[as The Green Bastard] Boys! Green Bastard! Parts unknown! Cory and Trevor? Get the fuck in the ring!
You look good, buddy!
Green Bastard!
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
You don't wanna move the cars? Fine, boys! Well, I'm just gonna start pissin' in this general direction, and if this car's illegally parked, it might accidentally get pissed on! Everybody want to see some pissin'?
Don't! Richard!
[Ricky climbs on the hood and pisses on the car's windshield]
RICHARD!
BBernie
My car!
I fuckin' warned them three times, Barb, and they wouldn't listen to me! They don't even believe I'm the trailer park supervisor, all right?!
Gentlemen, I am so very sorry about this...
You're right Bernie, he's the epitome of refractory!
Tell 'em, Julian! I'm the trailer park supervisor here! You guys won't believe me! It's bullshit!
BBernie
Jim, let me take this one. Ricky, you and me. Come on! [grabs Ricky's arm and leads him away]
What the fuck do you wanna talk about?
BBernie
You'll find out! What you've just done, pissin' on my car, you have crossed the line with me! I've had guys throw barbecues at me, they've broke the windows out of my car, they've cursed and sworn at me! But the bottom line is: I ain't shook. [clenches his fist] 'Cause if the Right Hook comes out, crazy motherfuckers like you get knocked out. Don't be lookin' me in the eyes, boy! I ain't got no candy for you! No candy, except for the Right Hook.
Cory Braid head. He gets him set up for the clothesline... URRRH!! [clotheslines Cory] Oh my GOD! He fuckin'... Devastating! You all right, Cory?
Yeah, I'm fine.
I don't give a fuck, actually. [body slams Cory onto the mat] Get in here, Trevor! Come on!
Forget that, Bubbles! I'm goin' home! [Cory sneaks out of the ring and they run away]
[puts his hand up for a high-five] Aw, come on, boys! Boys!
[talking to his cats] Listen up, guys. I need to talk to you. I'm sorry I haven't been able to look after you properly lately, but there's just too many of yas around, your parents have been banging like crazy. There's just so many of you around right now, and I've been losing focus because I'm in a lot of fucking pain. But the pain I'm about to feel is nothing compared to what I've been feeling by neglecting you little guys. [sighs]
[upon arriving at Bubbles' shed] Cory and Trevor are fucking lazy! At least if we ask Bubbles to fuckin' fertilize the plants, we know it'll get done.
[Bubbles moans]
Shh. Listen.
[Bubbles does a distressed moan]
What the fuck's he doing in there?
YOU COCKSUCKER!
[The door flings open and hits Ricky in the face]
Oh my God, what happened?
Bubbles, you just broke my fuckin' nose!
Holy shit, Bubbles. Your face is fucked!
No, it's not that bad, Julian!
No, no, no, no, you let that toothache go way too long. Here.
I can get 'er out, it's no pr--
No, open up. Let me take a look.
No, it's no problem!
Let me take a look! Open up!
Julian!
Bubbles, open up!
[Bubbles opens his mouth reluctantly, moaning]
Oh, yeah. Your jaw is totally infected, man. We gotta take you to the hospital, buddy.
No fucking way, Julian! I don't go to the hospital, you know that!
You went to the hospital when you fucked your arm over fixing carts, Bubbles! You gotta go!
But boys, I had Conky with me that time.
Conky? Don't even say that name! I hate that little fucker!
Bubbles! Bubbles! Bubbles! I got something for you!
Oh my God! Conky! Conky! Where have you been? Oh my God! Oh my God, I've missed you! I thought you were dead for sure!
I thought you were dead too, you little bastard.
Luckily I don't need oxygen to live under water like you do. Stupid!
Julian, it's starting already. I'm telling you right now. [turns his attention back to the puppet] If you fuck with me, Conky, I'm gonna fuck with you. I'm outta here.
No, no, no. [pulls Ricky aside] Ricky, Ricky, I need your help here! We gotta get him to the hospital or he could go into a coma!
What?! A coma?! A coma? I'm going into a coma? Julian, I can't.
No, no, no, you're probably not gonna. You're gonna be fine, Bubbles!
What's it like in a coma?
Bubbles, why don't you ask Conky if it's okay to go to the hospital?
Conky, do you think. Do you think it would be a good idea for me to go to the hospital and get that fixed?
Well, I think it might be a good idea to go on an adventure with Julian and...Rickyyyyy! [disturbed giggle]
Final warning there, fuckface. Final warning.
