Andre quotes from Victorious

Tori

Ooh, still warm.

Andre

Well, they were in Robbie's pants.

Beck

Can you not say that again?

Jade

Cat, you're not eating your taco.

Cat

(nervously) Yeah, it's 'cause I'm - I'm like - I'm too excited to eat it, you know. Tacos, yay. (the cheese from Cat's taco fell off)

Jade

Vegan.

Cat

I am not.

Jade

Then eat your taco if you're not a vegan.

Beck

You know what I can go for right now?

Andre

Tacos?

Beck

How'd you know?

Andre

I felt you, dawg. (Beck smiles)

Tori

Tacos. Those sound really good right now.

Jade

(while ripping paper) I'm down for tacos.

Robbie

(nervously) Yeah. I love tacos.

Jade

(about Cat) Look who's being real quiet.

Cat

I'm just not that hungry right now.

Jade

Yeah, why don't you tell everyone the truth?

Cat

Leave me alone.

Andre

What's going on here?

Jade

(goes to Cat) Our pristine little friend Cat has never had a taco.

Cat

I'm not that pristine. (pause) Wait, what's pristine mean?

Jade

(to Cat) Are you a vegan?

Beck

Knock it off, guys.

What's a vegan?

Robbie

It's a person who doesn't eat meat.

I love meat.

Robbie

Shhh.

Don't shush me.

Jade

C'mon, Cat, tell us. Have you ever had a crispy corn shell, filled with meat... lettuce... shredded cheese... (Jade glares at Cat)

Tori

Hey! Leave her alone.

Jade

What are you gonna do if I don't?

Tori

Well, I might just go online, to the Slap, and unfriend you. (Cat gasps)

Jade

Oh, really?

Tori

Two clicks. One to unfriend you, and one to confirm that I really wanna unfriend you. (Jade glares at Tori)

Andre

Hey, c'mon, y'all, how we gonna get some tacos?

Tori

I could call Trina, ask her to pick some up and leave them in my locker.

Robbie

(crying) You're so conceited, Tori! You're so conceited!

Tori

(confused) What?

Tori

Are we gonna be just like our parents?

Jade

When you get old, your butt sags.

Beck

And you can't find your pants.

Andre

Sometimes, I feel so much pressure, y'know, with my music. My cousin J.J., he's always telling me, "You know, you gotta be the best. You gotta be number one! Number one!!!" And I wanna tell him "Hey, man, get off my chizz!" But he drives me to school, and I don't wanna blow my ride.

Tori

(raises hand) I have a weird talent.

Robbie

(crying) You're so conceited, Tori! You're so conceited!

Cat

What's your talent?

Jade

Yeah, let's see it. (everybody joins in)

Tori

Okay. Okay. I'll show you. (Tori starts pulling out her socks ) Can't believe I'm doing this.

Jade

(sarcastically) That was amazing! You learn that from your daddy? Your daddy know how to shoot a bow and arrow with his foot?

Beck

(after a pause) I'm sorry, did I miss something?

Jade

Go on. Shoot another arrow.

Tori

Shut. Up.

Jade

Oh, c'mon, show us what your daddy taught you about foot archery.

Tori

SHUT UP!

Jade

BECAUSE MY DAD CAN'T DO ANYTHING WITH HIS FEET!

Tori

That is not my fault!

Andre

STOP IT!!! As teenagers, we are all under too much pressure!!!

Cat

(as Robbie starts to tackle Tori) Robbie!

Dear Mr. Dickers. Goodbye from all of us. A puppet...

Tori

A future popstar.

Andre

A musician.

Beck

An actor.

Robbie

A nerd with temporarily straight hair.

Jade

A girl who likes scissors...

Cat

And me!!!!

Cat, they can't see you, baby.

Cat

Oh... it's Cat, bye!

Sincerely, The Breakfast Bunch. Even though we never had breakfast as a bunch.

Andre

You look a lot better without those black curls in your hair.

Robbie

Hey! I like black curls. (pause) So why are you guys being so nice to me?

Beck

Because you're letting us. (Andre, Beck and Robbie laugh. Robbie attempts to hug Beck backwards)

Andre

Uh, Elise! Hey, Elise!

