Andre quotes from Victorious

Tori

(after the long flashback) So, you guys formed a fake ping pong team so you could get some money, buy a trophy for the school, save the principal's job, and take Sikowitz out for a big fancy dinner?

Andre

[pause] Yeah, I guess we could've just told it that way.

Tori

Oh, I wish I could go to Karaoke Dokie!

Beck

Why can't you?

Jade

Who cares why she can't?

Beck

I was just wondering why she-

Jade

What, you need Tori around to have a good time, is that your point?

Beck

Dude!

Jade

WHAT?

Sikowitz

JADE! (turns to her) You're lucky to HAVE Beck. Don't be such a GANK! (Tori smirks)

Cat

So, why can't you come?

Tori

Oh, Trina's getting her dumb wisdom teeth out today and guess who gets to spend the entire weekend taking care of her?

Cat

Okay, um...is it someone famous?

Tori

No! ME!

Andre

Why can't your parents take care of her?

Tori

'Cause they're gonna be in Santa Barbara.

Andre

What for?

Tori

So they don't have to take care of Trina!

Beck

Can't blame 'em.

Jade

Shucks to be you.

Tori

(to Jade) Gank.

Beck

Who texted you?

Andre

Tori.

Beck

What'd she say?

Andre

"Need you, Beck and Robbie to...take care of Trina 'till midnight."

Beck

Gross, no.

Robbie

I'm not spending my Saturday night here with Trina!

Trina

SOMEBODY has to stay with me!

Robbie

Ow, you're biting, you're biting! Ohhhh-

Beck

Come on, we're leaving. (his phone rings)

Andre

Who texted you?

Beck

Jade.

Andre

What'd she say?

Beck

"Hey, babe, you can't leave Tori's house; I took your car keys." (throws his phone annoyed)

Robbie

(takes his fingers out of Trina's mouth) Ew. Gum blood! (rubs it on her hair)

Tori

[pretending to eat] How's your eggplant?

Beck

[pretending to eat also] It's fine. How's your spaghetti?

Tori

[stops eating and gets mad] I hate you!

Beck

Why?

Tori

I'm not having spaghetti! I'm having spaghettini!

Beck

What's the difference?

Beck

I forgot.

Tori

I mean, why did we even take a pasta class together?

Sikowitz

And...done!

Beck

We're done?

Tori

But we still have a few more lines.

Sikowitz

No, I meant this is done. (holds up jar)

Andre

What is that?

Sikowitz

Well, it was a jar of cream, but now that I've shaken it vigorously for an hour, it's butter.

Jade

You make your own butter?

Sikowitz

Indeed.

Robbie

Is it good?

Sikowitz

I don't know, I refuse to eat dairy. Tori, Beck, take your seats!

Beck

(to Tori) If he doesn't eat dairy, why would he -

Tori

(holds up hands) I don't know. I don't care.

Sikowitz

Alright, for the last few minutes of class, let's talk about the one act play I'm directing.

Andre

Well?

Sikowitz

Well, what?

Andre

You wanna talk about the one act play you're directing?

Sikowitz

(in a "you talked me into it" tone) All right...First of all, I want to thank you all for auditioning. The two lead roles will be played by...(everyone leans forward, Cat gasps) Andre and Robbie!

Andre

Cool!

Robbie

Hot beef!

Aw, would anyone else like to be my guardian?

Cat

Did any of the rest of us get parts?

Sikowitz

Aw, is a certain little redhead hoping she got a role in teacher's play?

Cat

(giggles) She is!

Sikowitz

Well, she didn't. But, I do need some help with the backstage crew. Jade, Cat, I want you girls on lighting.

Jade

Lighting?

Sikowitz

Yes, you pronounced it perfectly. Tori, I want you to work with Sinjin's team on special effects.

Tori

Okay, but I know like nothing about special effects.

Sinjin

We'll teach you. (they leer at Tori)

Tori

(somewhat disgusted)...Lookin' forward to it.

Cat

So...I heard you went out with Jessica Wolf last night...

Robbie

Oh yes...I did.

Andre

So, how'd it-

Trina

(walking by) Hi, Tori, Tori's friends.

Andre

So, your date with Jessica.

Robbie

AWE-some!

Tori

Uh, not according to her last update on TheSlap.

Robbie

What'd she write?

Tori

It was kinda mean.

Andre

Read it! (Cat laughs)

Tori

"Last night: Worst date ever."

Robbie

Oh. Well, um, maybe she went out with some other guy after she went out with me, and then she wrote that about the other guy.

Tori

"Dude brought a puppet."

A puppet?

Robbie

Oh, she was talking about me.

Robbie

Is he gonna be ok?

I'm afraid his injuries are very serious.

Beck

They don't think he's gonna make it.

Andre

What in the name of Nancy's going on here?

Tori

I'll take him.

Beck

I'll drive.

Cat

I'll go, too.

Jade

Okay, does anyone else think this is bizarre? Come on, it can't just be me. (Andre enters)

Andre

All right, all right. Showtime! (pause, looks around) What'd I miss?

Sinjin

Tori tried to murder Rex.

Tori

Sinjin! (holds out arms) Here, let me take him.

Robbie

No!

Cat

We'll take him to the hospital.