NNurse
Can I help you?
Yes, you can. My friend's got an abscess tooth. We need someone to take a look at it.
No, we don't actually, Julian. Let's just get the fuck outta here. I'm fine.
NNurse
I'm sorry sir, there's no smoking. And is this gentleman with you too?
Yeah, I'm fucking with him. What do you mean, there's no smoking?
NNurse
And what is your problem, sir?
Well, now I can't smoke. That's my first problem. I got a busted nose which I now got a rag glued to, and a fucking truck glued to my hand. How's that for a start?
And she's fucked in the head.
Conky.
He needs a brain transplant.
[grasps Conky by his throat] I'm serious. You better fuck off.
[moves Ricky's hand away from Conky] Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick.
You've been fucking with me all goddamn day here.
NNurse
Washington, hold wide. Please, Washington. Sir, let's all just calm down.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
You want a piece of me, you little dick? Huh?
Ricky.
Don't you touch me.
[punches Conky in the face] Stop fucking looking at me, Conky!
NNurse
What is the gentleman's first name?
Bubbles.
Fucking dick.
NNurse
And what is his last name?
Uh...just Bubbles.
Get the fuck away from me, Conky. Get the fuck away from me.
NNurse
Okay. And you gentlemen all live at the same civic address?
[points to Bubbles] He lives in my shed. [points to Ricky] Ricky lives in his car.
NNurse
Okay. Any health card social insurance numbers? Is there any information you can give me?
I do have one last bit of information for ya. [sticks up both middle fingers on both his hands, with the truck glued to his hand] This is called a double whammy, which I only bring out for special occasions, alright? So why don't you and your whole hospital fuck off, you won't help me. It's 'cause I live in a car? Is that what it is?
[the boys get apprehended by orderlies and are pulled from the nurse's desk]
Fuck! Holy fuck! You guys can fuck off!
Guys, guys, guys, guys.
The fuck is this shit?! I live in a car! You won't fucking fix me up or help my friend?
Nice going, Ricky.
Fuck you, Conky.
[the orderlies throw the boys out of the hospital]
Fuck!
OOrderly
Crazy octo-eyed motherfuckers!
Frig off, Washington. [to Ricky and Julian] Are you happy now, Julian? Bubbles is gonna go into a coma and die probably, ya idiots!
Conky, please, just don't taunt.
Bubs, Bubs, don't worry about it. I'll get that tooth out somehow, alright?
[pissing on the side of the hospital] Who can go fuck whose self?! No, you fuck off, you little fucker!
Rick, who the hell are you talking to?
Fuckin' squirrel on my shoulder just told me to fuck off!
Ricky, you're hallucinating!
[pulls Ricky away from the wall] Listen, get a hold of yourself, Ricky. Ricky, you just pissed on me!
Well, you pulled me away!
Listen, just pretend you're on mushrooms, all right? Just go with it. Come on, let's go.
[while waiting in the car for Ricky and Julian to get back]
Well, well, well, what do we have here? Jim Lahey's car is at the vet!
What's Lahey doin' here?
Why don't you go find out, Bubbles? Or are you too scared?
Conky, you better fuck off, I'm tellin' ya!
Fuck off? You just remember I call the shots here, Bubbles. You got it?
Yes, Conky.
Good.
[at Sam Losco Veterinary Services]
Why don't you just off shoot your gun some more, very recklessly like. Idiot!
Did you just call me an idiot, Conky? Huh?
Maybe I did, Reveeeeeen!
All right, Reveen is taking it a little too far, all right? You little fucker.
[singing] He's the fuckin' man they call...
Don't say it, Bubbles.
Reveeeeeeeeeeeeeeeen!
That's it. I have fuckin' had it with you. [whips out his gun and points it in the puppet's face]
Ricky, you're pointing a loaded handgun at a puppet.
Yes I am.
Behind the puppet is our friend. The bullet will go through the doll and kill Bubbles. Give me the gun.
I gotta kill this puppet, Julian.
Ricky, give me the gun. Give it to me.
[Julian manages to get the gun out of Ricky's hand]
Oh, those were excellent negotiation tactics you used...Patrick...Swayze.
That's not funny, Bubbles.
[singing] Oh, my Julian, my handsome Julian- Patrick Swayze, [Julian pushes Conky away from Bubbles' face] you were so fuckin' sexy in Road House and fuckin' Dirty Dancin.
