[reading Selina's book] Are you fucking kidding? I'm not in here! I ruined her administration, like, four times - you'd think that'd count for something!
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
Leon West has Mike's diary.
What?!
Amy, you promised!
Mike, what have you and your 47 tangled chromosomes done?
I'm sorry. I'm sorry, ma'am. I should have gotten a diary with a little lock on it, but I didn't want to lock myself out.
How long have you known about this?
Since Alabama, but, to be fair, we thought we were on top of it.
We did, ma'am.
Oh really? Well, now it's on top of you, it's knocked your teeth out, and it's making sweet love to your face!
My presidency just got caught with a tranny hooker on Sunset Boulevard, and I have to make America think I was just giving her a ride home.
Hello, Jonie.
Ugh, fuck. Hello, Uncle Jeff.
Now, why do you think I'm here?
To wish me a speedy recovery?
No. Wishes belong at the bottom of a well with unwanted girl children. Actually, I'm here to thank you...
Well, fine, you're welcome for whatever.
JJef
...for shitting the urinal so badly, you made the Hindenburg look like a normal, on-time blimp landing.
Uncle Jeff, people loved the shutdown--
SHUT THE FUCK UP!! You epileptic Picasso painting!
SShawnee
Uh, you can't talk to him like that!
[imitating Shawnee] "Uh, you can't talk to him like that!" Who is this tranny knuckle-dragger? Someone you hired to make sure you don't get erections?
That tranny knuckle-dragger is my fiancée.
SShawnee
Jonah!
Her name is Shawnee Tanz, and you will treat her with respect!
Tanz? As in Sherman Tanz?
SShawnee
That's right. He's my father.
Oh, royalty. Well, then, I guess I should say I'm sorry...
SShawnee
Thank you.
...sorry that you're even related to that human melted candle who puts the "Jew" in "Why people hate Jews". Tell me this, did he sell your training bras as cum rags to the sex offenders in his prisons? Listen here, Ms. Tranz, as of today, Jonie here is down three points to that wop wonder DeVincentis, so I am pulling this Creature From The Jizz Lagoon right off the New Hampshire Congressional ballot and replacing him with his cousin Ezra
What?!
Ezra has more raw political talent in the tip of his rosy-headed pecker than you have in this mangled abortion coat hanger you should be ashamed to call your body! The people of New Hampshire are going to be so grateful to me, I'm gonna be like a disability check wrapped around a pack of no-filter cigarettes.
[to Selina on her first day as VP] Ma'am, you need to understand that the president doesn't actually want you to do anything other than continue to be a woman - which you're doing a pretty okay job at.
Holy shit, I can't believe you're actually showing that camel snatch you call a face in D.C. You're about as welcome here as Jerry Sandusky at an open call for Oliver!.
MAMohammed Al Jaffar
OK, so Lou wants to meet in Hong Kong to talk Brazil. You leave Friday.
That's so funny, because the lady who does my Brazilian is from Hong Kong.
It's Kismet.
I know, it really is, isn't it?
No, her name is Kismet.
Ma'am, I'm so sorry you lost your library. You know, last night, I dreamt that I removed Leon West's balls with an ice cream scoop, and I think I actually came.
Is everything always ice cream with you?
Just say the word, ma'am, and I will...
Amy, Amy. I leaked it to Leon.
Why? Why would you Kurt Cobain your own library?
Because, girlie, only former presidents have libraries. And I'm running for president.
[Selina opens the door to reveal her entire old team assembled in the living room]
You're... you're running again?!
The band is getting back together again!
Who cc'd Mike?
[laughing] I get it, I'm Ringo.
We need champagne!
No, Amy's Ringo. You're Mark David Chapman's bullet.
How is this even possible?
Tibet! Tibet! It's all Tibet! We are gonna ride that Dalai Lama like Mrs. Lama on book club night.
And what about Montez?
She's a Mexican who stole your job.
She did, in fact, steal my job.
Her numbers are under agua.
I can't believe this.
We're back! [to Amy] I do need to talk to you about your role. And, Mike, I need to talk to you about your role, too.
[oblivious] Sweet.
To Team Meyer.
AAll
Team Meyer!
Leon, I'm still not sure about this part, where I say, "I want to be president for all Americans". I mean, do I? All of them?
LLeon
What about, "real Americans"?
Oh, yeah, that's good. And we can figure out what I mean later.
Are you kidding me, you 80-story skyraper!
Two wheelchair guys behind him? Like we didn't get the point with the first one?
I got it.
One wheelchair guy, shame on you. Two wheelchair guys, shame on me.
I'm sorry about Catherine, ma'am. She's suffering from post-partum depression.
How can you tell?
Well, the haircut...
God, I thought my 50s would be about fuckin’ and suckin’ my way through the Shorenstein Center.
You and me both, ma'am.
You know what I would love to tell people, but I obviously can't?
Well, say it here.
I should be president because it is my goddamn turn! I was the game-changer. I took a dump on the glass ceiling, and I shaved my muff in the sink of the old boys' club! But for three years, Hughes kept me chained to a radiator in some basement in Cleveland, so as far as I'm concerned, America owes me an eight-year stay in the White House. And this time, I want a war!
Listen, I don't know if I'm ready to be a daddy to anyone who's not a sexy boho jewelry maker struggling to pay off her college loans, y'know?
I appreciate the soul-searching.
But if you wanna go dutch on the abortion or something, just hit me up on Venmo. Oh, and make it public - shows I'm a gentleman.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Veep pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.