James May quotes from Top Gear

Jeremy

We wanted to hit James over the head with a hammer, but the kids beat us to it.

James

[being hit by a child with a rubber hammer] Ow, ow, ow...

Richard

I can't wait to see their new car. Don't worry about bothering with all that carbon fibre, I made mine out of steel. Steel!

Jeremy

Stainless steel. [putting on accent] I tell you what, if that Fernando Alonso twats into our car, his Ferrari'll be buggered. I'll tell ye that for nowt.

James

Funny, my dad worked in pit, and now I've got a job in pit.

Jeremy

They're replacing T'oyota and they've sang' Timo Glock, who presumably is currently learning why it's important to punch anyone who looks at 'im funny.

Jeremy

Criminals! Would you like to get away with your crimes? Are you capable of running more than a hundred yards? Well, good news!

James

I don't want the police to crack down on CO2. I want them to get my bloody television back, because it's been six years since that was nicked and I haven't heard a peep out of them whilst they've been going on about cracking down on CO2. I'm going to have to buy another one at this rate.

Jeremy

What were you stopped for the other day? By a policeman. It was some motoring misdemeanour. He just turned around and said "Oh good, this must mean you've found my television."

James

I think that makes perfect sense, doesn't it? 'Cause whenever I drive a really nice, exciting car, I always get like a nice little... fizzing sensation.

Jeremy

Where is this fizzing sen -

James

Well, it's not actually in my penis, but it's - but it's sort of just behind it.

Jeremy

... A fizzing sensation just behind your penis.

James

Yeah.

Jeremy

So isn't that the pit of your stomach?

James

No no no, lower down than that. Sort of right be -

Richard

That's your prostate, mate, you've sat on the gear lever.

Jeremy

So, James, this generator is charging the batteries as we drive along?

James

Yeah.

Richard

Well, that's brilliant! It's a hybrid! We've built a Prius.

Jeremy

You don't think the producers are messing with the subtitles, do you?

Richard

No, they wouldn't do that!

Jeremy

Let's move on, and do the Pendulum Test. This is designed to measure how well a car will stand up to being sideswiped by a bus or a truck.

Jeremy

Frankly it was hard to see how we could possibly pass this, but then James came up with a plan. [The three are shown standing by their car, which is sitting next to the lowered pendulum] A plan that would fool even the most astute EU bureaucrat.

Action!

Jeremy

Wow!

James

Wow!

Richard

Wow!

Richard

Tuo kool!

Jeremy

So, now our car is going to face the fearsome Pendulum Test.

Richard

[slurred] Look out!

Richard

Wow?

James

Wow?

Jeremy

Wow? [voiceover] Wow, indeed. Another pass!

Jeremy

James? How long, realistically, are you expecting that to keep going?

James

Well, I've topped up the genny tank, so that's eight hours on the generator, and that fully charges the battery as well, so you get another hour out of those, just the batteries.

Jeremy

So realistically, you're looking for nine hours of running.

James

Yeah.

Jeremy

What's happened there is...

Richard

Well, the Stig's died.

Richard

Um... it says it the ride and handling section where they deal with things like the chassis, "that to all intents and purposes the Hammerhead i-Eagle Thrust has no ride or handling as such, instead it lurches around almost uncontrollably."

Jeremy

Oh, God Almighty. No, it gets worse. OK, they say that in the Highway Code, they say that the stopping distance from 70 miles an hour is 215 feet, but our car stopping from 30 miles an hour took 506... 549 feet.

Richard

Well, who's really going to do that in the real world?

Jeremy

It's ridiculous.

James

[reading] "The styling is unlikely to win fans amongst those of us blessed with the gift of sight."

Richard

########!

James

What do people who review cars actually know?

Jeremy

Exactly.

James

I mean, think about it for a minute: the car turns up, it's delivered, it's free, they haven't had to invest any money or time or any of that; they just drive it around for a bit, then they—

Jeremy

[scornfully] Car reviewers, hmph..

James

—write rubbish!

Richard

Anybody can criticize. Try making something and then reading things like: "Try to regain front end grip by braking and the fronts will simply lock, at which point you will crash." That could hurt sales!

...Not really aware of your intentions, but, ah... you've strayed into the controlled airspace of Norwich Airport.

James

I may be about to get a colossal aviation bollocking.

Jeremy

And so, belting down the M1, you arrive in Leicestershire, and there is a 20-mile set of roadworks there--20 miles--which have average speed cameras set at 50mph for the entire length. Traffic's light, there's no rain, it's three lanes, but you're forced to do 50. Now, I don't know who the Minister of Transport is, but I want him to find the man who came up with that idea, go round to his office on Monday morning and punch him really hard in the upside of his testes. Just-- [mimes punching someone] --bumff. 'Coz if he doesn't, I'm going to find the man, and I'm going to attach him to a milling machine, and I'm gonna see if it's possible to turn a man's frank into a perfect cube. [audience laugh] Do you know why they have the 50mph speed limit? To protect the workforce... who weren't there! They were in bed, where I wanted to be!

