I absolutely hope that James May wakes up in the morning and ten thousand insects are in his underpants!
S12 E1November 2nd, 2008
[After Jeremy pulls up to May and Hammond with his lorry trailer on fire]
How can we be this rubbish?
[During the lorrying speed test]
Eat my Magnum!... Yeah!
Change gear, change gear, mirrors, murder a prostitute, change gear, change gear, change gear, murder. That's a lot of effort in one day.
[Reading challenge card] It says that this is a test of speed, braking and toughness all in one. You must accelerate to 56 miles an hour, drive through an obstacle and stop as quickly as possible. It says whoever does that in the shortest distance wins a year's supply of pies.
What do they mean by "obstacles"?
Doesn't say.
[pause]
What sort of pies?
[During the truck challenge, showing their 'knowledge' of their trucks]
It's um... this is the sleeper cab, which has got the extra bit on the back where you can sleep. They also did it as a day cab which didn't have that bit... so you couldn't sleep in it. Um... it's the uh...
[to Richard] He doesn't know anything! [laughs]
What colour is it, James?
What have you got then?
A lorry!
What sort?
... A big one!
Well clearly!
[Richard's cargo (an unsecured car) has fallen out of the back of his lorry in transit]
I'll be honest... I don't.. I think, like the headlamps, taillamps— 'cause I heard a clunk at that end and then a clunk at that end and then a lot more clunks and then it stopped and got smoother and smoother. Headlights are gonna be smashed to bits... I daren't look... [May looks inside] Yes I know. It's bad, I'm sorry.
It's worse than that.
[Richard and James looking in the empty trailer]
Is that bad for my points?
Yeah. But more to the point, where is it?
[grimacing guiltily] Don't know...
...So anyway, how was your car?
Car's...
Stolen! That's what it is, I've just thought of it now: stolen. The damnedest thing.
S12 E2November 9th, 2008
[During the opening sequence]
On tonight's holiday programme we go to San Francisco in California. We have a night out in Reno, Nevada. And we end up on the salt flats of Bonneville.
[During Abarth review.]
[VO] ... And if you drive it with the bonnet up it won't work at all.
[Shows Jeremy driving it with the Abarth's bonnet up]
I CAN'T SEE WHERE I'M GOING!
[On The Stig]
Some say that he invented November. And that if he had won the World Championship in Brazil last weekend, there might have been one photograph of him without his father, gurning in the back of shot. All we know is, he's called The Stig.
[describing The Stig's lap in the Abarth]
Stig still listening to Morse code, better than static I suppose ... maybe he's signalling to his home planet.
[in Morse code] I voted Ross Perot.
[in Morse code] Me smell cats.
[during the news, May is wearing a leather jacket]
[point at May] Are you wearing that for a bet?
Yeah, he is.
Yeah.
He is, ah okay.
[during the news]
And there's more fast small car news from Renault with this, which is the Mégane R26.R. And I think that looks really great as well.
Yeah, yeah, I saw that and thought o' you straight away mate. No, I thought what that James May is gonna want is a hatchback with red wheels, six point harnesses, a carbon-fibre bonnet, plastic windows. That's...
It is. And James, it's French, who you like to think of as "lamb-burning communists". It's perfect for you in every way!
How did you arrive at wanting that?
Because I like it.
Look, James, let me put it to you this way: you would have to have literally no penis at all to buy a car like that.
[looks down at crotch] How do you work that out?
Well 'cause we're always being told that the... flashness of your car is inversely proportionate to the size--is this right? Am I talking sense here girls?--So the larger the man's car, the flasher it is, the vegetable... thing goes on?
Is that right? And you're saying that to a man with a 1.2 litre Fiat Panda? [audience laughs] Mister swollen-wheel-arches Mercedes CLK Black.
He does have a point there. He does...
You've got a Ford Mustang!
Let's move on!
[during the news]
Next year, this is the good thing about Formula One -- it's coming home, as we like to think about it -- TO THE BBC!
[audience cheers]
No adverts! The only problem we got is that there are some people speculating that the, the person who's going to get the commentary job -- who's going to be the modern-day Murray Walker -- is Richard Hammond.
I've seen that in the papers. It came as a surprise!
A man who has... he's never watched a Formula One race in his life.
Err... no, actually!
You weren't even watching last weekend!
No, I was driving home.
Did you look around and think god the traffic's quiet tonight?
I did get a clear run, I must admit!
If he got the job, it really would be And they're off! And look at that idiot in the Mercedes SL! He's holding them up! No Richard, that's the parade lap.
[playing along] Wow, there's a red one in the lead, he's pulled in, what? For petrol? Well why didn't he just fill up before he left? I freely admit I wouldn't be very good at that.
He would be the worst person in the world for that job.
[looking sheepish] Well... not absolutely...
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Top Gear pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.