Um... Andre? Right?

Andre

Andre. Yeah. So, uh, here's what's up. Some friends of mine might be going to the Gorilla Club tonight. And if you don't have any plans, I was thinking maybe me and you--- (Jades sneaks behind him)

Jade

HAMMER TIME.

Andre

Not now. All right. I'm trying to talk to----

Jade

STOP! HAMMER TIME. (Jade plays a MC Hammer-like song on her PearPad. Then, Andre starts to dance like MC Hammer. Elise then leaves.)

Andre

(following Elise while still dancing) Wait! Wait, Elise! Don't walk away from a man when he's Hammer dancing!

Jade

HAMMER TIME.

Andre

Ugh!

Robbie

Darn it, oh! (Robbie and Andre stand up as Jade plays the boombox. A song similar to MC Hammer's starts to play and both Robbie and Andre start dancing like MC Hammer.)

Sikowitz

Oh my God!

Tori

His tush is lopsided!

Robbie

DON'T LOOK AT IT! (Robbie and Andre continue dancing)

Tori

People leave here alive, right?

Beck

Sometimes.

Andre

I think I just stepped in some blood. (a manager comes up to them)

(hands Tori, Andre, Cat, and Beck clipboards) Here. Sign 'em!

Tori

Why do we have to sign these?

Beck

It just says that if you try any of the challenges here, you won't sue the place if you get...dead.

She's not supposed to be laughing on the bunny!

Andre

Well, what do you want me to do?!

Tori

(upon hearing Andre knock frantically) Who is it? Are you a criminal?!

Andre

Not really.

Tori

It's open! (Andre comes in)

Andre

(takes off his jacket) Hey.

Tori

Aren't you supposed to be at Hope's party?

Andre

Yes. Yes, I am. I'm supposed to be at her birthday party, I'm supposed to perform a song, and I'm supposed to like her. But I don't! I don't like that girl at all! (takes a pillow from the couch) Not even a little bit! And I don't know WHAT TO DO! (slams the pillow on the couch)

Tori

Want some mashed potatoes?

Andre

No! I don't want any...(beat) Gimme the bowl. (takes the bowl out of Tori's hands)

Beck

I always knew you were anti-Canadian!

Andre

Well, what are you gonna do aboot it, eh?

Beck

Will you tell this punk-nut that you like me?

Trina

Well...

Andre

Punk-nut?!

Beck

Trina... made chicken for me!

Andre

Don't you listen to her, she made a turkey! Why would you wanna date a Canadian that doesn't know one food bird from another?!

Trina

I have an idea. Um, how about the three of us eat the turkey together?

Beck

No. You pick him or you pick me!

Andre

Or maybe I'll pick you up and toss you right out that door!

Beck

(grabs him by the shirt) Oh, I would love to see you try!

Trina

Boys, I-

Robbie

Trina? (he is seen at the door with flowers) Trina, I brought you these... (sniffs) Did someone microwave a turkey?

Beck

Who are those flowers for?

Andre

They better be for Beck.

Robbie

They're for Trina.

Trina

Whaaaaaaaaat?

Robbie

Well, I heard the boys in the locker room say that Beck asked you out so I thought I'd ask you, too. (Andre grabs a shovel and tries to hit Robbie, who screams and runs while Beck and Andre chase him)

Beck

Trina wants me, not you idiots! (the three boys start to fight. Andre lifts Robbie up and shakes him. Beck then punches Andre in the face)

Trina

Boys, don't fight over me! Boys, come on! (Andre punches Beck back. Beck goes to Trina and holds her as Robbie throws the flowers to Andre, who retaliates by throwing him in the ground and preparing to hit him with a kettle)

Beck

Andre, no!

Trina

[tries to escape, but cannot because Beck holds her tight] Beck!

Beck

Don't go! [Andre repeatedly hits Robbie with the kettle] It's disgusting!

Trina

DAD, COME QUICK! THEY'RE KILLING EACH OTHER! [gets out of Beck's clutches, then runs into the garage, sobbing. The boys stop fighting and run behind the couch while laughing, implying that the whole thing was just a joke. Trina then pulls David out of the garage] And then Andre started hitting Robbie with a– [notices the boys are gone] Tea... kettle...

