Selina Meyer quotes from Veep

Selina

So you did get my final e-mail on topics?

No, but my spam filter did.

Selina

Hey, why doesn't POTUS just make an apology? I mean, I did and I was only, like, suicidal for a week.

Ben

Because he's a mess, alright. He's got a cave full of bats in his skull.

Selina

I took the heat for the spy. Don't I get any credit for that at all?

Ben

Yeah, so now we've got the judiciary committee subpoenaing us senseless, and on top of that, we got a rumour going around that says there's a challenger inside the party.

Selina

What? Who?

Ben

I dunno. One of Gaddafi's sons? They're polling better, so thank you very much for your help, but would you quit being so goddamned proactive? What are you going to do for an encore? Blow the opening day pitch out of your ass?

Selina

Ah, that's lovely. Is this what it's going to be like for the next two years?

Ben

Oh, my, yes. We are at DEFCON Fuck.

Selina

I know what this is all about. This is a political prick tease today.

Mike

Yeah, and we're about to meet a bunch of pricks.

Selina

You smell that? Money. Hey, Dan?

Dan

Ma'am.

Selina

Have you heard anything about this Danny Chung playlist?

Dan

I just caught that, actually. Some smart stuff on there, too. Nas for the young folks, some Dean Martin for the retirees.

Selina

He just got one of his butt droids to do it, which is why I want you to do it for me, okay?

Dan

Your mix is my command.

Selina

Hey.

Mike

Hi. Uh, we told everyone you were delayed. But we're gonna have to cancel this thing, okay?

Selina

No. Mike, what are you talking about? I can't cancel my destiny.

Mike

Ma'am, look at you. You're wearing a robe. Unless you want to go down there and sing them a chorus of "Look At Me, I'm Sandra Dee," you can't go downstairs.

Amy

Ma'am. Uh, how are you?

Selina

Look, Amy, watch this. Look how tiny I can make myself. Watch this.

Amy

But the donor meeting has been cancelled, yes?

Selina

I'm not doing that thing. Seriously, screw all those people. God, I hope Iran drops a nuke on D.C.

Gary

Ooh.

Selina

Wouldn't that solve a lot of issues? Except Kent wouldn't go anywhere. He'd still be around. He's like an undead cockroach with his... It's true. He's got that blank look. I bet he doesn't even have a come face. Can you imagine fucking that guy?

Gary

These flowers came for you from the Secretary of Defense Maddox.

Selina

Oh, let's see. "Good luck with your Fun Run. Try not to swear when the starter pistol goes off."

Dan

Come on.

Selina

He's just a varicose dick vein. I can't stand that guy.

Selina

Jonah, don't talk, don't stay. You need to fuck off and go back to Westworld.

Jonah

But, ma'am—

Selina

You need to fuck off.

Jonah

But, ma'am—

Selina

I said fuck off. Three fucks, you're out.

Jonah

Yes, ma'am.

Ben

He isn't going to run again in two years.

Selina

Are you serious?

Ben

No, I'm Joan fucking Rivers. Of course I'm serious.

Jonah

Hey, it's J-Diddy. Ladies get giddy.

Selina

Jonah. Hey, listen, settle something for me.

Jonah

Okay.

Selina

You like to have sex and you like to travel?

Jonah

Yes, ma'am.

Selina

Then you can fuck off.

Selina

Okay, now listen, I got this science fair thing. So I want to make my speech... a little bit more presidential.

Dan

Yeah.

Selina

Like I'm Marilyn Monroe, just JFK the fuck out of me.

Dan

Ooh, I got something.

You're not the president.

Ben

No, but you're not Justin Bieber either, are you, sport? Ma'am. POTUS is here.

Selina

Where? Has he been miniaturized?

Kent

Ma'am, my brain is at your service.

Selina

We'll see.

Ma'am, the president has left the building.

Selina

Who gives a flying fuck?

When I grow up, I want to be vice president just like you.

Selina

Oh no, you don't. You want to be president.