Sikowitz quotes from Victorious

Sikowitz

This is a very nice thing you guys are doing here.

Tori

Yeah, yeah. Thousand bucks, right?

That guy's like a hundred years old!

Sikowitz

I'm 34!

Sikowitz

I spy a fly, with my little thigh!

Tori

Thigh?

Sikowitz

Okay, Beck. What role will Cat be playing at the Great Sikowitz Sleepover?

Beck

Cat will play a 1980s standup comedian...who's very annoying!

Cat

I wanna be a unicorn!

Beck

You can't!

Cat

Phooey..!

Sikowitz

Now, Cat! Who will Robbie be playing?

Cat

Well...i've decided, Robbie's role should be a motivational speaker...

Robbie

Pfft. I could do that!

Cat

Who just drank some weird beverage that makes his legs weak and wobbly! (laughs)

Robbie

Okay, so, uh, i'm a motivational speaker with...jelly legs.

Cat

Yeah, i'm creative.

Sikowitz

Wonderful. Robbie, tell us the character you've chosen for Beck.

Robbie

Sure! One sec. (presses some buttons on his PearPad then turns it to them) Okay. Beck will be playing... (turns the PearPad to face them) A guy from England whose accent is really hard to understand, and he's always invading people's personal space.

Beck

(in a British accent) No problem.

Sikowitz

Andre! What do you have in store for Torro?

Tori

Did you just call me Torro?

Sikowitz

Maybe.

Tori

It's To-RI!

Sikowitz

I know. But I do love that fatty tuna.

Tori

(to Robbie) Should I be offended?

Andre

Okay, uh, Tori's character will be a cop who wears way too much red lipstick, and is obsessed with raisin bran.

Tori

Where did you come up with that?

Andre

Well, see, I had this dream last night, where this lady cop was like...and she was like...then I was like...I just thought of it.

Sikowitz

Tori! Tell us what Jade will be.

Tori

Love to. (As she walks in front of the others, Jade looks worried that Tori will say something she will hate.) Jade will be an innocent farm girl from Alabama who's always super sweet and nice and never gets upset about anything.

Jade

I'd rather slam my tongue in a car door.

Sikowitz

Now tell us who Andre will be playing.

Jade

Ugh, fine... (stands up and walks in front of the others) You're gonna be a guy who's just finished running a marathon...

Andre

Okay.

Jade

Who also happens to be nine months pregnant.

Andre

...Who's the daddy?

I'm going with some guys to see the Waldogs play at the moxie.

Cat

I'll go with you to see the Waldogs play at the moxie, I'll go right now!

Sikowitz

EEEECK! Cat...you just broke character. (opens the door)

Cat

Yay! (drops her microphone and leaves with Jason) Bye, everyone, I'll be at the moxie! (Sikowitz shuts the door after they leave.)

Tori

And to THINK I was gonna let that boy eat my Raisin Bran!

Jade

My goodness, that tray was hot! Oh, well. Look at it! My skin's starting to blister! And I do believe that's the sweet smell of my burning flesh!

Sikowitz

Uh, Jade, perhaps I should try----

Jade

Who's Jade? My name is Betsy-Sue Goldenheart. A happy farm girl who's experiencing extreme pain right now! Aaaooooowwwwwww.... (Jade smiles and exits the house)

Sikowitz

And yet, she never broke character.

Jade

MOVE THIS CAR! (glass breaks and a car siren goes off)

Sikowitz

You broke character!

Tori

AND...your neighbor's car window. (a police siren wails)

Sikowitz

Go inside, go inside. (pushes Tori inside and closes the door)

Sikowitz

(into his walkie) I can't take it anymore-ALRIGHT! (stands up, and turns to face Tori and Beck) Since it's obvious...neither one of you are going to be breaking character anytime soon, and I can't STAND being here with either one of you anymore...I'm going to bed. You can help yourself to anything in the refrigerator but please. (explicitly) Do NOT look in the cabinet under the sink in my bathroom. PLEASE. ...Good night. (walks away)

Beck

(in British accent) Have you ever seen a carnivorous wildebeest rubbing up fat Dan Schneider walking-

Tori

I AM A POLICE OFFICER!

Beck

Egofen.

Andre

Just tell us where the girl is.

Beck

I told you, I DON'T KNOW!

Cat

Okay, if you don't know, you don't know. [slaps Beck hard then grabs his shirt] NOW DO YOU KNOW?!

Beck

Hey, man! Get your partner off of me!

Andre

You better tell her what she wants to know. [licks a lollipop]

Cat

You got three seconds to talk.

Beck

I-I-I don't know. I-

Beck

She's in my basement! [Cat lets go of him] She's in my basement. [gets on his knees and cries]

Sikowitz

Boring.

Andre

That was boring?

Sikowitz

[gets up] Yeah, it was all too predictable. There were no, [puts on a shocked face] AHH, surprises.

Jade

I enjoyed the slapping.

