Jason Stackhouse quotes from True Blood

Jason

[looking at himself in the mirror] Oh my God, you are even better looking than you were yesterday.

Jason

Now, I reckon I've already been to heaven. It was inside your wife.

Jason

(to Bill, about Sookie) How many times did she save your life, letting you drink her blood just like it was your own private soda fountain?

Jason

(to Sookie) You love these vamps more than you do your own blood. As far as I'm concerned you're as dead to me as they are.

Jason

(in a voicemail) Hey Sook, listen, I messed up real bad with Jessica and I gotta go fix it. I just got so bent out of shape the last couple of days, hatin' on vampires but that ain't who I am and that ain't who I want to be so I'm going to make it right. Anyway you're in safe hands with Niall. I will see you soon.

Jason

8th grade was hard as hell on all of us.

Wonder how much one would charge for something like that?

Jason

A thousand bucks.

Sookie

See, now that just makes me sick.

I know. What kind of cheap woman could ever do something like that?

Sookie

No, it makes me sick that they're getting a thousand bucks to lay there and do nothing while I bust my ass for ten bucks an hour plus tips.

Jason

[sitting in the freezer, really worried] I think I might'a OD'd.

Tara

Oh, my God. On what?

Jason

V.

Tara

You're doin' V now?

Jason

It was my first time.

Tara

Where on earth did you come across V in this town?

Jason

[hesitant] Lafayette.

Tara

My cousin is dealin' vampire blood now? God damn idiot. Well, at least that explains why I walked in on you dancin' around in that Laura Bush mask yesterday, 'cause I gotta tell you, without a reason, that was some fucked up shit! All right, let me see it.

Jason

Huh?

Tara

How long have you had the erection?

Jason

Well, how do you know?

Tara

Um, I read. You're not the first vain-ass, body-conscious ex-jock to overdo the V and wind up with an acute case of priapism!

Jason

[chasing her through the cemetery] Sookie... Sookie. Just hold up a sec.

Sookie

Why? So you can hit me again? Go ahead and tell me how it's all my fault. Tell me how you wish it were me in that coffin. I deserve it?!

Jason

I'm sorry... I'm so sorry.

Sookie

[taking a step back] Don't touch me.

Jason

I didn't mean to hurt you. You gotta know that.

Sookie

You invited Uncle Bartlett! How could you do that?

Jason

He has a right to be here. I know he and Gran had their problems. But what ever they were, it don't matter no more. That's what family does. We forgive each other.

Sookie

You have no idea what you're talking about.

Jason

Sookie, please... Please. We are all we've got.

Sookie

We've got nothing.

Amy

[entering Merlotte's] Intense! All these animals on the wall, it's like a natural history museum.

Jason

Hah! I never noticed them.

Amy

How could you not? Everyone of these animals lived a life full of experiences that we can't even imagine!

Jason

Does that weird you out? We could always go someplace else!

Amy

No, no. Everyone has to eat, right? We are all links on the universal food chain. See, squirrel eats nuts, snake eat the squirrel, gator eat the snake... and we can eat pretty much everything we want. It's the circle of life.

Jason

Jesus Christ! I wanna lick your mind!

Amy

Let's have lunch first.

Jason

[about Eddie] All I'm sayin' is Lafayette didn't have to kidnap him and I'm pretty sure he left with some V.

Amy

Hey! If you wanna make the same arrangement with Eddie as Lafayette, than have at it. This was the only thing I could think of to get you out of blowin' your first vampire.

Jason

You've done this before, haven't you?

Amy

Done what?

Jason

This! Kidnappin' vampires!

Amy

Jason, baby. You're sweet but you've gotta mellow out.

Jason

Jason Stackhouse, abstinent.

Sound good, don't it?

Jason

Not really.

Jason

[after being shot] I'm alive. Holy shit. God saved me. I'm saved.

Sarah Newlin

[holding a gun] Oh, for heaven's sake, grow a brain cell. Paintballs!

Jason

What? You crazy bitch!

Sarah Newlin

I let you into my house, into my bed, and into my heart. All I stood for, all I believed in, I violated to be with you!

Jason

Ok.

Sarah Newlin

I gave you everything for a lie! You're worse than Judas.

Jason

Why, what did he do to you?

Sarah Newlin

Ugh. Fuck you! [shoots him again, in the groin]

Jason

OOHH OHHH SWEET JESUS. OK, I'm sorry OK? Just, tell me what you want me to say, don't shoot me again...

Sarah Newlin

You came to prey on me; to ruin the sacred vow I made to my husband then like a coward you ran!

Jason

No, I didn't... Okay, I ran. But it wasn't from you. It was from your husband and his crazy weapon collection. Why'd you have to go and tell him?

Sarah Newlin

Tell him? I didn't tell him anything. He's the one who told me!

Jason

Wait, wait. Told you what?

Sarah Newlin

There are wolves in our hen house. We must defend our flock.

Jason

What's that got to do with-

Sarah Newlin

We have your sister!

Jason

Sookie's in the church?

Sarah Newlin

She came in yesterday, spoutin' the same lies you told!

Jason

Now you listen to me. She's got nothin' to do with this.

Sarah Newlin

You Stackhouses... you're nothin' but a buncha heartless, two-faced vampire fuckers!

Jason

[grabbing the paint gun and pushing her down] Don't you ever talk about my sister like that! If I find out any of you so much as touched her, I'm gonna come back here...and it won't be with no FUCKIN' PAINT GUN!

Jason

I'm goin' to Merlotte's and find out what the hell's happenin' on my turf!

Bill

Jason, if it is the same creature we think it might be, you don't wanna go any where near it. Trust me.

Jason

Mr. Compton, I ain't about to sit back and let some monster destroy my town.

Sookie

Jason, this would be one of 'those' times to use your head.

Jason

Oh I am. I ain't never been so clear in my whole life. This here, is the war I've been training for.

Jason

God, I killed a man!

Andy

No, Stackhouse. I killed him! That's what I just told Bud and that's what both of us have to stick to, 'cause there's holes in our story. Big gaping ones!

Jason

Like?

Andy

[about Eggs] Like if he was really all up in my face threatening me with a knife, how come the gun that killed him was fired from over twenty feet away!?

Jason

Well shit man. Why'd you tell 'im a story with holes in it? We gotta go back and tell him the truth.

Andy

You tell anybody anything, we're both gonna spend the rest of our lives in jail!

Jason

I don't wanna go to jail.

Andy

Than I need to see a lot less conscience and a lot more cajones and I need to see 'em pronto!