Alright, right now every Sunday pundit and poli sci major is treating this brokered convention like it's a big-titted college gymnast whose daddy fucked with her just enough that she'll do some dirty shit, but she can still come.
But if we doesn't pillow-smother this sad grandma of a convention lickety-fuckin'-split, we are gonna wind up with four more years of Montez clogging up the White House plumbing with tampons!
Tomorrow's the second ballot, okay? None of these delegates are bound to any candidate anymore. So it's time to get out there and start twisting some arms and pinching nipples. And, what else, Will?
And may the best man win. And may the hairiest man ziptie me to a slaughterhouse drainage grate and make tender hate to my rear and mouth, in that order, at his leisure.
Look, I love America, but it is time to face facts. This is a horrific country that is falling apart because it is full of people who are different than me! I was right, and that means I should be president!
Fuck the numbers! I will not be part of a campaign, let alone an administration, that includes Jonah Ryan as vice president! That is an entirely unacceptable outcome!
Amy, there's no safer place to stick Jonah Ryan in all of Washington, D.C. Being Vice President is like being declawed, defanged, neutered, ball-gagged, and sealed in an abandoned coal mine under two miles of human shit! It is a fate worse than death! Besides, I'm not gonna die, 'cause I've got the heart and the twat of a high school cheerleader who's only done anal!
We will have more coverage of the funeral of President Selina Meyer. But first, as someone who served with President Meyer for over two decades, I feel I'd be remiss if I did not offer my own heartfelt eulogy to a president who many feel was very underrated and deserved m... [checks earpiece] I'm sorry. Breaking news. I've just been told that four-time Academy Award-winning actor Tom Hanks has died at the age of 88. The star of such Hollywood films as Big, Forrest Gump, Philadelphia, and Philadelphia 2 passed away in his Bel Air home after a long illness, surrounded by his loving family. Husband of actress Rita Wilson and father of four children, Hanks was often considered the finest actor of his generation, an American everyman who could leap effortlessly between comedy and drama, and moved audiences both young and old. Today the world mourns the loss of this towering and beloved figure. Let's take a look at the storied career of Tom Hanks, American icon.
