Roger Furlong quotes from Veep

Now Maddox's daughter's gonna give him the bad news!

Furlong

"Daddy, you fucking blew it!"

"Daddy, I've never been less proud of you!"

Furlong

I've read the speech, so my friends here—oh, sorry. Guys, this is the military–industrial complex. Military–industrial complex, these are the president's flying monkeys.

Amy

Is this about the submarine jobs?

Furlong

Ten fucking points to Elsa the Ice Queen!

Kent

Should we recalibrate our language, Roger?

Furlong

It's Congressman Furlong to you, Grey Elvis, and yes, this is about, specifically, nineteen hundred submarine jobs in my district that this announcement will torpedo!

Amy

The N620's are for a threat that doesn't exist! We may as well have an anti-unicorn strategy!

Mike

And they cost 50 billion dollars! 50 billion, and I'm gonna say dollars again, dollars!

Furlong

You think the whole sub is made in one place? Because the fin or whatever the fuck, it comes from one factory in one state, and then this little round fucking window comes from another place! Right, and the fuel rods are from Cheesedick, Wisconsin! We are going to lose votes and seats everywhere, so take the periscope out of your asses and look at the warhead of shit that's coming at you!

Ben

Hey, Dobby the House Elf, we've had enough. Just get out.

Furlong

Okay. Either way, bye-bye to the Families First bill because the lawmakers in these districts are gonna Vulcan death-grip you to fuck. [makes the Vulcan salute, then the middle finger] Live long and fuck off!

Move to rule it an overvote.

Roger Furlong

Hey, Grimace. What are you... [She looks behind her] No, no, no, not you, the other person in the room who looks exactly like Grimace. That is not an overvote! You need to trust me on this, because I've been doing this since before your mother was throwing herself down the stairs belly-first. You want me to get you some glasses? Maybe I'll call in Mayor McCheese, he can come in here and explain election procedures to you?

Furlong

Do you know what the chief agricultural product of my district is? I'll give you a hint: It looks like Will's wife's clit.

Jonah

Mangoes?

Furlong

No. Tell him, Will.

Will

Green beans.

Furlong

That's why I spent two months jamming them into that lunch bill... like what, Will?

Will

Like me jamming anonymous trucker cock down my throat in a public restroom well known for that purpose.

Jonah

You are going to invite me to dinner at your house, or I am going to fuck all your shit up. And, I want you to make me the paella.

Kent

You play with the paella?

Furlong

Mrs. Furlong is only interested in inviting married couples, and you and your imaginary dragon don't count.

I'm coming too.

Furlong

Whoa, what is this, the fourth horse-face of the apocalypse? Jesus, Jonah, if you're gonna pay for sex, just add the extra two bucks for the premium edition.

Ben

Uh, this is Shawnee Tanz, daughter of Sherman Tanz.

Furlong

[suddenly polite] Ah, Ms. Tanz! Rumors of your beauty have not been exaggerated!

Yes, he's bringing me to dinner. We're engaged.

Jonah

Wait, what? We are?

There's a ring on hold at Tiffany's. Pick it up by six. It's already paid for.

Jonah

Hey, did you get invited to the Meyer unveiling?

Furlong

Everyone was, unless you're a mole person who was cast out of his underground society for keistering sewer rats.

Jonah

Well, I wasn't invited.

Furlong

I know.

Furlong

Well, we gotta go. Will's got a full day ahead of him. Tell 'em what you gotta do, Will.

Will

Well, I was hoping to finally finish my passion project.

Furlong

Which is?

Will

Rerouting my urethra to behind my balls so that I have to sit to pee, like a real girl.

Furlong

Ha!

Furlong

Alright, right now every Sunday pundit and poli sci major is treating this brokered convention like it's a big-titted college gymnast whose daddy fucked with her just enough that she'll do some dirty shit, but she can still come.

Selina

Hitting a little close to home there, Roger, minus the "big-titted" part.

Gary

We've never had a complaint, have we?

Furlong

But if we doesn't pillow-smother this sad grandma of a convention lickety-fuckin'-split, we are gonna wind up with four more years of Montez clogging up the White House plumbing with tampons!

Gary

That's not a problem for us.

Selina

Gary, it's fine.

Furlong

Tomorrow's the second ballot, okay? None of these delegates are bound to any candidate anymore. So it's time to get out there and start twisting some arms and pinching nipples. And, what else, Will?

Will

And may the best man win. And may the hairiest man ziptie me to a slaughterhouse drainage grate and make tender hate to my rear and mouth, in that order, at his leisure.

Furlong

Ha!