Lafayette Reynolds quotes from True Blood

Lafayette

[while shaking the senator's hand] I am so happy and proud to shake the hand of someone with your values. Too often we're governed by criminals and hypocrites. Don't you agree? But I can tell you're a man of virtues and I applaud the effort you're making against the poor and disenfranchised. Especially the vampires and the gays. So many things can happen to bring down a person such as yourself. You might wanna be careful.

Lafayette

Life ain't not havin' problems, Tara. It's about bein' able to deal wit' the ones you got.

Lafayette

[leaving message for Tara on cell phone] Ring ring, hooker, ring ring. Now I know you're holing up at Sookie's, but long story short, I gots me a six-figure bucket seat cradling my black ass right the fuck now. And you got yourself my old ride. That's right. Buddha done did us a 180, he did. Now why don't you calls a motherfucker back, please?

Lafayette

Now, Sammie, before you turn into a snake or bear or some shit that I can't have a conversation with, what insane plan do you got cooking in that pretty little head of yours?

Lafayette

You look like a porn star with that tan and pink lipstick. You got a date?

Sookie

No. When I wear makeup, I get bigger tips.

Lafayette

[laughing] Yes, girl. Let's hear it! These damn rednecks are suckers for packaging.

Sookie

And I get even bigger tips when I act like I don't have a brain in my head. But if I don't, they're all scared of me.

Lafayette

They ain't scared of you, honey child. They're scared of what's between your legs.

Sookie

Lafayette! That's nasty talk, I won't listen to that.

Arlene

Do you even know what's between a woman's legs, Lafayette?

Lafayette

I know ever man, whether straight, gay, or George motherfuckin Bush is terrified of the pussy!

Sookie

Lafayette!

Ooh, what are we talkin about?!

Arlene

Hey, listen. Not everybody is gay, okay? Not everybody wants to have sex with you.

Lafayette

Oh, you would be surprised, Arlene. People you know... that's all I'm sayin.

Well, I don't wanna have sex with you.

Arlene

Me neither.

Lafayette

Y'all bitches don't know what you're missing. I got six gears up in these hips!

No, baby. You don't know what you're missing. You can watch it walk away. Make you wanna slap it?

Lafayette

Everybody know that. Everybody been there. John been there.

Arlene

Take these, baby. Peaches and cream.

Lafayette

I'll give you a little cocoa. Little cocoa. Ain't that right, John? Shit.

Tara

[throwing items at Lafayette] Stupid! Fuckin! Bitch!

Lafayette

[swinging baseball bat] Bring it on, hooker! I was all parish in high school.

Lafayette

'Scuse me. Who ordered the hamburger, [puts plate on table] with AIDS?

I ordered the hamburger deluxe.

Lafayette

In this restaurant a hamburger deluxe come with frimp fries, lettuce, tomato, mayo, AND AIDS! DO ANYBODY GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT?!

Yeah! I'm an American, and I got a say in who makes my food!

Lafayette

Well, baby, it's too late for that. Faggots been breeding your cows, raising your chickens, even brewing your beer long before I walked my sexy ass up in this motherfucker. Everything on your goddamn table got AIDS.

You still ain't making me eat no AIDS burger.

Lafayette

Well, all you gotta do is say hold the AIDS. Here. [licks hamburger bun] Eat it. [jams it in Royce's face]

Lafayette

Bitch, you come in my house, [picks up the rest of the hamburger] you gonna eat my food the way I FUCKING MAKE IT! Do you understand me? [dumps food in Royce's lap]

Lafayette

Tip your waitress. [Walks toward kitchen; high fives Jason; goes back to kitchen]

Sookie

[about yelling at a neighbor] I shouldn't have lost it like that.

Tara

Don't you feel sorry for yellin' at that snoopy old bitch. She's been stickin' her nose where it don't belong for years.

Lafayette

Say it. I mean, if she talked any more shit she'd be shaped like a toilet.

Lafayette

[looking at all of the food brought by the town] What the fuck is it with white people and jello? I don't understand.

Tara

What the hell we gonna do with all this?

Lafayette

Toss it. Sookie don't need no bad juju cooking.

Tara

Bad juju?

Lafayette

Way to a man's heart is through his stomach. That shit true as gold. You put some love in your food and folk can taste it. [picks up the cornbread] Smell this. You can smell the fear and nastiness comin' off that cornbread.

Tara

[takes a bit] Tastes just fine to me.

Lafayette

See bitch. You gonna wish you ain't did that. Watch.

Tara

[about vampires] Do you think they're capable of lovin' a person?

Lafayette

Who knows what they're capable of.

Sookie

[describing her vampire experience] It felt like... It felt like every single care or worry or sadness I've ever had was just flowin' out of me and into him. And, yeah it hurt at first. But when I relaxed, it didn't hurt at all.

Lafayette

I was always scared to let him bite me. I don't know, Sookie. I just think that when there's blood involved, a line been crossed.

Sookie

Oh, I definitely crossed a line and glad I did.

Lafayette

Well you go ahead on, hookah with your badass. Good for you. It ain't possible to live unless you crossin' somebody's line.

Tara

Sookie?

Sookie

[wakes up, medicated] Tara. You look so pretty. Like someone turned on a light under your skin.

Sam

[smiling] Hospital gave her pain meds. She's... she's a little loopy.

Tara

[in tears] Didn't you listen when I said I'd lose my shit if anything ever happened to you?

Sookie

Don't lose your shit. I'm fine. Did Sam tell you he saved my life? He turned into a dog and bit Rene.

Lafayette

[laughs] Well, shit. I'm gonna need some of them drugs they gave you.

Sam

Okay, you guys. We should let her rest.

Sookie

Sam, you should let people see the real you. Cause you're kind, brave. There's nothin there not to love.

Sam

[smiles and winks] Right back at you.

Tara

[from outside, knocking on the door] I know you're in there, even if you won't pick up the phone!

Lafayette

Damn, hooka. Shit! [gets up and opens the door, letting her in]

Tara

How come I have to hear about you being back from Sookie?

Lafayette

What else did she tell you?

Tara

That you got shot and fed on and chained up in some vampire dungeon!

Lafayette

Sookie need to keep her mouth shut and so do you.

Tara

Have you been to the hospital?

Lafayette

Whatchu think is gonna happen if I show up to the ER with a gun shot wound? I don't need the police up in my business.

Tara

You need to see a doctor.

Lafayette

For what? So they can give me drugs I already got?

Pam

[from behind him] Remember me? [as he gets jumpy] Aww, you do. How's life?

Lafayette

Not so good. Uh, is you real?

Pam

[looking around the freezer] Hmmm. This is nice. I could sleep here in a pinch.

Lafayette

What are you doin' here? I ain't said nothin' to nobody.

Pam

And I knew you wouldn't.

Lafayette

Why didn't the fuck ya'll just glamour me, huh?

Pam

Oh poor thing. We would have, but then you wouldn't have remembered that you owed us.

Lafayette

Owe you?

Pam

Eric sent me with a request. [holds up a small bottle of blood] You're back in business.

Lafayette

Oh no I ain't. I'm outta that shit.

Pam

So sorry. But you're very much back in this shit.

Lafayette

You locked me up and tortured me for damn near three mother-fuckin' weeks, 'cause you caught me selling V and now...

Pam

Now what?

Lafayette

What the fuck is vampires doing selling V anyway?

Pam

We're not. You are. Get to work. [tosses him the bottle and leaves]

[about helping Tara] If only Miss Jeanette was still alive.

Lafayette

She don't need no backwoods witch. She needs Thorazine and a padded cell.