James May quotes from Top Gear

James

Acceleration, not nationalisation - of the banks (although obviously it's easy to make a credible case for state ownership of other industries such as utilities)!

Richard

Catchy!

James

I like that stripe so much I'd be prepared to buy the whole car just to get it.

Jeremy

Just for the stripe. Can I just offer one word of warning to anyone who's thinking of buying a Gallardo? James, for you, okay? Have you seen this?

Richard

That's...that's a burning Gallardo.

Jeremy

Yeah; have you seen this?

Richard

That's a burning Gallardo.

Jeremy

Yeah, I know; have you seen this?

Richard

That's a burning Gallardo.

Jeremy

I know, but have you seen this?

Richard

That's a burning Gallardo.

Jeremy

What about this?

Richard

Er, burning Gallardo.

Jeremy

What about this?

Richard

[laughing] That'd be a burning Gallardo! That's ridiculous!

James

So I go into the dealer and I say "I'd like a Lamborghini, can I have one that's not on fire?"

Jeremy

Thing is, though, I have to say, this is what makes driving a Lamborghini so exciting; you drive in a normal car, and it's not on fire.

James

You get the moving map in the dial. [Enthusiastically] Oh, oh!

Richard

You're not going to crash the car doing this?

James

Yes, I am!

James

And now, the news! And we begin the news with the new Lamborghini — here it is — and that has been named after their recently retired chief test driver, Valentino Balboni.

Richard

Bet they wouldn't have called it after him if he'd been named Ken Shufflebottom.

James

Actually, their new chief test driver is called Max Venturi.

Richard

No, he's not, obviously.

James

No, he is!

Jeremy

He is, he really is! That's his real name!

Richard

No, he's not really called Max Ven...

Jeremy

He is...

Richard

Nobody outside of a comic strip is called "Max Venturi, Lamborghini Tester"!

Jeremy

You don't need a driving license to be a Lamborghini test driver. You just turn up for the interview, go, "Look, I'm awfully sorry, I'm drunk and mad - but I'm called Velociraptor Clint Thrust." "Right, you start on Monday."

Richard

[on the Morris Marina that James is driving] I'll guarantee that nothing exciting, vibrant, dynamic, new, creative, hopeful or beneficial in any way to humanity has ever been done, thought of or driven to in that drab, dreary, entirely beige, wilfully awful pile of misery.

James

Oh come on its not that bad... it's well equipped. Course it isn't well equipped really - its got one dial. But its tastefully upholstered. Of course it isn't tastefully upholstered really - it's brown. But the seats are velour and look how nicely it's worn!

James

Come on! Nobody gives a pig's arse about all that diesel stuff. (Crowd Laughs) It's the new XJ; the important question is “Is it a proper Jag?”

Jeremy

Now what you mean is “Is this car slightly caddish?” Is that what you actually mean?

James

(nods) Yes.

Jeremy

Is the person who drives it a bit... um, what's the word? Im not quite sure how to sum it up, but it's the sort of person who would go away for a weekend with his wife to a hotel, to some romantic place, and spends the entire night... flirting outrageusly with the waitress. And it's okay because he's got a “Jaaaaag.”

Richard

That's the Jag driver; he'd get away with anything! (Changes tone) I'm terribly sorry, I ran over your dog. (Whimpers) ...in my “Jaaaaag.”

James

Is it fair to say? Do you think that no “Jaaaaag” driver is ever entirely trustworthy, but it's in a really nice likeable way?

Jeremy

Yes! If you would go to a prison, forget the sort of "stabbists", and you know the stranglers. The ones who are in there for a bit of Tax Dodging...

James

Yeah.

Jeremy

I bet eighty percent have got “Jaaaaags.” (Crowd laughs) You know what I mean now?

Jeremy

You got a Jag? Who here's got a Jag? (Stands up then points at someone who responded) You got a Jag? Look at him!

Richard

Yup, he's a Jag driver.

Jeremy

He goes away with a sort of girl for a weekend, and then goes... “Awfully sorry...”

Richard

... bit of an issue with the wallet.

Jeremy

“Would you mind awfully settling this while I go warm up the “Jaaaaag?”

James

That's, actually, that's not the worst bit about those, those six-seater cars, because it could be worse if you had your wife in the front, and both daughters, and you sat in the back.

Jeremy

[sympathetically] Ohh.

James

No, but you do see that occasionally. You see the mother in the front, and then, and then there's a bloke sitting in the back seat.

