[During the opening sequence]
On tonight's holiday programme we go to San Francisco in California. We have a night out in Reno, Nevada. And we end up on the salt flats of Bonneville.
“November 9th, 2008” · Season 12, Episode 2
In this episode: Jeremy Clarkson (12), Richard Hammond (8), James May (6), The Stig (1)
[During Abarth review.]
[VO] ... And if you drive it with the bonnet up it won't work at all.
[Shows Jeremy driving it with the Abarth's bonnet up]
I CAN'T SEE WHERE I'M GOING!
[On The Stig]
Some say that he invented November. And that if he had won the World Championship in Brazil last weekend, there might have been one photograph of him without his father, gurning in the back of shot. All we know is, he's called The Stig.
[describing The Stig's lap in the Abarth]
Stig still listening to Morse code, better than static I suppose ... maybe he's signalling to his home planet.
[in Morse code] I voted Ross Perot.
[in Morse code] Me smell cats.
[during the news, May is wearing a leather jacket]
[point at May] Are you wearing that for a bet?
Yeah, he is.
Yeah.
He is, ah okay.
[during the news]
And there's more fast small car news from Renault with this, which is the Mégane R26.R. And I think that looks really great as well.
Yeah, yeah, I saw that and thought o' you straight away mate. No, I thought what that James May is gonna want is a hatchback with red wheels, six point harnesses, a carbon-fibre bonnet, plastic windows. That's...
It is. And James, it's French, who you like to think of as "lamb-burning communists". It's perfect for you in every way!
How did you arrive at wanting that?
Because I like it.
Look, James, let me put it to you this way: you would have to have literally no penis at all to buy a car like that.
[looks down at crotch] How do you work that out?
Well 'cause we're always being told that the... flashness of your car is inversely proportionate to the size--is this right? Am I talking sense here girls?--So the larger the man's car, the flasher it is, the vegetable... thing goes on?
Is that right? And you're saying that to a man with a 1.2 litre Fiat Panda? [audience laughs] Mister swollen-wheel-arches Mercedes CLK Black.
He does have a point there. He does...
You've got a Ford Mustang!
Let's move on!
[during the news]
Next year, this is the good thing about Formula One -- it's coming home, as we like to think about it -- TO THE BBC!
[audience cheers]
No adverts! The only problem we got is that there are some people speculating that the, the person who's going to get the commentary job -- who's going to be the modern-day Murray Walker -- is Richard Hammond.
I've seen that in the papers. It came as a surprise!
A man who has... he's never watched a Formula One race in his life.
Err... no, actually!
You weren't even watching last weekend!
No, I was driving home.
Did you look around and think god the traffic's quiet tonight?
I did get a clear run, I must admit!
If he got the job, it really would be And they're off! And look at that idiot in the Mercedes SL! He's holding them up! No Richard, that's the parade lap.
[playing along] Wow, there's a red one in the lead, he's pulled in, what? For petrol? Well why didn't he just fill up before he left? I freely admit I wouldn't be very good at that.
He would be the worst person in the world for that job.
[looking sheepish] Well... not absolutely...
[Introducing the main segment]
What we have down here is a selection of American muscle cars. Now the recipe for this for this sort of thing was always very simple: massive engine; crude, simple suspension; very low price; and finally, [gesturing to a Dodge Challenger] some orange paint. Now, this sort of thing never really caught on in the civilised world and we thought that what with petrol prices being so high now, they'd have died out in America as well.
However, in the last few months three brand-new American muscle cars have arrived. So we thought we best pop over to the states and find out if they're any good.
Unfortunately, there was a problem. You see, we all have visas which allow us to go to America and make a factual documentary. But, since our last trip over there when I might have accidentally put a cow on the roof of my car, the American -- the U.S. state department no less -- has decided Top Gear is actually now an entertainment show.
And unfortunately that requires a different type of visa and we didn't have time to go and get one. So, in the end we were only allowed in to the country if we promised -- this isn't a lie is it?
No, this is absolutely, hand on heart...
This is for real.
-- if we promised not to be entertaining.
Now listen you two: no irony, no hyperbole, no sarcasm and don't put a cow on your roof!
Can I crash into James every time we stop?
No.
Just a tiny--
No!
[they set off]
If Hammond drives into May's car, Bruce Willis will come in a State Department gunship and we shall all be killed!
[During muscle car roadtrip, asking Richard about the features of his Dodge Challenger.]
Let me put it this way – this is like a body builder, right? Hugely impressive, but when you take it's trunks down it's Hello Mr Squir--
[On screen: To keep the US State Department happy this is censored.]
What d'you mean, you put it in a melon?
JJeremy (narrating)
James, meanwhile, wasn't even enjoying the excellent music on the local radio station.
[The radio is playing "Jessica" by the Allman Brothers (AKA The "Top Gear" theme).]
(pointing to the radio) I wasn't expecting to hear that.
[Cut to Jeremy driving and also hearing the theme.]
On tonight's programme... (laughs)
Now, tonight, we're trying to get three fast cars from San Francisco to the Speed Week Drag Races at the Bonneville Salt Flats. Usual range of problems: we've got visas which allow us to be factual, not entertaining; Jeremy has met a policeman; and James hates his car. We rejoin the action at Reno, which is, factually speaking, a toilet.
[On the Bonneville Salt Flats, talking about drivers who become obsessed with getting a record time]
[Narrating] Keen to become one of those speed freaks, I was up extremely early.
[The camera cuts to Jeremy behind the wheel]
Now, as we know, practice makes perfect. So, I'm gonna get some practice now, before the course opens... in the 'Bago.
[The RV is show pulling away from the cars, with various unsecured items falling off of tables.]
[off-screen] Clarkson!!
[trying to sound innocent] What?
I know it's you!
[in bed, groggily] What're you doing?
We're up to 40 miles an hour in the 'Bago. It's James, come on!
[nearly falling off of the bed] I was asleep!
Where's May?
Back here on the throne! Clarkson, it's not funny! [Jeremy starts laughing]
AHH! [he throws a pillow off-screen at Jeremy]
[Jeremy parks the Winnebago as James steps out of the bathroom.]
Clarkson, you infantile pillock! [Jeremy laughs] You're tidying that up! [Jeremy laughs harder]
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Top Gear pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.