Has anyone here seen the theory test? Anybody?
You have? Because most people of our age haven't, and none of the questions have got anything to do, as far as I can work out with driving. Now let me - can I give you some examples? [looks briefly at Hammond] You can answer this. "An elderly person... [gestures to himself] An elderly person's ability could be affected because they may be unable to...?"
Get an erection. [laughter]
[looks at Jeremy's jeans] Wear jeans! [laughter]
Funny. "Where's the safest place to park your vehicle at night?"
In a police station. [laughter]
Right, we've got a picture here. We'll bring up this picture. [screen shows school keep clear markings] Right. When - This is a real question, OK? "You must not stop on these road markings because you may obstruct... what?" [laughter]
I mean, seriously, that is a question. He's managed to fail 92 times on that one.
Those are not questions to pass your driving. Do any of them say, for instance, can you drive a car?
No, no. I'm in the book now. This is what you buy your teenage child when they're learning to drive. "At an incident, a small child is not breathing. To restore normal breathing, you should breathe into their mouth, A sharply, B gently, C heavily, D tenderly?" [laughter]
It doesn't say "tenderly"!
I made "tenderly" up. Nothing to do with driving!
I bring all this up, OK, because when did it happen that somebody decided that driving was so unbelievably hard, you can't do it while doing something else? You know like listening to Ken Bruce's pop master, or talking on the phone. Honestly, I can't think of anything that I couldn't do while driving... apart from reading a broadsheet newspaper. I wouldn't be able to do that.
You can't, you'd need to hold your wood -- [making sawing movement]
No, no, you put it between your legs. You can still operate the pedals. You could saw.
Um, sewing on a button. You need both hands to really do this fiddly --
You know you can't sew on a button with a hammer?
I know how to sew. Actually, while we're on the subject, did you see that case recently... a woman who was stopped by the police after they caught her driving down a motorway while... causing herself to have pleasure. [laughter]
I bet you can't drive in a sleeping bag. [laughter] Actually, I'm not sure. Actually, I'm going to take that back. I think you could drive in a sleeping bag if you, if you...
You couldn't drive in a sleeping bag.
I bet you - I bet I could.
I bet I could drive in a sleeping bag.
Right, there you go. Right, you're on! Some time this week, before next week's show, I'll take you on round the track. You drive in a proper cocoon sleeping bag with your arms in it...
And race me, and I'll sew a button on my shirt.
Oh let me guess... I've got to drive whilst performing an act on myself.
[laughter and applause]
We'll leave you out of it.
Can we make it a 50 yard sprint -- [breaks down to laugh]
