TTTow truck driver
OK?
OK! Yeah. ...Still, it is under four hours to Rome. ...Just.
MMan
[speaks Italian]
[subtitle: What the f*** is this guy on about?]
S18 E1January 29th, 2012
S18 E2February 5th, 2012
[During the opening sequence.]
Tonight, I do a skid. Richard steals some tyres. And James gets kicked in the face.
[On The Stig]
Some say that he's the only man in Britain who knows what B&Q stands for. And that he can't give his million-pound bonus back because he's already spent it... on French breast implants. All we know is... he's called The Stig.
[On Chinese manufacture of counterfeit products, including copying of car designs]
[on the street, wearing a host of knockoff clothes] The Chinese are very good at this sort of thing. I'm speaking to you now from behind a pair of fake Ray-Bans, wearing a fake Armani jacket, carrying a fake Louis Vuitton bag in which we find a fake iPad and a fake iPhone. And if we consult my fake Omega, we see that it's twenty-five to three. Probably. Which means it's time to pop into the fake Starbucks over there for a cup of fake coffee. It seems then that the expression "copyright infringement" doesn't translate terribly well into Mandarin.
[While test driving the XF15OZK-4]
[voiceover] Having mastered the gearbox, it was time to open up the single-cylinder 12-horsepower engine.
[Both Jeremy and James lean back unwillingly & repeatedly every time Jeremy speeds up]
The acceleration just... is blinding! It's like a safety device. You accelerate too hard, your feet come off the pedal.
Hold on to your spine. [over rough roads] Ah!
I mean, 2004, this car was launched.
If I'd shown this to you and asked you when it was built, when would you have said?
1957.
I would say it was older than me.
Yeah.
[over rough roads] Ow! Ow!
JJJeremy & James
Poor quality!
Come on, redeeming feature, James. There must be a redeeming feature.
Uh... It's character-building.
No, 'cause I mean this...
[Engine suddenly dies]
JJJeremy & James
Oh, no!
[after failing to restart the engine] I think our test drive's over.
[On Chinese Stig]
Some say he's the Stig, but he isn't. He is the Stig's Chinese cousin. [Chinese Stig kicks open a door behind them] Now, I should explain, driving is his second favourite thing.
What's his first favourite thing?
Attacking people. He does it a lot. He's constantly at it.
[Chinese Stig proceeds to attack Jeremy, James, the director and the camera crew until Jeremy and James persuade him to go into the Guangzhou Trumpchi]
That's the worst Stig we've ever had.
S18 E3February 12th, 2012
[During the opening sequence.]
Tonight, I drive around a field. James measures a runway. And Richard lays a cable.
So you're saying, the Fiat Panda's good because it crashes more easily?
[Laughter]
Yes.
[On The Stig]
Some say that he has 50,000 photographs of his own camera. [laughter] And that 60 years ago this week, he, too, became a queen.
So bearing in mind you can't jump off a bridge without breaking your back, was skydiving the perfect hobby to — to take up? [laughter]
RRRyan Reynolds
God, you're like my mother!
Old enough!
RRRyan Reynolds
Just killing me! My friends were trying to get their license, so I decided I would get my license, skydiving, and I did 12 jumps, which were all highly successful.
And then it was 13.
RRRyan Reynolds
And the 13th one, I had a problem, where the chute didn't open, and I had to pull the reserve. But the weird thing is, when you're in a situation like that, you're flying down at 120 miles per hour, and when your chute doesn't open,you seriously have to think about pulling the other one. That's the weird thing. Like time slows down and you're thinking,
"But if I pull the other one, then I'll have none left." [laughter] "So, I'm just going to wait to see if something happens."
And sure enough, at the last minute, I pulled the reserve chute, which you can't steer, and I ended up landing in a field which ironically contained only a dead horse. I don't know what omen that is. Usually, it's a black crow that tells you you're going to die, but I just landed next to a dead horse.
S18 E4February 19th, 2012
[During the opening sequence.]
Tonight, I wear a hat. James wears a hat. And Richard is behind a low wall.
This is a 1928 Le Mans-bodied 4.5-litre Bentley. Brian really does use this every day — he uses it to go down the shop for a pint of milk.
BJBrian Johnson
Go on, me son! Born to do it!
[voiceover] Despite the mangled gear changes, I was very much enjoying living in the past.
I can feel a moustache growing! God, the smell is tremendous. Hot castor oil. Well-known laxative, I'll probably have diarrhoea by the time we get there.
[voiceover] Brian, however, wasn't coping so well with living in the future.
[In the Fisker Karma]
BJBrian Johnson
Oh, Christ, now what happens? I'm getting near the bottom of me battery level, oh my word. Right, now... And... That means I have to do something, and I'm... Bugger. What... What the heck is that? I'm trying to follow James's instructions, which were as clear as mud.
[James is seen driving past in the Bentley from inside the car]
There he goes, flying by with his thumb up! He's having a whale of a time and I'm trying to figure out this computer thing.
[On The Stig]
To find out, we need a man skilled in the potent cocktail of big horsepower and little grip. And luckily, just such a man is arriving now. He's not the Stig's Alpine cousin, he's just The Stig.
[The Stig is seen arriving in a hovercraft]
Apparently he's come all the way across the North Sea in that.
[Jeremy's out-of-control Pro Rider mobility scooter is seen going down hill and eventually crashes into some trees while off camera Jeremy helplessly shouts a meme]
Fenton! Fenton! Fenton! Oh, Jesus Christ!
S18 E5February 26th, 2012
[in the news]
One place I could never understand why people stopped at was Little Chef. Because what they did was they took ingredients, and then ruined them.
I once stopped at a Little Chef very early in the morning and I said, "Can I have an omelette?" The woman said "No, I'm sorry sir, the powder hasn't arrived yet."
I once dropped a sausage from my plate at Little Chef, and it bounced. They made it out of old squash balls!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Top Gear pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.