Sikowitz

See, entertainment is so much more entertaining, when the characters do something the audience doesn't expect.

Robbie

I don't get what you're trying to say here.

You've bewildered everybody.

Sikowitz

All right, okay, maybe I'm wrong. Let's move on the something else. [Cat, Beck and Andre sit back down] Let's talk about our hopes and dreams. [points to Tori] Tori.

Tori

[points to Sikowitz] Sikowitz.

Sikowitz

What's your biggest hope and/or dream? [smiles at her]

Tori

Uh...probably to be a pop star. A really successful singer.

Sikowitz

[laughs insanely]

Tori

[laughs nervously with him] What?

Sikowitz

Oh, well, maybe you could sing at weddings for the hearing impaired. [continues laughing]

Jade

Okay, this is the most fun class ever.

Tori

[sad] You really don't think I can make it as a singer?

Sikowitz

Nope. HA! You see? You're all staring at me with rapt attention. Why? Because, as a teacher, you expect me to encourage my students not puke on their dreams. Right?

Tori

Uh huh.

Sikowitz

This is what I'm trying to explain. When characters do the unexpected- [falls suddenly] audiences pay attention.

Tori

Oh, I have a headache.

Sikowitz

That's lunchtime. Get out.

Hey, Jade. That's a nice new sweater.

Jade

Thanks. It's made out of puppet hair.

Dang, woman.

Tori

So I said ok.

Sikowitz

Really? I had no idea you did stunt work.

Tori

I don't! I'm not a stunt double!

Sikowitz

Then why'd you accept the job?

Tori

I don't know. Because I'm stupid?

Jade

I've been telling you people she's stupid, but did anyone believe me?

Andre

Alright, wait. Why did they even offer you a job as a stunt double?

Tori

Because of my resume? Under "special skills" I put gymnastics and karate, and that made them think I could do stunts.

Jade

See, you should never lie on your resume. (Tori gives her a dirty look) Well, that's not a pretty face.

Jade

I'll go get her dress off.

Sikowitz

Nooooooo. (grabs her and holds her back)

Jade

She can't play the role and i'm the understudy!

Sikowitz

I don't care; you've been acting like a gank all week. I'm not going to reward you by letting you play the lead!

Jade

There's an audience out there! The show must go on!

Sikowitz

Yes. Yes, it must. And must, it shall!

Beck

C'mon!

Beck

We'll both ask her.

Tori

What's goin' on?

Beck

My aunt says we can't go to Cancun.

Tori

Aw, how come?

Beck

She found out I was bringing Jade.

Sikowitz

Hah!

Beck

So we hear some of you guys are going to Yerba?

Tori

Yes. Yes, we are. Would you like to go to Yerba with us, Beck?

Beck

That'd be great, thanks!

Tori

Jade, do you have a question for me?

Jade

(turns her head away, clearly humiliated) Can I come to Yerba?

Tori

Hmmm...maybe. But first...gotta give me a hug! (Jade hesitates) C'mon, c'mon. Just do it! (they hug) See, giving Tori a big ol' hug isn't such a bad thing. (Jade begins to squeeze tighter) Ok, that's really tight. (they fall to the ground) Oh, god, help me!

Jade

...Okay. So before you booked our trip here, you forgot to find out that this is the WORST country on Earth?!

Tori

Yeah.

Sikowitz

Jade, don't be such a Crabby Cathy.

Jade

I have every right to be a Crabby Cat- (they look over at Beck being fawned on by the local girls) Uh, Crabby Cathy is about to get a little bit crabbier.

Cat

I think those girls like Beck's fluffy American hair.

Jade

Clearly. (she advances) Hey! Get your hands off my boyfriend's head!

Sikowitz

Wait! Who's that guy?

Tori

He's...a woman.

Sikowitz

Dear Ghandi! (runs into the duck truck, and the episode ends as the truck takes off and passes by a pavement that reads "NO ESCAPING" while the gang cheers)

Sikowitz

Hello. Your attention please. Up here. I'm waving. See my hand moving to and fro. Please.

Jade

[stands up and yells aggressively] Everybody shut up! [everyone is quiet now and they're all looking at her]

Sikowitz

Ahh Jade, so sweet and feminine.

Sikowitz

Alright, Tori and Jade. You two are going to play husband and wife.

Tori

I'll be the wife.

Jade

Yeah, no kidding.

Sikowitz

Now, here's your brand new synthetically redheaded baby! (turns chair to show Cat in a baby bonnet)

Cat

Wait, before we start, I was just wondering, I have 3 quest– (Sikowitz puts pacifier in her mouth)

Sikowitz

All right, your dialogue should be all friendly and happy, but your subtext is anger, so you must say your happy lines angrily. Action!

Tori

Hey, I am so honkin' happy that we got married and had this cute little baby!

Jade

Ditto to that! I tell you, nothing warms my cockles more than lookin' at this magical pile of baby here!

Cat

Goo!

Tori

Oh, did you hear that "Goo!"?!