[Introducing the main segment]
What we have down here is a selection of American muscle cars. Now the recipe for this for this sort of thing was always very simple: massive engine; crude, simple suspension; very low price; and finally, [gesturing to a Dodge Challenger] some orange paint. Now, this sort of thing never really caught on in the civilised world and we thought that what with petrol prices being so high now, they'd have died out in America as well.
However, in the last few months three brand-new American muscle cars have arrived. So we thought we best pop over to the states and find out if they're any good.
Unfortunately, there was a problem. You see, we all have visas which allow us to go to America and make a factual documentary. But, since our last trip over there when I might have accidentally put a cow on the roof of my car, the American -- the U.S. state department no less -- has decided Top Gear is actually now an entertainment show.
And unfortunately that requires a different type of visa and we didn't have time to go and get one. So, in the end we were only allowed in to the country if we promised -- this isn't a lie is it?
No, this is absolutely, hand on heart...
-- if we promised not to be entertaining.
[During muscle car roadtrip, asking Richard about the features of his Dodge Challenger.]
Let me put it this way – this is like a body builder, right? Hugely impressive, but when you take it's trunks down it's Hello Mr Squir--
[On screen: To keep the US State Department happy this is censored.]
What d'you mean, you put it in a melon?
JJeremy (narrating)
James, meanwhile, wasn't even enjoying the excellent music on the local radio station.
[The radio is playing "Jessica" by the Allman Brothers (AKA The "Top Gear" theme).]
(pointing to the radio) I wasn't expecting to hear that.
[Cut to Jeremy driving and also hearing the theme.]
On tonight's programme... (laughs)
Now, tonight, we're trying to get three fast cars from San Francisco to the Speed Week Drag Races at the Bonneville Salt Flats. Usual range of problems: we've got visas which allow us to be factual, not entertaining; Jeremy has met a policeman; and James hates his car. We rejoin the action at Reno, which is, factually speaking, a toilet.
[On the Bonneville Salt Flats, talking about drivers who become obsessed with getting a record time]
[Narrating] Keen to become one of those speed freaks, I was up extremely early.
[The camera cuts to Jeremy behind the wheel]
Now, as we know, practice makes perfect. So, I'm gonna get some practice now, before the course opens... in the 'Bago.
[The RV is show pulling away from the cars, with various unsecured items falling off of tables.]
[trying to sound innocent] What?
[in bed, groggily] What're you doing?
We're up to 40 miles an hour in the 'Bago. It's James, come on!
[nearly falling off of the bed] I was asleep!
Back here on the throne! Clarkson, it's not funny! [Jeremy starts laughing]
AHH! [he throws a pillow off-screen at Jeremy]
[Jeremy parks the Winnebago as James steps out of the bathroom.]
Clarkson, you infantile pillock! [Jeremy laughs] You're tidying that up! [Jeremy laughs harder]
[During the news]
Great news! They've done an off-road version of the Dacia Sandero! [photo appears on TV screen] Don't be fooled by the Renault badge; that's the Dacia, that baby!
What the hell are you on about?
It's Dacia!... :[audience member says something, Jeremy speaks to him] It's a Dacia! I know it says Renault, I just said that! Have you got a beard in your ears as well? Or is... :[audience member replies] Why do ginger people always grow more of it on their faces? That's what I want to know.
[On discussing the V8 Beef and Brick smoothie Jeremy just put together with a 6.2litre V8 powered food blender]
We should give it a name. We should call it... Desperate Shag in a Skip.
[James drinks some of the smoothie, and immediately looks disgusted]
I've got the name for it.
[to Richard] Have you tried some?
You haven't! Show me putting it in your mouth. [Richard drinks some, and also reacts with disgust] That will put testes on your chest, that will.
[shouting] It's put hairs on my eyeballs!
I'm not sure this works! [they all laugh]
[A plywood splitter they fitted to the Avantime is on fire]
Hey, wait a minute. This is something I've wanted to do--I've worked in television for twenty years now, never had the chance yet--
Hey that's my line! That's what I wanted to say! May! May, you [bleep]-head! [chases after James]
[Richard uses a fire extinguisher on the burning splitter]
Yup. What I thought I'd do is put the fire out, and then say...
[behind Richard] Back to the studio!
