Selina Meyer quotes from Veep

Amy

Uh, ma'am? Quincy Carter, the editor of the New Hampshire Globe, is here to speak with you.

Selina

Oh God, that Dickensian shit-stick?

Mike

[trying to unlock a cellphone] It's password protected. Hang on. 0-0-0-1... 0-0-0-2... 0-0-0-3...

Selina

You cannot be serious.

Selina

Kent!

Kent

Ma'am.

Selina

What? Are you okay?

Kent

Kind of, in a way. And also not. And, in a third way, both.

Selina

What are you talking about? What is it? Are we at war?

Kent

Ma'am, we're America, we're always at war.

Kent

The First Lady isn't in a good place.

Selina

Oh. Hospital.

Kent

Mentally. POTUS has decided that he wants to devote more time to looking after her.

Selina

Yikes!

Kent

At any rate... he's gonna resign.

Selina

Uh-uh. [beat] What?

Kent

Ma'am, you're about to become the 45th President of the United States. It's not a dress-rehearsal, not a drill. You are going to be the president.

Sue

The oath will take place tomorrow at 12:00 noon.

Selina

Yes.

Sue

You will then acquire the nuclear codes.

Ben

Goodbye, China.

Amy

Thornhill, Chung, and Maddox are continuing on for now.

Selina

Those fuckers. God, can't we just take 'em out? Is Jack Ruby still alive?

Selina

God, there's so many people in here. It's like a Mormon orgy.

Amy

The presidential staff is merging with our staff, ma'am, so...

Selina

I want you to be my acting chief of staff.

Ben

What?

Selina

Yeah. I need all your experience, buddy.

Ben

Don't ask me that.

Selina

But I am asking you that.

Ben

It just destroyed me. I mean, I was bulimic the whole first year and I didn't even lose any weight from it.

Selina

No, you weren't. None of that is true. What are you even talking about? You told me you'd midwife me through this campaign. Do you remember that?

Ben

Yeah.

Selina

So guess what? I'm ten centimeters dilated. I'm fully effaced. I mean, this presidency is crowning! I need you! [pause] Ben, I swear to sweet Jesus Christ: if you don't do this, I'm gonna bring back Prohibition.

Sue

We have to schedule calls for the UK Prime Minister, for China, and for the Vatican.

Selina

It's like a Google Maps of ass-kissing.

Selina

Can we say that it was just an error?

Dan

No, ma'am, the entire world would notice that.

Ben

Yeah, it's terrible PR. You might as well drive a suicide clown car into the fuckin' Lincoln Memorial. [into phone] Yes, I am still here.

Sue

Ma'am? Secretary Maddox would like a meeting, stat.

Selina

No, stat. He's useless. He's a one-inch cock.

Sue

Got it.

Selina

Hey, where is this photo op, Amy?

Amy

It's at a factory that makes protective gear for firefighters.

Gary

I think that's great, ma'am. Everybody loves firefighters. Everybody wants to keep them safe.

Selina

Yeah, everybody wants to fuck 'em, too. God, I would love to fuck a firefighter. Hey, I'm the President. I can fuck anybody I want now, right?

Amy

All the other ones have.

Amy

Don't get too concerned about New Hampshire, ma'am.

Selina

I came in third, Amy. Okay? Even the Nazis came in second.

Selina

Alright, so we'll "cock-thumb" the joint chiefs. What do you think they're gonna offer?

Ben

I don't know, two, three billion? You know, maybe sell off a useless airfield?

Selina

Maybe we can put Afghanistan on eBay? Get about ten bucks for that.

Selina

Who do you think you are? Gary Antoinette? Did somebody make you First Lady, because I don't remember marrying you, Gary! I don't remember fucking you in Niagara Falls! I think I'd remember that!

Gary

Ma'am, I'm really sorry for the painting, and I'm really sorry for the spending, but you have to understand—

Selina

Oh, shut up! Just shut up! You are unimportant! And you have suckered onto me like some sort of a car window Garfield!

Gary

That is not true, ma'am.

Selina

You think you're some sort of a big shot here? Oh, my God, you are not a big shot here, Gary! You're a middle-aged man who sanitizes my tweezers! God!

Gary

You're wrong.

Selina

Excuse me?!

Gary

When's Catherine's birthday?

Selina

June 8th—

Gary

Ninth.

Selina

Ninth!

Gary

Which senator's daughter's in rehab?

Selina

You're out of line, missy!

Gary

Geldray. What are you wearing tomorrow?

Selina

I don't know!

Gary

I do, I'm your calendar, I'm your Google, I'm your Wilson the volleyball!

Selina

No you're not!

Gary

Yes I am!

Selina

NO YOU'RE NOT!

Gary

I have broken my body for you!

Selina

Oh, come on.

Gary

I've let myself be laughed at, I've let myself be humiliated, but I'm happy to do it! Most times, you don't even know that I exist, BUT I AM FUCKING EVERYTHING TO YOU!

Selina

Oh, I am so happy to find somebody else to get me my hand cream!

Gary

Okay, go!

Selina

Yeah!

Gary

Can you find somebody else who did what I did?!

Selina

You mean on Labor Day?

Gary

I didn't say that.

Selina

Yeah you did, you ju— you just said "Labor Day".

Gary

I said I would never mention that ever.

Catherine

Being the First Daughter is a big responsibility.

Selina

Good.

Catherine

But I'm happy to serve my country, and to help out my mom.

Selina

That's very good, yes.

Catherine

I love you, Mom.

Selina

Oh, no, honey. You've got to say it like you mean it, though, darling. It's so easy. It's like, "I love you, Mom."

Catherine

I love you, Mom!

Selina

Well, not like that.