Tonight, Richard has a crisis. Some sheep on our track. And James and I go to the lavatory.
“August 2nd, 2009” · Season 13, Episode 7
In this episode: Jeremy Clarkson (8), Richard Hammond (3), James May (3)
Yes, and welcome to the final show in the series.. [Crowd shows disappointment and sighs] Sad.
[On The Stig]
Some say, that he cut that man's hair [pointing at the man in audience].
Now, eh as I'm sure you know, we don't often do consumer advice on this show, but tonight, we are. Because you see, if you were in a market, for large, fast, spacious, executive saloon cars, you'd imagine, that you'll be spoiled for choice. Me too. However, Richard Hammond, who is quite mad, has decided that every single one of them has a fatal flaw.
[Richard Hammond explaining the name of the Vauxhall VXR8 Bathurst]
This car is Australian, and the Bathurst is Australia's most famous race. Basically, it's a place where Holden and Ford fans go to have a massive fistfight, and then in the interval, when the paramedics go in, sometimes a car race breaks out.
[Richard Hammond commenting on the VXR8 Bathurst
I'm sorry, if this car doesn't move you, that is your problem, not the car's. Just the fact!
[During the News, after concluding that throwing a G-Wiz electric car into a river would be safe for the fish]
I'm not convinced by that, though, because I think electricity is a mystery.
[Jeremy rolls his eyes and looks at the audience]
It is! No--I don't actually believe in it.
You don't believe in electricity?
No, nobody really understands it.
[Indicating James] What you are witnessing here is Asperger's made real.
[Confused] Is that what makes my wee smell funny?
No--! [He laughs]
[Laughing as well] Oh no, that's asparagus!
[During the News, about forbidding people not interested in cars to drive]
If you haven't got the interest, you can't do it...you shouldn't be allowed to do it.
No, exactly. I mean, it would be like asking him [points to Richard] to cook Sunday lunch. Could you cook a Sunday lunch?
Yeah, you... boil the meat or whatever... no, I'm not--
You see?
I'm not interested in food so I'm not interested in cooking.
There you are, you see? You wouldn't ask him because he's not interested to cook you any food, you wouldn't ask me to do the washing up, you wouldn't ask James to... direct a porn film.
[The audience laugh as Jeremy looks very matter-of-fact]
Well, hang on. You say that, I think I'd actually direct quite a good porn film.
If you directed a porn film, it would be you arriving at the house of the woman in the stockings and you'd go [takes on a deep voice in imitation of James] "I've come to fix your boiler". And then you'd just fix it.
[considering] Might be. What's wrong with that?
[Talking about Jeremy's 1st VW ad featuring a Scirocco Diesel and some explosions]]]
What do you think of that?
It's rubbish.
Why is it rubbish?
It's not funny, and it's not true. We've been to see those clever blokes in the agency, they've told us what VW advertising is like. How can you hint at 55 miles to the gallon with an explosion?
Well what have you got?
[Overlaying shots of Jeremy driving the Aston Martin V12 Vantage in the English countryside.]
Well, it's an Aston Martin Vantage with a V12 engine. What do you think it's going to be like? It is fantastic. It is wonderful, wonderful, wonderful. What it makes me feel, though, is sad. I just can't help thinking that thanks to all sorts of things...the environment, the economy, problems in the Middle East, the relentless war on speed... cars like this will soon be consigned to the history books. [drives past pictures of similar cars that have fallen out of use] I just have this horrible, dreadful feeling that what I'm driving here is an ending. [looks at the camera] Good night.
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