-woo-ooo-oo

Chief

...THE GLACIER ERASURE!

We made a mistake, Tahare, the last time you were on this show last season. So we've asked you to come back. So good luck to you. Thanks for comin' back. Ladies and gentlemen, Tahare's here.

They're after you, Vic. Take the glacier to the last African colony to declare independence from Britain. A small landlocked kingdom in southern Africa.

Landlocked? This ice is tough haulin' on land, Carmster.

Hire some help. Pay them with emalangeni. That's the country's currency. King Mswati III is pictured on the bills.

Hey, maybe I could sell the king this burg, huh?

Can you bargain and speak Swati?

Eh, no, but good taste is a universal language.

Then, you're universally illiterate.

Chief

Uh, Greg, isn't this where we're supposed to meet the ferry?

Ferry?

Chief

Yeah.

What ferry?

Chief

And this is Double Trouble, Carmen's diabolical dual of do-badders.

(singing) Double Trouble (Trouble)

Chief

Their last known whereabouts: Rio de Janeiro, Brazil. Next to Rio's Guanabara Bay stands a towering chunk of granite rising 1,300 feet. The Indians who first lived here called the pointy isolated peak, Pot de Sucre, which means pointy isolated peak. Then the Portuguese changed it to Pâo de Açucar, or Sugarloaf. English nanny Henrietta Carstairs was the first European to scale Sugarloaf in 1817. Now hundreds of people a day take a six minute cable car ride to the peak. But no more because today, Double Trouble, engineers of mayhem, rallied through Rio, ripped off the rock, and, well, ran away. Gumshoes, you've got to catch Carmen and rustle up those...

(singing) Woo-woo-ooo-oo

Chief

...RIO ROCK WRANGLERS!

Now, I really do think we're gettin' close to catchin' Double Trouble. All we hafta do is contin--

Oh, you think so, do you?!

It's my upstairs neighbor, Mrs. Pumpkinclanger. (enters the alley and looks up at Mrs. Pumpkinclanger) Hey, Mrs. P!

"How that red rain hath made the harvest grow", said the poet Lord Byron. He was describing a sight in the center of Belgium, where Napoleon fought his last battle in 1815 and now Double Trouble are a blight on that same sight. Uh, you know, I'm a bit of a poet myself. (shows a book) The stench of crime lies heavy upon us. Like a patient etherised upon a table and alas my downstairs neighbors are a clumsy surgeon and trusted with its cure. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Good-bye. (shuts her window)

Good-bye. Thank-- Thank you very much. Thanks a lot. By the way, we have copies of her book in the lobby after the show. Okay?

If you guys don't move, you'll be in a mountain of trouble.

Where to, Carmen?

Go to the country once known as Mesopotamia. It was one of the first civilizations on earth.

Well, that was then. What's there now?

The country's capital is a big city on both banks of the Tigris River. It's also the center of industry and transportation. They're reconstructing after the damage from the Gulf War.

We're there, boss! Let's rock the Cradle of civilization!

Chief

This thing is sorta drafty, Greg. Can you close the window?

No windows, Chief. This is the economy model.

Chief

And this is Top Grunge, Carmen Sandiego's marauding mud-faced mechanic.

(singing) Top Grunge

Chief

His last known whereabouts: northern India. The 1,700 mile-long Grand Trunk Road cuts across northern India from Pakistan to Calcutta. The route was probably first used in 1500 BC by invading armies from the north. Its narrow lanes have been in heavy use ever since. Even now it's India's most important road, trucks, buses, passenger cars, ox carts, camel caravans, and herds of cattle, plus yearly floods and muds make it a famously wild ride. Or it was until today when that skanky smelling cyclist Top Grunge rolled the road up and whisked it away. Gumshoes, it's your job to get it back, catch Carmen Sandiego, and stop...

(singing) Woo-woo-ooo-oo

Chief

Hey, nice boat, Greg.

Yep, all the comforts of home.

(when Grunge is revealed; in a grungy voice) Top Grunnnnnnnnnnnge!

Yeah!

Movin' on! (sings their fanfare; as Earl is about to leave his podium, when the confetti starts falling)

No, wait! (Earl heads back to his podium) Okay, yeah. Good. Okay. Now come here. Oh, we're very serious about our confetti, sir.

Chief

And this is Kneemoi, Carmen Sandiego's antisocial extraterrestrial ectoplasm.

(singing) Kneemoi

Chief

Her last known whereabouts: Cuba. This island nation is home to the world's smallest bird, the bee hummingbird. These dinky guys are only about two inches long from bill to tail, and weigh less than a penny. They lay half the size of jelly beans. Bee hummers can flap their wings about 80 times per second. They're so small and fast that even bird experts often mistake them for insects. The bee hummingbird is only found in Cuba. Or it was until today when Kneemoi cruised into Cuba with a bright idea. Disguised as a flower, she tempted the hummers, then hauled them off. She plans to turn them into the Roddenberrian Tabernacle Choir. Gumshoes, you got to grab that flying felon, catch Carmen, and undo...

(singing) Woo-woo-ooo-oo

Chief

...THE BEE-BIRD BURGLARY!