Robbie

Ok.

Tori

(takes Rex) I got him.

Robbie

Take care of him.

Tori

I promise. (Robbie kisses Rex, then Tori, Cat and Beck leave)

Jade

Well, I'm not missing this. [follows Tori, Cat and Beck]

Andre

I think Cat just said something pretty smart.

Cat

Sorry?

Andre

(fake fighting with Beck) Who put my dog in a wedding dress?

Beck

It was hilarious.

Andre

Y'know what, this friendship is over.

Beck

Eat a rag.

Andre

You eat 2 rags! (to the producers) ...Did ya get all that?

Tori

Okay, would you rather give up the Internet or your foot?

Andre

Foot.

Cat

Foot.

Jade

Foot.

Beck

(lifts up knee with Jade's foot on it) Jade's foot.

Tori

You would all rather give up a foot then the internet.

Cat

Yeah.

Andre

You love the internet.

Tori

Yeah, but your foot's like a part of your body and the internet's... Yeah, my foot.

Sikowitz

Okay, Beck. What role will Cat be playing at the Great Sikowitz Sleepover?

Beck

Cat will play a 1980s standup comedian...who's very annoying!

Cat

I wanna be a unicorn!

Beck

You can't!

Cat

Phooey..!

Sikowitz

Now, Cat! Who will Robbie be playing?

Cat

Well...i've decided, Robbie's role should be a motivational speaker...

Robbie

Pfft. I could do that!

Cat

Who just drank some weird beverage that makes his legs weak and wobbly! (laughs)

Robbie

Okay, so, uh, i'm a motivational speaker with...jelly legs.

Cat

Yeah, i'm creative.

Sikowitz

Wonderful. Robbie, tell us the character you've chosen for Beck.

Robbie

Sure! One sec. (presses some buttons on his PearPad then turns it to them) Okay. Beck will be playing... (turns the PearPad to face them) A guy from England whose accent is really hard to understand, and he's always invading people's personal space.

Beck

(in a British accent) No problem.

Sikowitz

Andre! What do you have in store for Torro?

Tori

Did you just call me Torro?

Sikowitz

Maybe.

Tori

It's To-RI!

Sikowitz

I know. But I do love that fatty tuna.

Tori

(to Robbie) Should I be offended?

Andre

Okay, uh, Tori's character will be a cop who wears way too much red lipstick, and is obsessed with raisin bran.

Tori

Where did you come up with that?

Andre

Well, see, I had this dream last night, where this lady cop was like...and she was like...then I was like...I just thought of it.

Sikowitz

Tori! Tell us what Jade will be.

Tori

Love to. (As she walks in front of the others, Jade looks worried that Tori will say something she will hate.) Jade will be an innocent farm girl from Alabama who's always super sweet and nice and never gets upset about anything.

Jade

I'd rather slam my tongue in a car door.

Sikowitz

Now tell us who Andre will be playing.

Jade

Ugh, fine... (stands up and walks in front of the others) You're gonna be a guy who's just finished running a marathon...

Andre

Okay.

Jade

Who also happens to be nine months pregnant.

Andre

...Who's the daddy?

David

(annoyingly) HOW is that funny?!

Andre

Does she ever quit crying?

Jade

Ah, she'll be dead in minutes. (Both David and Holly get irritated and walk upstairs. Then, Robbie, Cat, Jason, Andre and Jade continue to laugh out loud)

[singing] Hey hey, Tori Vega! Won't you be our very special-

Tori

NO!

[disappointed then go after Andre] Hey, hey, Andre Harris!

Andre

 (off screen) NO!

Tori

(happy) Hey!

Andre

Whoa, somebody's all happy about something.

Jade

Yeah, it's making me sick.

Robbie

Hey, um, is there a reason that girls don't wanna go out with me?

Tori

You mean, like, one reason that stands out over all the other reasons?

Ha!

Robbie

(after a pause, aggravated) So why are you happy?

Tori

Because Ryder Daniels asked me out.

Ooh, he's hot! (they all stare at him) Stare all you want, I'm secure.

Jade

I don't trust that Ryder guy.

Tori

You just hate the idea of anything good happening for me.

Jade

That could not be more true. (pause) I'm just saying, any dude that hot and that perfect has to be hiding something.

Andre

So I guess you think Beck is hiding something.

Jade

Oh, he was until I found out.

Beck

Wha-what was I hiding?

Jade

That you were born in CANADA! [leaves]

Beck

[goes after her] It wasn't a secret!

Jade

You must feel pretty stupid right now.

Beck

Okay, that's a time out.

Jade

No! I was just trying to-

Beck

Go sit on the steps! (she does)

Tori

So what do I do now?

Andre

Well, you're not still gonna sing a duet with that jerk, right?

Tori

Ugh. No way!

Beck

Good. So he'll fail.

Tori

Yeah, but I don't want to fail too!

Andre

So, what are you gonna sing?

Tori

(starts to come to her senses) A song...a really cool song that you're gonna help me write, tonight!

Andre

I can't!

Tori

You have to!

Andre

But I gotta- (the others all interrupt as he tries to speak) ALRIGHT! I'll just celebrate my 97-year old great grandpa's birthday with him next year. Possibly! (he walks up to the piano) Well, come on!