[Julian raises the gun and shoots Conky in the face, blowing his head apart, but avoiding Bubbles]
Oh my God! Julian, what happened?
[hugs Bubbles] Sorry, buddy. You were going crazy on us, man.
SSam
Smoking much dope lately, boys? You guys are fucked.
All right boys, let's dump him in.
Wait, could I at least keep his glasses and his little sweater?
No way, bad idea, Bubbles.
Come on, Bubs, let's go.
[tossing Conky in his "coffin" into the swamp[;; Fuck you, Conky.
[while searching for the "samsquamtch" that's been destroying their weed field]
Bubbles, hold the binoculars. If this thing's down there, Julian, I want you to shoot him, then I'm gonna jump on top of the cocksucker with a net, and we're gonna have to beat him with everything we fuckin' got.
[Ricky turns his attention to the camera crew]
I could need some help from you dicks, alright?
[Ricky grabs the microphone boom and brings the mic close to his face]
You hear that there, Mr. Microphone Man? If we get this thing down in the net, you fuckin' jump in and help us!
[Ricky pushes the boom away from himself, causing the sound man to drop the boom]
Fuckin' idiot.
CMCrew Member
Frig off, Rick!
Don't tell me to frig off. Thing attacks you, I'm not even gonna jump in.
[Bubbles falls down while walking down a trail]
Boys, I slipped in poop! Bigfoot poop!
[Bubbles tries to catch a look at the bottom of his shoes]
Do I got Bigfoot poop on me?
[as they find the mountain lion that's been eating their weed]
Holy shit, boys, don't move! So that's who's been eating our weed.
You little fucker. Okay, you guys stay here. I'm gonna throw the net on him, put him in a headlock and choke him out.
Ricky, put the net down. You're not fuckin' choking him out.
Why?
He's just a big kitty, boys. I can deal with this. I know kitties.
What if he has radies?
Ricky, it's rabies, with a "B", not radies. And he doesn't have rabies. He's been eating weed for a fuckin' month! He's baked out of his goddamn mind, I can tell just the way he's standing there. He only did that to Trevor because he had that leopard-print jacket on. See? He's just a big, stoned, horny kitty with the munchies! Trevor was eating chips, too! [pets the mountain lion] Who's a good boy?
You look kind of French with your little mustache there. I'm gonna call you Steve French! That's a good name for you.
Bubbles, Bubbles, listen to me. This isn't a helpless little kitty. This is a dangerous fucking kitty. You know he's gotta go, right? Remember the saying "if you love something, set it free"?
I know, I know. If it comes back, it's yours. If it doesn't, it never was. I've heard it a thousand times. But he needs our help right now, and the best thing to do is to get some weed in the fajitas, now let's do it.
This is all I got left. I'm telling you right now, I'll give him some, but...I'm eating half those fajitas. You hear me there, "Steve", or whatever the fuck your name is?
Steve French.
Julian, we found him!
Well, lock him in your shed, Bubbles.
He was down fucking around with Donny's garbage, then he pooped on the hood of Mrs. Peterson's car!
We know there's a fuckin' animal in here, Ricky. The tracks lead right to shit town. What the fuck's goin' on?
What the hell are you talking about, Lahey, you idiot... [throws Lahey's bow over the fence] Look, this is none of your fuckin' business. You know what? We all know what's going on here anyway. You're trying to fill my feet. Guess what, Lahey? You will never, ever be the fuckin' trailer park supervisor I was. Got that? [lights a cigarette] You're fuckin' losin' it, bud.
You know what, Ricky? You already lost it. It's gone, bud. Whatever it is, whatever you are, gone. He who looks into the abyss, realizes that there's nothin' looking back at him, and the only thing he sees is his own character, Ricky. You understand, bud? The abyss? The shit abyss?
Means deep stuff, Ricky. You wouldn't understand.
What does it mean, then, Randy? Huh? Fuck does it mean?
I understand it.
Oh, you do, do you? No you don't, because it's fucked. 'Cause everything you assholes say, you fuckin' take from books. Guess what? I don't steal anything from books. You guys, get the fuck outta here! [pushes Lahey into the car] Get the fuck outta here, I'm serious! [throws a net on Randy] And take your little net with you! [pushes Randy into the car]
Frig off, Ricky!
Oh, we caught a little animal, there's a big fuckin' animal in the trailer park! Fuckin' dicks. Get the fuck outta here! [slams the car door]
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Trailer Park Boys pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.