Get up.
What?
Give me that fork.
What gives?
Fundraising laws. No silverware.
Yeah. If you sit, it's a meal. Which is a gift. Which is a bribe. Which is a line of prison inmates standing on each other's shoulders trying to sodomize you!
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
[Richard is about to donate sperm for Catherine and Marjorie's baby]
I've never done this before.
Well, you just go in there, and...
No, I mean I've never, ah, "shook the Devil's hand".
You mean... masturbate?
Well, "self-husband". Does it hurt?
No, no, Richard...
How is that possible?
Well, my family in Iowa is pretty religious. Grandma Splett always said that self-pleasure was a sin, like microwaves or laughter.
Do you need a minute?
No. Worse comes to worse, I'll just burn in hell, like Grandma Splett.
You're as useless as a dick at a roller derby.
[at a sheik's funeral] It's like six degrees of Al-Qaeda in here. I hope we don't drone this place while we're in it.
You are going to invite me to dinner at your house, or I am going to fuck all your shit up. And, I want you to make me the paella.
You play with the paella?
Mrs. Furlong is only interested in inviting married couples, and you and your imaginary dragon don't count.
SShawnee
I'm coming too.
Whoa, what is this, the fourth horse-face of the apocalypse? Jesus, Jonah, if you're gonna pay for sex, just add the extra two bucks for the premium edition.
Uh, this is Shawnee Tanz, daughter of Sherman Tanz.
[suddenly polite] Ah, Ms. Tanz! Rumors of your beauty have not been exaggerated!
SShawnee
Yes, he's bringing me to dinner. We're engaged.
Wait, what? We are?
SShawnee
There's a ring on hold at Tiffany's. Pick it up by six. It's already paid for.
Oh my, look at those curtains! Where can I get those?
NANyaring Ayun
I made them from my husband's death shroud.
Oh... what a touching tribute, Nyaring.
NANyaring Ayun
No, it was a purposeful desecration of a man who beat and raped me.
Well, they go with everything.
[to Mike regarding his sunscreen] You look like the world's least fucked geisha.
Ma'am, the president of Egypt is expecting your call at 3 pm.
Okay, send his mistress a gift. Maybe something from Niemann's. Oh, no, wait - any department store that wasn't started by Jews.
I will have to start one myself.
Now I'm gonna need a report on mineral rights in Sudan.
Okay.
And I have to find out, what's Qatari for "Morning after pill"?
Oh, my God...
It's probably "a stoning", which would also do the trick.
I had an aunt who transitioned twice. She was trapped inside of a man, and then that man was trapped inside of another woman.
Oh, like a turducken.
Hey, did you get invited to the Meyer unveiling?
Everyone was, unless you're a mole person who was cast out of his underground society for keistering sewer rats.
Well, I wasn't invited.
I know.
I have got a White House book that is hotter than "Nancy Reagan's Guide to Cock-Sucking."
Jesus Christ, underaged Muslim brides are less traumatized at their unveiling.
And even they don't have to drink Coke Zero.
I promise this party is gonna be so elegant.
IImogene
Very New South.
Yes.
What does that mean? No butt-fucking Ned Beatty until the after party?
We should get going. We're actually doing a "Herstorical" tour of great female Southern writers.
And where they killed themselves.
MAMohammed Al Jaffar
I am sorry for how I behaved, but everything is different now that my father has died of colon cancer, praise be to Allah. Plus, our family's got a new imam who's just a lot more chill. I mean, I could engage in homosexual acts with the entire writing staff of Charlie Hebdo, and nobody would say boo.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Veep pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.