A character in Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps
Played by Ralf Little
Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps · 82 quotes
2nd most-quoted character in Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps: in 26 of its 82 quotes
Most scenes with: Gaz (9), Janet (4)
What is a hulk anyway?
JonnyI’m not sure. I think it’s a cross between hunk and bulk. Of course, you can’t have The Incredible Hunk, 'cos that just sounds like gay porn.
Yeah, and you can’t have The Incredible Bulk...'cos that just sounds like gay porn.
JonnyShe's a funny one is Janet, she'll do anything, things that even I find disgusting. She does things with a cucumber you wouldn't believe.
Oh yeah, like what?
JonnyThis one time, I walked into the bedroom and she was lying on the bed with with cucumber slices on her eyes and mud on her face, she's pure dirt!
JonnyI can do anything, like a panda.
Pandas can't do anything! They can't juggle or go to Aldi.
JonnyThis panda can. Grrr!
You're gonna marry me whether you like it or not and it's gonna be friggin' marvellous, okay?!
JonnyYou know, I think my proposal was better. Yours was just rude.
JonnyWell, I know Gaz wouldn't pay a fortune for something that he could only use once and think it was great.
What about when he lost his virginity to Dirty Lil?
JonnyThat wasn't a month's wages, it was two cans of White Lightning.
JonnyJanet, look at me. I'm a lost and lonely man, And I'm all alone in a- sea of nothing, with, with like, nothingness all around me, like a big lonely tyre.
Look, here's twenty quid--
Jonny[Snatching the note] --off you pop!
[Janet leaves, Jonny picks up the phone.]
JonnyGaz, pub!
[Transition shows Donna and Louise meet up]
Dresses, Dresses, Dresses!
[Transition then shows Gaz running out of his flat]
Pub, Pub, Pub, Pub!
[Gaz is motivating Jonny to carry the large keg of "beer" as he can't carry it himself.]
JonnyIt's bloody heavy! Have you never carried 40 pints?
Well, only in my bladder.
JonnyYou take it the rest of the way.
I would but...
JonnyBut what?
Well, I've...I've broke me arm [sic]
[Jonny looks at him skeptically]
Well, it's not broke, it's...
JonnyWell, use your other arm!
No way!
JonnyWhy not?
'Cos it's the arm I use for pleasuring myself... and others.
Hey, I'll coach you, eh? ... Come on!
JonnyChrist. I'm only taking it as far as the garage.
[Drill Sergeant Style] Carrying beer's what Jon does best, hoo! hoo!
His keg's bigger than all the rest...
JonnyYou twat.
[resuming his Drill Sergeant's chant] He may or may not be wearing a vest...
JonnyOh, my God.
And now I'm going to think of Jo Guest,
Jo Guest, one, two,
Big Breasts, Three-four!
[Gaz is about to open the keg of beer]
Right, I'm gonna shove it in the hole, you catch what squirts out.
JonnyDon't use language like that, not in a male environment.
Jonny, d'you want some beer, or d'you want a big, fat smack?
Jonny[Sarcastically, in a 'Gay' voice] Well, it depends what you're gonna smack me with.
[Gaz and Jonny have just opened a keg of "beer"]
Whoa, blue beer! Maybe we're the first ones to see this, we've come across a secret formula
Jonny...It's barrel wash, Gaz.
No it can't be...it's a new type of beer this Jon, woo-hoo.
JonnyWell, drink it then!
Alright, I will!
[Gaz drinks the "blue beer" excitedly]
It's absolutely delicious!
JonnyHonest? Honest, is that beer? They must put the brown in afterwards!
[Jonny drinks the blue beer]
Jonny[after a beat] ...It's barrel wash, Gaz.
I know, I thought we should die together.
JonnyWe probably need an antidote round about now.
...Shall we get a pint, then?
JonnyI don’t need a girlfriend.
Oh just come out and play.
JonnyI’ll tell em that I’m too young.
I’ll tell em that your gay
Jonnyok ill come for one pint, but then I’ll go back home.
nice one lad you wont regret it.
Jonnybut ill make sure I'm alone
JonnyCos you could keep any bitch like I'm a rich tea
Which tea?
JonnyI tell you I'm a Junkie, a flunkie,
Cruising my ass with an Oreo,
Don't need a ho.
Got my Garibaldi, not Barlow, he's gone now.
I need a Kit Kat,
When the rhyme's fat,
With the beat I can't cheat,
Can a biscuit cheat like a mother?
HELL NO!
But Johnny don't you know? Ohh-ohh
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
