Tori quotes from Victorious

Tori

So what's up?

Jade

Last night, when we went to Karaoke Dokie.

Cat

These two girls were really mean to us.

Tori

Like... "Jade-level" mean?

Cat

No, no, that mean, but really mean.

Jade

And they cheated.

Cat

So cheated.

Jade

And they were totally trashing Hollywood Arts.

Tori

Really?

Cat

What's on your arm?

Tori

Trina's mouth blood.

Cat

Ewwwww!

Jade

Cool. (Tori stares at her confused)

Tori

[pretending to eat] How's your eggplant?

Beck

[pretending to eat also] It's fine. How's your spaghetti?

Tori

[stops eating and gets mad] I hate you!

Beck

Why?

Tori

I'm not having spaghetti! I'm having spaghettini!

Beck

What's the difference?

Beck

I forgot.

Tori

I mean, why did we even take a pasta class together?

Sikowitz

And...done!

Beck

We're done?

Tori

But we still have a few more lines.

Sikowitz

No, I meant this is done. (holds up jar)

Andre

What is that?

Sikowitz

Well, it was a jar of cream, but now that I've shaken it vigorously for an hour, it's butter.

Jade

You make your own butter?

Sikowitz

Indeed.

Robbie

Is it good?

Sikowitz

I don't know, I refuse to eat dairy. Tori, Beck, take your seats!

Beck

(to Tori) If he doesn't eat dairy, why would he -

Tori

(holds up hands) I don't know. I don't care.

Sikowitz

Alright, for the last few minutes of class, let's talk about the one act play I'm directing.

Andre

Well?

Sikowitz

Well, what?

Andre

You wanna talk about the one act play you're directing?

Sikowitz

(in a "you talked me into it" tone) All right...First of all, I want to thank you all for auditioning. The two lead roles will be played by...(everyone leans forward, Cat gasps) Andre and Robbie!

Andre

Cool!

Robbie

Hot beef!

Aw, would anyone else like to be my guardian?

Cat

Did any of the rest of us get parts?

Sikowitz

Aw, is a certain little redhead hoping she got a role in teacher's play?

Cat

(giggles) She is!

Sikowitz

Well, she didn't. But, I do need some help with the backstage crew. Jade, Cat, I want you girls on lighting.

Jade

Lighting?

Sikowitz

Yes, you pronounced it perfectly. Tori, I want you to work with Sinjin's team on special effects.

Tori

Okay, but I know like nothing about special effects.

Sinjin

We'll teach you. (they leer at Tori)

Tori

(somewhat disgusted)...Lookin' forward to it.

Cat

So...I heard you went out with Jessica Wolf last night...

Robbie

Oh yes...I did.

Andre

So, how'd it-

Trina

(walking by) Hi, Tori, Tori's friends.

Andre

So, your date with Jessica.

Robbie

AWE-some!

Tori

Uh, not according to her last update on TheSlap.

Robbie

What'd she write?

Tori

It was kinda mean.

Andre

Read it! (Cat laughs)

Tori

"Last night: Worst date ever."

Robbie

Oh. Well, um, maybe she went out with some other guy after she went out with me, and then she wrote that about the other guy.

Tori

"Dude brought a puppet."

A puppet?

Robbie

Oh, she was talking about me.

Trina

Do me a flavor, put this credit card back in Mom's purse? (gives it to Tori)

Tori

(puts it in her back pocket) Why do I have to put this credit card back in-oh...

Tori

Wow, that looks so real.

So when this Robbie kid gets here-

Beck

You say that Rex isn't doing well, let him say goodbye, and then beeeep. Dead Rex.

(pause) Why can't my son be handsome like you?

Jade

[holds up jar] What's this?

Oh, just a fatty lump I removed from a cab driver's back.

Jade

Can I have it?

(incredulously) What school do you kids go to? [Jade takes the jar, smiling] I have to go see another patient, I'll be back in twenty minutes.

Beck

Why do you want it?

Jade

I like to look at it.

Jade

Hey! Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait up!

Tori

What?

Jade

Where are you all going?

Cat

To a hospital.

Tori

Cat!

Beck

We're not really going to the hospital. It's a puppet.

Cat

Not to Robbie.

Jade

You know what, maybe we should take Rex to the hospital.

Tori

Why?

Jade

So he can die there.

Cat

Jade...

Jade

It's not good for a sixteen year old guy to go through life with his hand shoved up a...that. Maybe this happened for a reason.

Tori

But if Rex dies, Robbie's gonna-

Jade

Get over it? Become a normal person? Yeah, that'd be tragic.

Beck

She's got a point.

Cat

I used to think my Uncle Jesse was a normal person, but then I found out that every Sunday he soaks his feet in chicken fat. (they all look at Cat)

Tori

(after a pause) Let's take Rex to the hospital.

I have a sixteen year old son, his name is Lendel, and well...he's a loser. Would you go out on a date with him?

Tori

How much of a loser? (doctor pulls out his wallet and shows picture) Oh, my god!

Tori

I'll take him.

Beck

I'll drive.

Cat

I'll go, too.

Jade

Okay, does anyone else think this is bizarre? Come on, it can't just be me. (Andre enters)

Andre

All right, all right. Showtime! (pause, looks around) What'd I miss?

Sinjin

Tori tried to murder Rex.

Tori

Sinjin! (holds out arms) Here, let me take him.

Robbie

No!

Cat

We'll take him to the hospital.

Robbie

Ok.

Tori

(takes Rex) I got him.

Robbie

Take care of him.

Tori

I promise. (Robbie kisses Rex, then Tori, Cat and Beck leave)

Jade

Well, I'm not missing this. [follows Tori, Cat and Beck]

Sikowitz

How would you teenagers like to do something for money?

Tori

[after a pause] Can we have some details first?

Robbie

[singing] It's fun to run, it's fun to play, it's fun to make things out of clay. It's fun to fill your car with gas, it's fun to break things made of glass.

Robbie

[singing] Broken glass can cut your hand and then you bleed across the land. Ask any-

Tori

We're not doing that!

Cat

Well, we have to write a song about something.

Beck

Okay, let's think. What do four-year old...little kids like?

Cat

Um...Cartoons?

Animals?

Jade

Being annoying.

Robbie

[singing and strumming] Broken glass.

[Andrè's cell phone vibrates.] Oh, I gotta take this. Back in a sec. [Leaves into the other room.] Hey, how ya doin'?

Tori

Oh, right here. On SplashFace, the top seven most popular kiddie songs are all about food.

Cat

So let's write a kiddie song about food.

Robbie

[singing and playing guitar] Oh, broken glass is not a food, so don't you listen to some dude who says "put cheese on broken glass and make a sand-a-wich out of broken glass."

Tori

What is wrong with you?

Jade

I like it.

Cat

Hey you gotta help Jade.

Tori

With what?

Cat

She can't get her boobs in the hamburger.

Jade

Hate this.

Tori

Thousand bucks.

Jade

Not enough.

Sikowitz

This is a very nice thing you guys are doing here.

Tori

Yeah, yeah. Thousand bucks, right?

Sinjin

Do another song!

Beck

(cheerfully) No!

Tori

Happy birthday Henry!

Jade

We did this for money. [leaves]

Tori

It's catchy.

André

Catchy like a rash.