Selina Meyer quotes from Veep

Gary

About the campaign, I had an idea.

Selina

[handing him a used sanitary wipe] Here you go.

Gary

Instead of doing all this pre-campaigning, sometime in the next 24 hours, you grab a mic, you say, "I'm Selina Meyer, and I'm running for President of the United States."

Selina

I'm just gonna use the bathroom really quick.

Dan

You don't announce your candidacy while the incumbent is still warm. That's like trying to bang the widow at the funeral. You would have hear start her campaign with no strategy, no money, no staff except for [indicating himself...] Superman and [...and Amy] Wonder Woman over there, just, [super-cutesy] "I wanna be President."

Gary

Ma'am, I don't know if you just heard what he was saying...

Selina

No, I didn't hear what he was saying, but I agree with Dan. I completely appreciate your ideas, Gary.

Dan

No matter how dumb they are.

Hey, I voted for you!

Selina

Thank you very much, sir! But I’m afraid you have to go to prison!

Dan

We need to pick a number.

Selina

No, I know, but I need to get clarity here. I'm not feeling it.

Dan

I was clear! I was clear! We just need to pick a fucking number, any fucking number. Give that fucking number to the fucking press, and go to fucking bed! I mean, how much more clarity do you need? You want to print it on a fucking t-shirt? Come on! [long awkward pause] I'm so sorry. I did not mean to blow up like that.

Selina

Well, um, I accept your apology while retaining the right to fire the fuck out of you. Shall I print that up on a T-shirt that I could give to you?

Kent

Ma'am, child care? Children are of no value. Forget child care.

Selina

Children are vital, Kenny Rogers. We're not all planning to die alone like you.

Selina

I've decided that I'm going to let them dictate to me. Because that is my decision. Do you understand me? I am letting them do that. Get it?

Ben

Yes, ma'am.

Selina

Right. But they do not own me!

Ben

They really don't, ma'am.

Selina

No, they don't!

Catherine

Okay. Your big day is a travesty, all right? I get it. It's like my 21st birthday, or my 18th birthday, or every other birthday, okay? Your entire life has been leading up to this moment, and as a result of that, my entire life has been awful. Posing for Christmas cards, watching C-SPAN instead of Sesame Street, going to memorials of old Israeli men that I've never even heard of. I have had a hard, lonely, miserable life, and the only thing that is gonna make it worthwhile is if I become the daughter of the next President of the United States. So you need to go out there, and you need to stop behaving like a little bitch.

Selina

Okay, sweetie, I am not a bitch, but thanks. And that jacket doesn't work, by the way. You look like a waiter.

Catherine

Goddammit. [To Gary and Dan] It's okay. Fixed her.

Gary

[holding dress] What do you think a theme, like a West Coast feel for tomorrow? I'm calling this Pacific Trim.

Selina

You know what "trim" is?

Gary

Yeah?

Selina

It's twat.

Nature is very important to Clovis. Here is some.

Selina

Well how do take care of the roots?

Oh, these are synthetic.

We have a saying here at Clovis: "dare to fail".

Selina

Well that's a job well done.

Selina

I'm taking these people back to dial-up, you know what I mean? They think they're kings of America.

Kent

Well, in a way they are.

Selina

No, they're not!

Kent

Okay, I take your point.

Selina

I know you're walking around here like you're C-3PO with a big brass shiny erection, but I've got news for you, this is kindergarten for cyber-brats. And I'll tell you something else: if you're over 30, check it out. [indicates an elderly cleaner nearby] That's where you're headed my friend, if you work here. I gotta go to the bathroom. Do they have a bathroom here, or do they put their turds up in the cloud?

Kent

Down the hall, to the right.

Selina

I hate this fucking place.

[on TV] I'm just an honest Joe, and I like to speak my mind.

Selina

[to Ben] How much would I love to speak my mind on this campaign? Can you imagine if I did that? "Mississippi is chock full of assholes, I don't trust the Chinese, and I gotta tell you something. I'm not gonna be able to pass a single piece of legislation that's really gonna make any fuck of a difference in your life." So how's that for my platform?

Ben

Got my vote.

Amy

Sorry to interrupt, um, there's been a shooting across the street.

Selina

Oh.

Amy

Yeah. Three people died, one of them was Emily Lafuente.

Selina

Emily Lafuente, the journalist? She was a vicious bitch and a fucking drunk. That's sad news.

Minna Häkkinen

I'm sorry to say, in your country you have too many guns.

Selina

Way too many. But I think we have a little problem, and it's called the Second Amendment. People think it's their birthright, you see.

Minna Häkkinen

To give guns to babies?

Selina

Well, only in Arizona.

Minna Häkkinen

I would like you to understand that in my country, politics is a lot more honest.

Selina

In your country, people fuck snow. And I hope you understand that I say that with the utmost respect.

Selina

What a fucking misery marathon that was. [Looks around] Where is everybody?

Mike

Dan had a nervous collapse, Amy's taking him to the hospital, Ben went back to DC, Kent's firing Ray, and I'm in charge.

Selina

...Fuck.

Mike

I know, right?

Selina

I should just go back out there. Did you see that?

Mike

Yeah, I saw.

Selina

Why? Why am I in London talking about my enormous jiggly-ass ass?

Gary

Ma'am, but people love people who were, like, fat, then they're no longer fat.

Selina

No, they don't.

Gary

Right.

Selina

Fat people don't even vote. They can't even be bothered to get out of the house, you know? No food in the voting booth.