David

[notices the boys at the couch with puppets] What's going on?

Andre

We're doing a puppet show.

Beck

[in a British accent] I am the king.

Robbie

[in a high voice] I am the queen.

Andre

And I'm the little pussy cat. Mow.

Trina

But they were just...I swear I saw them in there, they were just... urgh!

David

Just... promise me when you go to college, it'll be some place far, far away. (leaves)

Beck

[in a British accent] Trina, did you learn your lesson?

Robbie

[in a high voice] About telling lies?

Andre

Meow! [he, Robbie and Beck joyfully jump on the couch in circles and leave the house]

Sikowitz

You see, every time I cast a new play, you get your panties in a pretzel. So this time, you people will choose your own roles. (brings box of paper slips to Andre) Andre, pick a role.

Andre

(reading off card) "Tommy, ten year old twin brother of Carter."

Sikowitz

(makes airplane noise and goes to Beck) Beck, pick a role.

Beck

(reading off card) "Carter, ten year old twin brother of Tommy." I guess we're twins.

Andre

Then Mama's got some explaining to do.

Sikowitz

(makes airplane noise and goes to Jade) Jade, pick a role.

Jade

(reading off card) "Nancy, loving wife of astronaut Walter Swain."

Sikowitz

(Robbie attempts to pick a role, but Sikowitz makes another airplane noise and goes to Tori) Tori.

Tori

(reading off card) "Astronaut Walter Swain.........husband of Nancy...."

Jade

I'm supposed to play her wife?

Tori

I'll just pick another card!

Sikowitz

No! My box has spoken!

Andre

What's wrong, mom?

Beck

You seem awfully upset.

Jade

Don't you understand? Your father's an astronaut. It's his dream to walk on the moon but now that might never happen because of his narcolepsy!

Beck

What's narcolepsy?

Jade

It's when you're always falling asleep even when you're not tired.

Sikowitz

(to Sinjin) Car door sound effect! (Sinjin clicks a button where it's being followed by a sound of a car alarm stopping)

Jade

(stands up, along with Beck and Andre) Oh, I just heard your father's car. Now, boys, no matter how narcoleptic he is, you pretend you don't notice. (notices Beck holding her apron) Don't touch Mommy. (pulls Beck's hand off her apron. After that, Tori, wearing a mustache and male clothes, enters)

Tori

(in a man voice) Nancy, boys, I'm home.

Jade

Hi, honey.

Andre

Hey, dad.

Beck

Hi there, dad.

Tori

(to Andre) Hello, Car--- (since Tori's character has narcolepsy, she falls on the sofa and passes out)

Jade

Oh. It's all right, boys. It's all right now. (comes to Tori) Honey. Honey. (Tori suddenly gets up)

Tori

I'M UP! I'M UP! (to Beck) So, Tommy. How was school today?

Beck

(his and Andre's characters are twins) I'm Carter.

Andre

I'm Tommy.

Tori

Ahh!! What kind of father am I?! I'm so darn narcoleptic I can't even tell my own twin sons apart.

Jade

It's not your fault they're identical. Look at them. (both Tori and Jade look at Beck and Andre)

Tori

Nancy, you're so--- (for another time, Tori passes out and falls in front of Jade)

Jade

Ahh.. Ooh.. Sweetheart! Darling!

Tori

(wakes up) BLAST OFF!

Jade

No. No, you were saying I'm so?

Tori

Right, uh, you're so good, gentle. How can you love a sleepy loser like me?

Jade

You are no sleepy loser. You are an astronaut.

Tori

I love you.

Jade

(strained) I love you.

Sikowitz

(the rehearsal ends) Eh, no you don't! Light a candle, Burf. This play stinks!

I don't have a candle.

Sikowitz

Then get a better haircut!

Sinjin

Shake it off, Burf. He's just in a mood.

Andre

Cat, that is a lot of Bibble.

Cat

Please don't look at it, it's all for me!

Jade

Cat, don't be stingy, just give him a little nibble of Bibble.

Cat

NO!!! (jumps on Bibble bag)