Tonight. The fastest man in the world on our track. The slowest man in the world falls asleep. And we literally set fire to Dorset with a machine gun.
“July 12th, 2009” · Season 13, Episode 4
In this episode: Jeremy Clarkson (9), Richard Hammond (4), James May (3)
[On the powerful, front wheel drive, Ford Focus RS]
Asking the front wheels of a car to do their normal job of steering while handling, let's say, more than 170 brake horsepower is like asking a man to wire a plug while juggling. Penguins. While making love. To a beautiful woman, while on fire, on stage, in front of the Queen. It's all going to go wrong.
[On cornering]
Eventually, you will slide wide. But only after your face has come off.
[On The Stig]
Some say that he is absolutely baffled by urinals. And that on reflection this was a bad week to launch his debut single. It's a tribute, to Farah Fawcett. All we know is he's called The Stig.
You don't need a driving license to be a Lamborghini test driver. You just turn up for the interview, go, "I'm sorry, I'm drunk and mad but I'm called Velociraptor Clint Thrust." "Right, you start on Monday."
[Jeremy, James and Richard are talking about the new Lamborghini Gallardo Balboni]
I like that stripe so much I'd be prepared to buy the whole car just to get it.
Just for the stripe. Can I just offer one word of warning to anyone who's thinking of buying a Gallardo? James, for you, okay? Have you seen this?
[A picture of a Gallardo on fire appears on the screen]
That's...that's a burning Gallardo.
Yeah; have you seen this?
[Another picture of a Gallardo on fire appears...]
That's a burning Gallardo.
Yeah, I know; have you seen this?
[...and another...]
That's a burning Gallardo.
I know, but have you seen this?
[...and another...]
That's a burning Gallardo.
What about this?
[...and another...]
Er, burning Gallardo.
What about this?
[...and one of a Gallardo that's almost totally destroyed by the fire]
[laughing] That'd be a burning Gallardo! That's ridiculous!
So I go into the dealer and I say "I'd like a Lamborghini, can I have one that's not on fire?"
Thing is, though, I have to say, this is what makes driving a Lamborghini so exciting; you drive in a normal car, and it's not on fire.
How many children said, "Dad, can we please go to the Goodwood Festival of Speed 'cause I really wanna see a zero-emission Renault van"?
Yes, how many of those kids went back to school the next day, "Did you see the chrome-plated Bugatti?" "No, but I saw a Renault van with green windows! Yeah!"
[On Porsche Panamera's satellite navigation]
You get the moving map in the dial. [Enthusiastically] Oh, oh!
You're not going to crash the car doing this?
Yes, I am!
[Jeremy comments on Usain Bolt's 2008 Olympic 100m dash]
You set a world record with your shoelace undone.
[Jeremy reads out Usain Bolt's quote on the day of the 2008 Olympic 100m dash]
It said, "I didn't have breakfast, woke up at 11:00, sat around watching TV, then had some chicken nuggets..." [Laughter] Oh, no, it gets better! "Slept for two hours, then went back and got some more nuggets." [Laughter]
And now, the news! And we begin the news with the new Lamborghini — here it is — and that has been named after their recently retired chief test driver, Valentino Balboni.
Bet they wouldn't have called it after him if he'd been named Ken Shufflebottom.
Actually, their new chief test driver is called Max Venturi.
No, he's not, obviously.
No, he is!
He is, he really is! That's his real name!
No, he's not really called Max Ven...
He is...
Nobody outside of a comic strip is called "Max Venturi, Lamborghini Tester"!
You don't need a driving license to be a Lamborghini test driver. You just turn up for the interview, go, "Look, I'm awfully sorry, I'm drunk and mad - but I'm called Velociraptor Clint Thrust." "Right, you start on Monday."
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Top Gear pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.