Richard

On his own.

Jeremy

It's tragic.

James

There's nothing more pitiable.

Richard

Pathetic.

Jeremy

It's the most pitiable sight you can see.

James

She's effectively saying, "You've given me the baby, now get in the back."

Richard

[nodding] Yeah.

Jeremy

[stares at James for a moment, then bursts out laughing]

James

[realizes what he said, points at the camera]... No.

Jeremy

Uh, that... concludes the news, OK? [looks at James and bursts out laughing again, this time taking Richard with him]

Richard

Last week a piano was accidentally dropped on a Morris Marina as we were filming it.

Jeremy

Last time this happened the Morris Marina Owners' Club, which is like the provisional wing of the "Morris Men", is absolutely furious.

James

Actually, there's been a lot of activity on a Morris chatroom: "I'm going to send an e-mail to the BBC and I don't care if they don't read it."

Jeremy

Now, that's what they said last time, okay. This time - getting worse. They say they're gonna get physical. I'm quoting now, one of them says (and I'm not making this up): "If I see Jeremy Clarkson in the street, I will poo into my hand and throw it at him."

Richard

[incredulous] What, they'll poo into their own hand?! That's a stupid way of getting someone! That's like an assassin lining up on the target and then shooting them through his own head! Bang!

James

I'm not convinced by that, though, because I think electricity is a mystery.

James

It is! No--I don't actually believe in it.

Jeremy

You don't believe in electricity?

James

No, nobody really understands it.

Jeremy

[Indicating James] What you are witnessing here is Asperger's made real.

James

[Confused] Is that what makes my wee smell funny?

Jeremy

No--! [He laughs]

James

[Laughing as well] Oh no, that's asparagus!

Richard

If you haven't got the interest, you can't do it...you shouldn't be allowed to do it.

Jeremy

No, exactly. I mean, it would be like asking him [points to Richard] to cook Sunday lunch. Could you cook a Sunday lunch?

Richard

Yeah, you... boil the meat or whatever... no, I'm not--

Jeremy

You see?

Richard

I'm not interested in food so I'm not interested in cooking.

Jeremy

There you are, you see? You wouldn't ask him because he's not interested to cook you any food, you wouldn't ask me to do the washing up, you wouldn't ask James to... direct a porn film.

James

Well, hang on. You say that, I think I'd actually direct quite a good porn film.

Jeremy

If you directed a porn film, it would be you arriving at the house of the woman in the stockings and you'd go [takes on a deep voice in imitation of James] "I've come to fix your boiler". And then you'd just fix it.

James

[considering] Might be. What's wrong with that?

Jeremy

What do you think of that?

James

It's rubbish.

Jeremy

Why is it rubbish?

James

It's not funny, and it's not true. We've been to see those clever blokes in the agency, they've told us what VW advertising is like. How can you hint at 55 miles to the gallon with an explosion?

Jeremy

Well what have you got?

Jeremy

[voiceover] For miles, our convoy ruled the road. But then...

Jeremy

Oh, my God! Look here!

Richard

What's that?! Wha...?

James

That's the Dacia Sandero!

Jeremy

I'm going to see if I can hold on to the back of it.

James

The 1.2 16-valve... that thing can shift!

Jeremy

Come on! Keep up with the Sandero!

Jeremy

They say each fan is going to be limited to just 24 cans of lager each per day.

Richard

[sarcastically] Just 24?

Jeremy

24 a day, no more than that.

James

And Australians, don't think you can get round this by switching to wine, because that's limited as well... to four litres a day.

Richard

It's got a very clever gearbox, it's called the... *stumbles*

Jeremy

Is it German?

Richard

It's a German name, it's really complicated..

Jeremy

Oh God..

Richard

So can I just spell this out, it's a D, O, P, P, E, L.. K.. U.. P, P.. L... U... N, G... S.. G.. E, T, R.. I, E, B.. E.

Jeremy

Do you know what that means? You speak German.

James

I do.

Jeremy

What's the only German you can say?

James

Aber ja, natürlich Hans nass ist, er steht unter einem Wasserfall.

Jeremy

What's that mean?

James

"Naturally Hans is wet, he's standing under a waterfall."

Richard

Ok...

James

I use it all the time.

Jeremy

Some say that in the autumn, all his arms go brown and fall off. And that if he wrote you a letter of condolence, he would at least get your name right. All we know is, he's called the Stog.

James

You mean the Stig.

Jeremy

That's what I said. I said it!