James

No, I agree, I agree with you entirely, but the answer is not cubing people's heads. The answer is, when the workforce isn't there, do 70.

Jeremy

Well, you're just gonna get nicked.

James

No, but if everybody does 70--

Jeremy

Okay, who here would just do 70 through a set of roadworks with an average speed camera? [only James puts his hand up] Nobody, James! You go charging through and you're just gonna get booked!

James

No, but that's fine, but you can test it; stay at 70, because that's the speed limit, take it to court, in front of the jury, and you argue, correctly, that it is wrong to apply a 50mph speed limit when there's no-one there to protect.

Jeremy

So you're saying it's logic.

James

It is logic.

Jeremy

It's logic to kill Nelson Mandela.

James

No it isn't.

Jeremy

It is. No, it is, but you can't do it.

James

Killing Nelson Mandela is a grey area. But doing 70mph on the motorway--

Jeremy

What, is it black or white?

James

--is an absolute.

Jeremy

How many people went on that anti-war march? A million. We went to war. How many people went on the countryside march? 400,000. And fox hunting was still banned. The Government's not interested in the will of the people, particularly if it's just one pedantic long-haired old queen standing up in court saying, "Oh, I did 70 'coz it's logical."

Richard

You're absolutely right, speed limits on motorways can be a pain, and there's two solutions outlined for you. [points to James] A revolution... [points to Jeremy] ...or cubing people's heads. Alternatively, you could just... leave a bit earlier?

Jeremy

No, cube their heads!

Richard

Get up five minutes earlier.

Jeremy

I haven't got five minutes!

James

It's not five minutes anyway.

Jeremy

It's five minutes a day, if you have to commute-- anyone here from Leicestershire? Is anyone here? [a man puts his hand up] How did you get here--Jesus! [the camera centres on the man, who does indeed look like Jesus] Jesus is from Leicestershire! He is Jesus! Come here, Jesus! Come and join me!

Jeremy

Congratulations for--

Thank you.

Jeremy

It's slightly bigger news than the M1, but nevertheless, we'll gloss over the Second Coming... do you commute on that bit of road?

No, I go the back way.

Jeremy

Because of that [the roadworks]?

Yeah.

Jeremy

So how much is it adding to your transport every day?

Uhh... about ten minutes, quarter of an hour.

Jeremy

Ten minutes a day? That's--

I ride a donkey each way.

Jeremy

Each way, five days a week?

Yeah.

Jeremy

So that's an hour and forty minutes a week the Government is stealing from Jesus!

That's right.

Richard

Now that is a small point, that--

Jeremy

Thank you for sharing that with us.

Jeremy

Gordon Brown is stealing an hour and forty minutes from Jesus!

Jeremy

And here is the really amazing bit. This is what's called a "self-replenishing drinks cabinet". For the first year you own the car, when your drink supplies are getting low, they come 'round and top them up free of charge!

Richard

Wow! Wow!

James

Do I have to buy the car, or can I just have the self-replenishing drinks cabinet?

Jeremy

Honestly, I tell you what: if I bought this car, the diesel in the tank after one year would be exactly the same as it was when it came.

Richard

You'd still be in the same field. I tried drinking the diesel but then the man arrived with more champagne! I just want one of those!

Jeremy

No, it is. I mean really and truthfully, this is the car to buy if you are sensible... or if you're a drunk!

James

Look at this! It's a fork on one end and a 10mm ring spanner on the other!

Richard

[Pointing at James] And the best thing is, there is another spanner in the middle, look!

James

Why are you drunk in all the pictures?

Richard

Well, I don't know, I haven't seen - looks like all the pictures were taken coming out of awards ceremonies, so yes, I probably was drunk.

Richard

[pointing to James' utility belt] What's all this?

James

That is my belt of many things.

Richard

Are these all stuff for...

Jeremy

[interrupting] What is that?

James

Don't touch it. That is a dental healthcare kit.

Richard

What's this?

James

Don't touch it, just ask. That, is a shoe polishing kit.

What?!

James

It's a shoe polishing kit.

Jeremy

Well thank God for that. If we get hungry, we'll be able to eat his Kiwi boot polish.

Richard

Basically, what you've done is bought My First Explorer Kit.

James

[Jeremy inspects the rear of the belt] Don't touch it!

Jeremy

[voiceover] Having rescued a man from the ooze, the mighty Range Rover would now rescue the little Suzuki.

Jeremy

It's only an ounce to pull.

James

Please be gentle with this, Jeremy, and not a yob.

Jeremy

POWEEERRRRRRRR!!!