A character in Top Gear
Played by James May
Top Gear · 1,774 quotes
3rd most-quoted character in Top Gear: in 559 of its 1,774 quotes
Most scenes with: Jeremy Clarkson (323), Richard Hammond (261)
[Jeremy, Richard and James are beginning on the news.]
Now as we know, to try and shore up the car industry, the Government recently announced that if you scrap your old Singer Gazelle, you get £2000 off the price of a new car.
JamesBut why is it just cars?
What are you suggesting; "Dear The Government, I've just found some rancid bacon in the back of my fridge; can I have a big pile of money to buy a shiny new lobster?"
[During the news, discussing the Skoda Fabia Scout]
...so presuming that it comes with a 10p piece, bit of string in the glove box, and it pitches up on your doorstep every year to ask for a pound to clean itself.
JamesSo I supposed that every summer it goes off and sort of stays in the countryside somewhere, and is... touched inappropriately.
[crowd laughs]
No, no James. [crowd continues laughing] No, no James. That's the Skoda Catholic Church.
[Jeremy is about to discuss a car smaller than the Peel P50.]
Now, we have some bad news.
James[dryly] Dacia Sandero.
[firmly] No, not the Dacia Sandero.
Get off topic, just for a moment; you see, I was driving down here this morning and I couldn't help noticing that my Mercedes just said on the dashboard [puts on bad German accent] "your service is due in tventy-six days". [resumes normal voice] I just thought "How Germanic and boring is that?"
[whispering] ...and precise.
And then I was thinking "What's going to happen on the twenty-seventh day when inevitably I still haven't had it serviced?"
James[in bad German accent] Cooler, sree veeks... Mezzr. Clarkson...
Well there's a Top Gear top tip right there. If you're a 17 year old boy and need car insurance, slice your penis off.
I would've done.
JamesI did. [Richard and Jeremy laugh out loudly]
JamesYup. I nearly did.
[After Richard and James arrive at the school with their used cars]
[Narrating] And then, a geography teacher arrived.
[The "geography teacher" is, in fact, Jeremy, who is driving a beige Volvo 940 estate]
JamesGod above, I thought that was one of the teachers!
[Laughing as Jeremy gets out of his car] I'm sorry, I'm 17, "Happy birthday, son!" [Richard fakes crying for a moment]
[Completely serious] Perfect car for any 17-year-old.
Why?
Why?
Yes!
My turbo!
It is a low-pressure turbo.
[To James] What have you got?
JamesI've got a Golf.
Has it got a turbo?
JamesNo.
[Talking about his own car] They did do a turbo--
What is that?
That's a Hyundai S-coupé, and they did do a turbo.
JamesNot on this one.
No, not on this particular one.
So you turn up, at the school, here's my turbo. There's another very important issue that we must address: The most precious thing in your life, your child, speaking as a parent, is sitting in that seat, yes?
Yes.
[Indicating the hood] Look at the amount of metal between him and the tree he will inevitably hit!
James[Reading from the first challenge card] You must now imagine that you are 17...
Yes.
James...and modify your cars accordingly, in order to do what any 17-year-old boy wants to do: attract girls!
[Laughing at Jeremy] You've had it! Well look at your beige Volvo!
Just--get on...
James[Continuing] Your budget is whatever you have left from your original £2,500.
[To James] So how much have you got?
James300 quid.
[To Richard] You?
500 quid! You?
...naught.
[commenting on the furore over North Korea's nuclear tests]
JamesWhy would the Koreans nuke Hammersmith?
They used American guidance systems?
[James has sent the supermarket trolleys flying with his handbrake turn, but the teenage girls are paying no attention.]
They're hot for James May right now!
[Jeremy laughs loudly.]
JamesI might as well have cut my penis off for all the good that did.
[Richard has crashed his car. Jeremy runs over to it and opens the door.]
You alright?
[After hearing no answer from Richard, he closes the door again.]
[mournfully] Dead.
JamesReally?
Yeah... [sniffs] Yeah. Anyway, er...
JamesBack to the studio.
[indignantly] That's my line!
[Later, in the studio...]
[gently] Luckily, children, I got better; you may not be so lucky.
James[also gently] Yes, it's like my penis: that grew back. Yours might not.
Guys! Problem!
JamesWhat?
I've shoved my anarchy flag through my water lilo!
Nobody's ever said that before.
[during the news]
As men, we all know that you should never, ever buy a woman something with a plug on it. Yeah? We know that.
JamesI did.
What?
JamesI did.
You bought your girlfriend an electrical appliance.
JamesYeah, I got her a power drill.
James! James, she's a ballet correspondent.
JamesWell, that's what she wanted! She said "I want that power drill," so I got it for her!
No, she said that, James, but - do you know nothing? Women say they want a power drill, but they don't, they want soap. Women always - they do!
JamesYeah, but it's impossible to buy soap for a woman.
Eh? No, hang on, soap's soap. You can't -
Oho!
JamesHah!
Whoa ho! Did you hear that, girls? "Soap is soap."
Well, it is! It's just -
Go on, then, buy your wife some Swarfega.
Well, that's great! That's an effective cleaning agent! She'd be chuffed, I'm sure!
However. The worst thing you would ever have to buy, ever have to buy a girl is a handbag.
That's pretty bad.
Because, even if by some miracle you got the right colour, it would be the wrong shape, it wouldn't have the right number of pockets, it would be last season's handbag-
JamesIs there a season for handbags?
[laughter]
Did you hear? Is...oh yes!
JamesWhat, there's certain times of the year I can shoot handbags and it's okay?
Yep.
[more laughter]
No, the fact is, okay, my wife has a handbag; I kid you not, it is this big. [holds up paper cup] And in it, she'll go, "I've lost my mobile phone! Ring it! Ring it, ring it! And you'll say, "If it's in there, you must be able to see it-", "I can't see it!"
[During the car sauna clip]
Given that we are made of ... what percentage of us is water?
98%.
JamesOr less.
Water that evaporates. So what we are breathing is each other...
[Jeremy looks horrified and James looked disgusted]
[After showing the car sauna clip]
Gordon, if you're watching, and you're probably not, if you go to set these ridiculous, er, heatwave level alerts...what was it we got up to?
Sixty-two.
[continuing his speech] ...Sixty-two degrees is your bottom.
Yeah, it gets a bit toasty...
A bit uncomfortable.
How about that?
Yeah.
JamesActually, Gordon, there's something else I've discovered in that test, if you're watching. And that is... I know when I'm too hot.
I don't need the Government to tell me to have a drink of water and put suncream on. Leave - us - alone!
[After James has done a lap with a St Bernard dog in the car]
Oh, that is a miserable-looking dog.
Aww! It's making me sad just looking at him!
James[indignantly] That's his normal face!
That's the saddest-looking spectacle I've ever seen, and it's your fault. If you're from the RSPCA, write to us at 'James May is a Bastard, BBC Top Gear, London'.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Top Gear pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
