There are some—I know, I know—there are a lot of people out there saying that I shouldn't be president. The NEA, the AMA, the AFL-CIO, the UCLA. And you know who else thinks that I don't have the intelligence, or the tentriment to be president? My very own campaign staff. Yeah. They have been working against me, trying to stop me from being president. Yeah. No that's right, you can boo 'em, go ahead. [people start booing] Go ahead, boo, yeah. That is my campaign chair Amy Brookheimer—she recently had an abortion! That is my chief strategist Teddy Sykes. He is an overgrown midget who had to be chemically castrated! And this—and that guy right there, that's . . . Eric something?
That's Eric Bill Ericsson and I don't exactly know what his title is, but he thinks he's better than me, and he thinks he's better than everyone in this room. And one more thing. I just found out from my stupid stepfather—
From my stupid stepfather-in-law that math was invented by Muslims . . . [people gasp] Yeah, and we teach this Islamic math . . . to children. These math teachers are terrorists! Algebra? More like Al Jazeera! Under a Ryan Presidency, I will ban this Sharia math from being taught to American children! There will be no more math. No more math! No more math! No more math! [people start chanting; Jonah accidentally punches his wife whilst fist-pumping] No—are you—she's fine!
Your particular brand of crazy is polling very high here in Florida, especially with melanoma-ravaged swamp fuckers, storm-ravaged climate deniers, and deadbeat dads... and deadbeat moms.
Yeah, don't mind if I do. That's a great idea. You know, I'm actually really glad that I happened to run into you, there's a vote coming up in the State Senate, uh, regarding pesticide regulations . . . and there's an empty seat up there. Do you know anything about pesticides?
This has been a very difficult decision, but no, I will not be running for State Senate. There's just so many things I still want to do for the good people here in Lurlene. Like my own pet issue, which as many of you know, is pet issues. And I certainly hope I'm not letting anyone down, especially my new friend Sidney.
RReporter
Are you referring to Sidney Purcell, the Con Ag Chem Fam Farms lobbyist?
Actually Dan, that did sound like a question. Yes, Sidney Purcell. Super generous guy. Offered me all sorts of great stuff, like brand new kitchen appliances . . . or a brand new hot-tub like the lieutenant governor has . . . oh but I'm not supposed to talk about that.
RReporter
Mayor Splett, are you saying that Con Ag Chem made you an offer to run for office?
No, no, no, Dan is right. Uh Sidney made the offer. Con Ag Chem is a company, it can't talk. [He laughs] Hilarious, though, talking company. Where would the mouth even be?
Jonah, your anti-vaccination message is bringing together an unheard of mix of Orthodox Jews, uneducated conspiracists and Kombucha-douching private school moms.
We gotta get the morbidly obese fuck out of Iowa. I mean, last night, I tried to find one non-chain restaurant to eat at, and Yelp basically told me to go Fuddrucker myself.
Ever since Jonah whacked me on the nose at the rally, but the pain went away in two days. They gave me 97 pills, though, so now I just take them for the going away of my feelings.
Oh, no. Jonah and I don't want any more kids until I can get my cake-pop business off the ground. Oh, and until we can do genetic testing to make sure they're not born dead.
